One Step Forward

So I was informed that today’s post space belongs to me.

Who am I? Easy answers first, I suppose. My name is Peter, or Pete. Either works. I’m one half of the media team here at Clearview Works. The other half (and to be honest, the one that does the most work) is my wife, Jen.

I was told to write about what comes to mind when I think about traumas, or even my own healing journey. And that stuff... well, it’s hard.

This part took me the longest to think through, and honestly, I'm not sure how well I did.  But!  Today is my turn at the blog, so let's do what we came to do and talk about some of those harder things in life.

To start with, for most of my life, I thought the things happening to me were just normal. That pain, shame, and being made to feel small were just part of the package that came with life. That I was set from the start to be the emotional, and sometimes physical, punching bag of those around me.

I was told things like I was fat, ugly, stupid. Not just a few times, but almost daily. It became so routine that I basically stopped reacting. People I thought were my friends turned out to be not.  They were just using me, then turning on me when it was convenient. School became a place where I learned to survive, not belong.

And when I tried to talk about any of it, when I went to the people who were supposed to protect me... I was met with parents that actively tried not to parent. “Suck it up.” “It’s not that bad.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” Conversations about feelings didn’t go anywhere. They just got shut down.  I learned a hard lesson as a small kid.  Parents weren't there to protect you, they were there to punish you until you got back in line.

So I did what a lot of people do.

I built a mask. A version of myself I could wear in front of others. Something that looked functional, even if it wasn’t.  A mask made with such fine detail, that around high school, everyone thought I was just fine.  Nothing to worry about anymore. Even when things were going so bad I wanted to die, I always came across as being just wonderful.  That mask became such a part of me that at some point I lost who I was under it, and the mask became Pete.  Please note, the pain, scars, way of thinking, and everything I had been through didn't magically go away.  They were just allowed to fester while I gave off the smile of being fine.

And yet somehow, through everything I went through, I still thought all of it was my fault.

That does something to you. Growing up with that since you were old enough to have memories really makes you believe things like that.

Everything I've experienced while growing up has left me with some ugly, draining, daily depression that I've had to live with for well over 35 years. Some days it wins. Some days I'm able to push back. With the help I've received from my wife and our child, from going to therapy,  entering the partial hospitalization program, and finally moving to outpatient support, I’ve started to shift my thinking. It's just a little bit at a time, but it's shifting. I am slowly learning how to not always blame myself first for the things that I do, whether they were wrong or not. It doesn't happen all the time, but it is shifting.

Yet, even though things are getting better, it's still a fight to just get up for the day. It's a struggle to shower, to interact with people, to put myself out there. Even through all that, I am still trying to push through.  Some days it requires all the support I can gather from those I love, and sometimes it's just me. I fight every day to make sure I don't fall back into my old self, and I am thankful that I don't do it alone.

Healing isn't always a nice clean path. It doesn't always follow the easy straight line. It's filled with challenges and bumps in the road, but that doesn't make it impossible.

Something I am reminded of as I write this... In both of the times I was in a partial program, I would hear others say things like, "Yeah, I'm not doing well today.  Even with all this training, it's always two steps forward, one step back." After hearing that, I would try my best to remind them that even if it is hard, and it feels like two steps forward and one back... in the end, you still made one step of progress. And no one can take that away from you.

Well that's it from me for now.  I know I lightly touched on a lot of different subjects and kind of threw a bunch of everything at everyone, but I'll be back here and there to make another post or two.  I'll try to think a bit more, and stream of consciousness less next time.  And hey, if you have any questions, leave a note in the comments.  I'm always hanging around the site and would love to hear from people.