Twists and Turns

Life comes with its share of twists and turns. Some you see coming, others catch you off guard and make you question if you are even on the right road. Walking the path of life is not an easy thing to do. Each person faces their own challenges and twists. Some stretches of the road are a straight paved path, easy to follow, moving in your day to day. Other days you hit the mountain pass, constant switch backs, doubling back and forth as it moves up the mountain you have come to. It challenges you; you are asking yourself "Did I make a wrong turn?", "isn’t there an easier route?", "why did that person make it look so easy?" Each twist brings its own challenges and lessons. Yes, some are harder, some make you sit in it for longer than you wanted. The traffic jams, the slow going, the unpaved, sometimes difficult to see path that’s laid out in front of you. All there to test your resolve, test who you are vs. who you want to become. 

I have spent a lot of time reflecting back on many things in my life as I walk my healing path, many of them coming up as I dig deeper into things, pulling more to the surface as I peel back the layers of boundaries and defenses I put in place. Many to "protect" me from myself. As a man in this world there comes a stigmatism and expectations that you need to be the strong one, no emotions, if you have a problem emotionally you deal with it on your own time and alone, bury it deep, or convince yourself it doesn’t matter and move on. For years this is how I handled my issues. Letting the logical side of me take over, convincing myself that the things that bothered me weren’t important, I needed to just brush it off and move on. I have realized this is a terrible and bullshit way of going through life. I lost a lot of who I was and wanted to be. Just laying down and letting things be as they were, not pushing back on the problems, just letting them weigh on me, convinced that it was my burden to bear and to move on. Not asking for help, not addressing the true issue or the root of it. Putting up walls around my emotions and issues as they came about ‘cause "why does it matter what I say, it’s just easier to eat it then fight it" was the stance I often took. Part of this stems from past trauma as a child. As a first child there is often added pressure on you as you are the example, good or bad. Other children in the family watch what you do, learning from your successes and mistakes. "Why can’t you be more like so and so" "so and so doesn’t have an issue with this so why do you?" Well, in me this spawned a people pleasing response. The need for acceptance from others around me. In high school I was the strange kid. Band nerd, nerd, geek, teacher’s pet, over achiever, etc. I heard it all. I didn’t really have a group of people. I would bounce around trying to fit in here and there as I could, often doing or saying things that were not me just to feel like I belonged somewhere. This was who I was, it followed me after high school into college. Yes, I had friends here and there, but I never really let anyone in to see the true me, fearing that they might again reject me as many others had before. I would adapt to the group I was in, accepting their ways, likes, speech, all of it just to feel like I belonged. 

This was one of the biggest struggles I have faced in my time of healing and growth is overcoming this need to be someone other than who I am to fit in or limit the number of confrontations I need to tackle. This brings me back to how I started the post. The winding road. As I stated some days, paved roads, clear paths, smooth sailing, there may be a turn or bend here and there but they are well marked, something you can easily handle. Then suddenly without warning, the pavement ends, and you find yourself struggling to move. Whether it is a conversation you had, an event that occurred, or just your mind and spirit saying "hey, it’s time to look at this". The push forward becomes a struggle, you get confused as you are changing the way you look and think about things, people and things you once found comforting and safe fall away revealing they no longer are. At times you just want to sit down and give up. This is the key step, to not give up. It's ok to rest, it’s ok to feel like you are losing control, but never give up. The rough patches of your path are the lessons, the challenges and demons you need to face to move forward with your healing. I can tell you it’s not easy, it’s very difficult to not just go running back to the old ways, the ways you felt were safe. The struggle is part of the journey through life, how you handle it is what determines how you move for the rest of the path. Life can be a shit show sometimes, but with perseverance, will, and sometimes some help from those around you, it clears up and you find yourself back on the paved path, moving freely and enjoying the ride.