Wisdom Whispers

There are a lot of proverbs I have challenged during my time. There is a particular one that has been one of the hardest challenges for me to heal from. I wrote dark poetry as early has 7th grade about how I felt about the poison that ran through my veins from both family linages. How I felt nasty, dirty, and ashamed from where I came from; everything that my family members did wrong. The pain they all caused not just to me but to other people. Everything I had seen, learned, and knew. All the family skeletons in the closet. Devastated and heartbroken about everything

I learned and knew about who my family really was and what they had done. At age 13 I went to the doctor for my lady bits exam, and to be put on birth control for irregular moons. I sobbingly pleaded with the nurse practitioner in desperation for a hysterectomy. Telling her that my cousins are all girls and I have sisters, and I know in my heart that this blood line needs to be shut down and I don’t want to bring another generation into this world from this linage. I was told that I had to be 35, have life threatening issues, and have birthed 2 children before they would consider it. I was heart broken, felt unheard, even though she didn’t understand where such a request came from. I mean how many 13 year olds are asking for such things.

I do believe in the wisdom whispers (is what I like to call them) that are passed amongst people, generation from generation, culture to culture. However, I have challenged many in my time due to trauma and trust issues instilled through the trauma I have experienced.

Here is a couple of the poems I wrote from my teenage years. Then I will do a lil deep dive into them.

HELP

My hatred comes deep from the heart of soul.

Every pump, every thump.

I am reminded that evil pulses through my veins.

My constant fight is to rid myself of such evilness.

I'm surprised I’ve had such success in this task of mine.

It’s hard for me to accept the fact that in order for me to save my well being is to disown the very two people who gave me life.

Is that wrong?

Should I be more forgiving?

Should I be more understanding?

Is it the pain I feel that makes me so stubborn?

If so, is that what I am, or am I not forgiving enough?

FUCK!!

What I wouldn’t give for some fucking answers.

I want HELP, but can’t find what I seek for.

WHY?

Early 20’s

Home

A word with so much meaning, and such few people actually know what the word means.

Or how it feels to be surrounded by such a word of comfort.

What fortunate souls to have such a luxury.

It’s too bad most take it all for granted.

Why are some people so lucky, and never realize it?

It makes me wonder if I had such luck, such fortune, if I would be the same person.

With a big heart, and understanding.

Probably not, but who really knows? Not me. That’s why I write this shit down. To clear my mind of all my unanswered calls. Like a scream of help to myself.

My own hand to the other. The only one to do the saving of this soul is myself.

Hell, I’ve made it this far on my own. I’ll ride this roller coaster all alone.

Screaming out loud to the stars, and the moon hoping.

Just hoping, the sun will come out, and shine the light on me.

If not. I’ll get over it.

I am finding comfort in the dark.

Now, lil deep dive, but first I would like to explain what a lil deep dive into this really means, and what it is called. This is “Shadow work”. I don’t use the term often, but I have read about it many times. I have used over complicated techniques written by the gurus. I really do think some over detail some things, without giving much examples. It’s all brilliant work, and written by all types of people, and it’s really all about what resonates and works for YOU!

Shadow work is sitting with a memory, in whatever form. Poems, feelings, memories, smells, etc. Anything that triggers your fight or flight response, your PTSD, anxiety, etc. I like to refer to shadow work as demons. All terms for this kind of dark soul work tend to scare people, but fuck, the majority of people are scared of themselves.

This is how I explain it. If you google the meaning you will get:

“Shadow work involves working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable. Anyone can do shadow work on their own.”

This is an art that seems to have always come very natural to me. I believe that is demonstrated through the poems above, and the first paragraph. You have to be in touch with your emotions, lean into the darker parts of you, you have to feel the emotions, you have to sit with them, you have to run self analysis. This is not for the faint hearted. It’s hard, and you have to FEEL. Many struggle with this because of our outside influence from society. Prescriptions, self medicating with drugs and alcohol, video games, fuck, the list goes on. I am not judging, I have no room to. I have taken many dark paths of addiction in order to numb myself in the past so I didn’t have to face my demons (my pain). The pain being the root of all my outward emotions, and behaviors growing up. I found that with every emotion and behavior, anger as an example, the root was pain. Addiction was unhealed/unacknowledged pain.

This journey of self healing is about forgiveness of one self, acknowledgment of the pain that caused so many outward behaviors, forgiving yourself for the intentional negligence of oneself by running from the pain that resides within. If you don’t turn around and face your demons they will keep chasing you. There is no where to hide. You have to take accountability. You have to feed your demons. Like Gandhi fed his enemies. Yin yang, white wolf and black wolf they both have to be fed in order to become allies. What has manifested in the physical realm must manifest in the energetic body as well. This is enlightenment. Not saying I'm enlightened. I truly believe NO human can be completely enlightened til our souls leave our meat sacks. But that’s not the point and some arrogant fools would debate otherwise. However, this is what they mean by the wisdom whisper of “Be the change you want to see in the world” (origin of quote is debated) but you see my point. I mean I hope.

To change the outside world you must change the inside world. Someday I’ll do a deep dive into this, but I need to get back on track here.

What was my point? Ohh yes. Proverbs, the wisdom whispers that gently shake the leaves of the trees. “Blood is thicker than water.” Now, before we get into my teen brain on the thoughts and struggles of this. The full quote is actually… “The blood of a covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Same shit really. Depending on how you look at it. Just more dramatically poetic from the times. Need to remember all wisdoms are metaphors, and hints for the journey within.

Until recent years, (yes, this healing journey takes YEARS/DECADES etc. Don’t give up, it is well worth all the hardships) I fought the altered version of this quote. “Blood is thicker than water.” I refused to believe it. With all the rage, shame, embarrassment, grief and anger from the pain bestowed upon me by all which carry the sacred titles only blood can carry. Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Uncle, Aunt, Sister, Brother, Cousin, etc. I tried to rid myself of everything I was, to disown, disconnect, alter the DNA in my veins, energetically. Refusing to remember “Where I came from.” If there are studies by Masaru Emoto that prove you can change the molecular structure of water with thought then why not blood.

Well, I went about it all wrong whilst contradicting my own intentions. (Last sentence is an example of accountability.) The intentions I set for every step I took on the path to here out weighed all of that. My intention was to be healed and only come from a place of love because I knew I could never truly help guide others to healing if I did not come from a place of love and understanding. Life sure as fuck made sure to deal the cards I needed in order to make sure that my intentions aka: prayers were met.

So, the last few years. I have been honored to get to know one of my Uncles. A man who was not raised by my grandmother, nor with my mom, and other family members that were my perpetrators. He was raised by my grandfather who I didn’t get to spend much time with. Broken family scattered across USA. Not an unheard story.

This relationship was slow in the making. Like water eroding rock, slow. It took many years, of building trust. For both of us. I was afraid of men on a level many would never, and I pray never do understand. But add blood into the mix. I was more leery of blood by leaps and bounds. He had issues with woman due to his upbringing, my grandmother. This relationship ensued the turning of the tables, and the ending of my relentless drive to prove that water could in fact be thicker than blood. I learned that not being raised in the same location of the United States, separately, in different generations that there is undeniable solid proof that blood ties us together. Whether we like it or not. That we are exactly where we come from and there is nothing better than standing with like. The pride I now have for who i am and where I come from, understanding that there are traits that my ancestors passed down through their very own trials and tribulations through war, trauma, starvation, depression, migration and so much more. That hidden in these piles of coal are in fact diamonds in the rough. I was gifted the tools earned by every single last one of my family members, my linage, my ancestors, the very tools of survival. All wrapped into a DNA information bank stored, and weaved into every fiber of my muscles. The sacredness of the sacrifices, the pain, the anger, the heartache, grief, etc. that were passed down. Are we flawed? Absofuckinglutly! In the most beautiful way. Just about every one of us live in construction zone houses, constantly remodeling, to the point where this is home. Also, something I often joke with my uncle about that I have broken enough of the family chains that bind us, he should be the one to finish the house so we can all move on, because I have enough to do, but regardless, construction zone is home. Hugs, with a quick pat to let you know that’s enough closeness, tough love, and vulgar speech. Words like I love you not often said because we are very physical. Our love is expressed in our labor of love.

So, Nag is what I am called in the name of love, because I am often riding him about his health. If you show up as friends and family it’s simple, get to work, and outside members are initiated through this process to show worthiness. Our love language. All good with our hands, and all can naturally throw a punch because we have strong wrists. Tough love.

Now some don’t like this way of life, different blood lines. That's fine. I don’t expect anyone to live our way only respect as I do theirs. This is my linage. So, my point is really that when it comes down to it. Blood is thicker than water, but this is also because I have also experienced, and watched step parents that after a divorce will stay in touch as much as possible but then the connection dwindles. This does not happen with blood. You are tied, through everything, and everyone connected will continue to carry the family’s demons, burdens, etc. until you turn around and face them. Accept, love and understand that behaviors of all of them. Learn from it, and step forward with the tools that each and every one of your ancestors bestowed upon you. Turn the negatives into positives and embrace all that you are. Because YOU fucking earned it, and because they were helping you all along with every lesson unlearned or learned passed to you through the wombs, and seeds of every man and woman that is tied to your very own package of dynamite DNA.

Forgive, and reprogram. History will only repeat itself if WE continue NOT to learn from the mistakes of our ancestors. Another wisdom whisper. Lessons, and traumas will undoubtedly repeat themselves if YOU do not take the steps to correct, honor, respect the sacrifices made before you, for the forward you, and the generations after you. They say when you heal you heal all the ancestors behind you and the ones in front of you. Sit with that for a minute. You, and all of us are worth it. Embrace change. Stagnation is not change. You cannot be the ostrich in the sand. The struggles, the demons will not go away, and if you don’t deal with them you will pass them down the line, to your children and your children’s children.

PS. Be grateful for the NO’s in your life. The no from that nurse, I later became the most prideful mother, adore my children, and am so fucking proud of the men they are becoming, and the healing they have done themselves.

I highly recommend the book. I will do more of this in other relevant blogs.

“Feeding Your Demons” Author: Tsultrim Allione