Been there. Done that. Why am I still doing it?

When I said this to Alice we were talking about the fact that I seem to be in an abusive relationship with my cat.  My mom said the same thing earlier in the day, when I was relaying his antics to her.  He can be the wildest cat when he wants to play and I have to pay close attention so he doesn’t bite me.  He came with a biting problem, I have the scars to prove it and I’m still working on breaking that habit.  When he’s in a biting mood I make him stay on the floor and I play with him from a distance.  I have some toys on a stick that I bought, but his favorite is a bungee cord.  Now that he’s gotten quite a bit bigger he’s a much more aggressive and rather formidable when he’s in a mood.

Anyway, the reference to the abusive relationship is because he is also a lover.  He will sit in my lap, usually burrows his way into a warm place.  He gives me kisses (doesn’t bite) and settles in, purrs and eventually falls asleep.  I get to hold and pet him, which is the best part about owning a cat, besides the entertainment he provides as we learn how to live together.  A perpetual cycle of abuse followed by a “honeymoon” followed by more abuse, honeymoon, etc.  My comment back to Alice was “Been there, done that, why am I still doing it?”  We had a good laugh, because we’re dealing with a cat here, after all.

Later on as I was sitting here thinking, it occurred to me that the above statement pretty much tells you all about my healing journey.  Healing and growing as a person is an ongoing process.  I don’t know about you, but just because I learned something new and applied it 40 years ago, doesn’t mean it was a “one and done.”  Throughout life I’ve had the opportunity to keep growing through different circumstances and different individuals that have passed through my life.  Sometimes I get so caught up in whatever I’m doing (or loving) that I bypass those earlier lessons knowing I got this.  Well, not always.  It seems I always run into another opportunity to step back, remember or be reminded of earlier lessons and the fact that it may be time to apply that learning again.  Sometimes I get really down on myself for falling into some kind of emotional trap that I thought I had put behind me.  But after a little bit of that, it’s “What are you going to do about it?”  Then, the other thing I found out about living life.  I don’t have to be perfect. I just need to show up and keep working at it.  I never wanted anyone to see my flaws because, well, they might see me differently and not like me so much.  I will say I’ve come a long way with that since I retired.  I am who I am, take me or leave me.  One of the things my husband was really good at was laughing at his mistakes.  After a while with him, I was able to lighten up a bit and now I get such a kick out of laughing about my own mistakes, they often make for a good story.

Living alone without a partner is a whole different world for me.  Sunday, February 1st was 41 years since my husband and I moved in together with my two boys.  For the first time since my late 20’s I am on my own.  I am in the process of changing how I deal with my life now that I no longer have a partner working with me on our lives together.  Being physically alone in the house doesn’t bother me at all.  In fact, after the last three years, I am enjoying the freedom of responsibility and the time by myself to re-charge.  But often it hits me out of the blue that “Oh yeah, it’s just me, nobody is sharing the responsibility with me.”   It’s a bit scary, not that I can’t do it, I know I can.  But we always tended to be the voice of reason for each other, so without that voice of reason, that person that knows me so well, who knows where I’ll end up. (teehee). On the other hand, I am excited as hell to do exactly what I want for my remaining years no matter where it ends.

As I’ve been walking through these changes I keep re-learning those lessons I thought I had already nailed.  Apparently not.  Not to worry.  I’ll keep working at it.  Different times, different circumstances, different everything in my life now.  I’m sure I will learn a lot as I take myself through a different type of life’s journey.  Stay tuned, I know there’s more to come.

Love and Peace

Chick