The Men Will Pat You on the Ass, But the Women Will Save Your Fucking Ass!

I heard this in my early sobriety and it became a key learning for me as I transitioned from a life in the bars to learning how to live sober.

Now before all you guys get your balls in a wad, I’ll tell you that it really has nothing to do with how men act, but how I used men to feel good about myself. I discovered boys about age 12, when boys started paying attention to me. Sometimes it was just teasing like young boys do, but it was attention. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 15. I had a crush on a boy in my church for years. Everyone knew it; it never went anywhere. But, after I turned 15, I heard that a boy in my 4-H club was interested in dating me. So I started dating him. After a year +, another boy came along and liked me, so I jumped ship and started dating him and he became my first husband at 17, a month after our first son was born. This set up a pattern in my life for the next several years. When the violence got so bad that I left in fear of my life after a couple years, I was once again looking for the attention of a man to prove my worth. At that point I didn’t have any close women friends. They weren’t able to provide what I needed: attention and money to drink. I worked odd jobs (driving taxi, waitress, bartender) to try and stay alive; slept on my parent’s couch or stayed with some guy for a while, wherever I could find a place to hang my hat.

The nightlife/bar life was what I lived for. Chasing the next drink and men was my primary purpose in life. Everything else was just a means to an end. I couldn’t afford to drink the way I needed to, so I hit the bars to get a man to fund my drinking and if I liked him enough, the attention to ease the hole in my soul. Somehow, neither the men or the alcohol really worked for me after a few years. My life was a mess: blackout drinking, searching for drugs to extend the reach of the alcohol since it wasn’t doing enough to erase the pain anymore for me, my mom dropping off care packages so I didn’t starve to death, couldn’t keep a job because drinking was more important to me. More men, no love to be found.

When I started attending AA meetings, especially that first winter out in California, I was encouraged to go to the meetings early, talk with people, etc. So I did. However, I didn’t know how to talk to women or what to talk about, so I gravitated towards the men. But, while doing so, I wasn’t learning anything about how other women quit drinking, get their self-respect back and move on down a better path for living.

One Sunday afternoon I drifted down to the Alamo club looking for some company and somebody to talk to. The easiest person to approach and have a conversation with was a biker. I could talk with bikers. After some time in conversation I asked him for a ride on his motorcycle. He obliged. The only thing I really remember about the ride itself was the time spent white-lining the Los Angeles area freeways. That was an experience, let me tell you. I’m still scared, if I think about it. When he pulled up to his house, he told me that if I wasn’t so new to the AA program (in my first year), I would have been in his bed or walking. He pointed out the sticker on his bike: Ass, Gas or Grass. Nobody rides for free. So, he would feed us some lunch and give me a ride back to the Alamo club. Now some may say that the man was out of line. Myself, I am grateful to him for the powerful lesson I learned that day. I learned that I needed to make some changes in my behavior now that I was living sober. I could no longer approach men the same way I did in the bar. This kind of behavior almost always went sideways when I found myself in a situation I could not control while I was drinking and if I wasn’t going to stay sober, I had to change some things.

It was after that event that I started watching how other women were walking through their sobriety and started listening to them as they shared their life journey. I spent a lot less time chatting up the men. I eventually started hearing what the women were sharing and was able to take it and apply it to the way I was learning to live sober and build my own self-respect and quit looking for men to give me that fleeting affirmation that I was worth their attention. Now, don’t get me wrong, I never quit talking with men. I love men and in particular the one I spent the last 41 years with. I have many men friends (corporate and bikers). But I also have women in my life that continue to show me love and support, keep me accountable, show up when I need them the most, or just quick check-in to let me know they care. The self-respect that I earned through listening and doing is a far more stable and effective way to live my life now.

`