I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

To the woman of my life: I don’t post many of my vulnerable thoughts but today I have been reflecting on all the glorious woman in my life. I cried for a lot of you and the cards life has dealt. Hoping with all the states and miles between each and every one of us that my tears relieve a bit of your pain. So you have the strength to get up another day. In this I realized that some of you have cried for me and my pain too. I know in my heart this is true and believe that this is why throughout my life I have been able to dust off, stand up and keep going. So I must thank you all. You know who you are as I know who you are. Thank you for caring, thank you for loving and thank you for being there in spirit even when body could not. I wish I could be everywhere wiping tears in person. Since this is impossible I want you to know I think of each and everyone of you all the time. I see you struggling from afar and I am in your corner! I am here cheering you on! I see you! I see you losing the love of you life, I see you lose your lover, I see you struggling with the loss of your children, I see you putting on make up to cover your black eyes, I see you medicating and numbing yourself to get through the days, I see you raising your kids alone, I see you hurting from the loss of your parents, I see you drinking your problems away, I see you self medicating, I see you keeping your head down because your innocence was taken from you, I see you self-destructing, I see you raging in the world because of being raped, I see you suffering from years of incest, I see your mistrust, I see all of your pain. I see you in your unhappy marriage. I can not possibly name all the pain I have seen but just know, It’s okay! I see you! I love you! I believe in each and every one of you!! To whoever in my life that this resonates with! This is to you! I love you! Keep going! All of you are my inspiration!

I wrote this couple years ago and I believe I posted it on my old “personal” Facebook. I stumbled across it this morning, gave it a read, and realized how it’s relevant to my current state of mind, and the current challenges I have been met with in the last couple days. With re-reading it and a conversation I had a few moments ago this morning. I realized  the reason I am able to see these types of things in the others is because at some point in my life those woman were me. I can relate. I know how it feels to feel alone, battling through life’s hell, embarrassed and ashamed.   

Reflecting on this, and adding in a long conversation that I had last night with my partner in business (the non-profit), our vice president. Plus the conversation I mentioned previously. Tying in the last blog I wrote. (I have mentioned in previous blogs that I have learned that everything is connected) I have realized a few things about myself and some of the challenges that I am still working on. Whether i knew it or not.

This mornings conversation was with a very special person to me, a work colleague, I ran through the motions of the conversation I had with our VP. She flat out told me “you are wrong” and then proceeded to tell me about sitting in group. She at the time (in group) like me, didn’t do much talking about herself, or sharing her story. Yes, I have been sharing my story, and struggles here, but not everything. She explained to me that a woman said to her “That not sharing your testimony is the most selfish thing you can do in group/circle, because it could change someone else’s life, and defeats the purpose of being in group.”

How does this tie into to what I wrote “To the Women of my life”? Well, in writing that back then, and taking my steps forward with the non-profit to help others heal on their own by leading by example, then joining forces with Chick. I remembered why I set out to do this over two decades ago, taking classes, being diligent in my own healing, giving voice to the things people don’t want to talk about no matter the topic, because so many sweep these things under the family rug. That in order to stand in my authenticity I cannot hold anything back. Even if I am still currently “healing” and don’t have everything figured out, because that is part of the process, the journey, my path. That I have manifested and created a circle that has changed my life for the better, but my responsibility as a leader and to my circle is to stand in my integrity, and authenticity. That I have to be open about my current struggles because we are a team, and in this together thing.

Togetherness, team, group, circle, etc. has been a struggle for me personally. Simply because the life I was dealt, causing hyper independence.

Yes in the moments of withholding information thinking it is my battle alone, and that there is no value in telling/expressing my troubles to the group. I now see how this can be selfish. That was never my intention nor have I have considered my self selfish in any areas of my being excluding FOOD. The block is deep rooted, and I had to sit with this.

Now, in the past couple years my life has drastically changed, the people I surround myself with, my boundaries, my self worth, my confidence, etc. It helps immensely to have the right people in your corner. I have had the most incredible, and heart wrenchingly authentic conversations. I talk amongst people that take accountability regardless of the topic, that listen to hear you instead of react. To give constructive criticism with honor and respect while gently but profoundly putting you in your place. No more struggles with facades, fake conversations, small talk, hidden agendas,  secret animosity derived from the emotions of jealously, judgments, and grievances without solutions. These experiences have shaped me in the last two years especially and how does one go back? Simply you don’t. Absolutely harder said then done especially when the ones you have loved the most through out your life no longer fit the new narrative because they personally struggle with accountability and their own self growth. You have to make those boundaries for yourself even with tears pouring down your face with your heart breaking.

Okay, okay, the conversation last night with VP. Lil’ back story. I have known this man going on 8 years, worked beside him, became my supervisor through his climbing of the ladder. He’s quite observant amongst other things, but struggles with chronic pain himself. I wont shed too much light on his story because it is his to tell, however it’s hard to bullshit a bullshitter. I have always known when he was in pain, as he did me. Did we talk about it nah. We thought/think we have out smarted everyone. Since it wasn’t necessarily talked about I thought I was somewhat in the clear. That I could continue along my marry way, doing what I do best. Burying it.  Swallowing the pain. Smile, or just tell people I am hungry to bypass the mood I can no longer keep a handle on.

I have often been mis-judged by my demeanor, my resting bitch face, my short answers, rigid posture, etc. all of my life. I allowed this because it is easier to let them assume then it is for me to explain that I am not a bitch, I am simply in pain 24/7. That i have more bad days then good, and most is self inflicted due to my constant movement, inability to relax and then add in the weight bearing load of my own cranium on my neck.

Diving into the emotional, and mental self-taught coping mechanisms of dealing with chronic pain that I have utilized my entire life were instilled from my childhood forced upon me through an abundance of trauma caused by others. I was told early on that “what happens in this house, stays in this house”. While attending school with fractured ribs, tailbone and a wardrobe tailored to covering up choke marks and other bruises. Taken out of school for 2-3 days till the bruises became light enough sometimes longer.  It would have been the upmost worst betrayal to my mother to speak of what was happening. She was sorry. In those days off from school I was taken out on shopping sprees. The lowest amount of money spent was $400 and highest being $1500. All in hopes that I would forgive her and not speak about it.

This shaped my coping mechanisms, my views on gifts, and money entirely. I learned and developed the skills to swallow pain, get back up no matter the pain, keep pushing forward, keep their secrets at all costs. Talk to no one about it, I never liked sympathy anyway I came into the world not wanting sympathy or someone feeling sorry for me. Nonetheless I learned to keep it to myself. When the load became too much to bear I confided in only a very very select few. I always and unfortunately still do to an extent question all gifts given unless they are hand made or I can tell they put much thought into them. This has made gift receiving one of my most uncomfortable experiences especially in front of the person giving. Money, I have had suitors, if you will, talk about all the money they had, what they can provide monetarily and this has never been appealing to me. It often disgusts me actually that people actually think they can buy access to one’s soul to reside in their bed. My views went all the way up the chain as far as society, corporations etc.

Why I don’t like sympathy? Well, because I am not a victim I am a fucking survivor. The lessons I have learned and continue to learn from every experience I received only help shape who I am today. To be quite frank, I enjoy who I have become today. I am happy in my own skin. I rejoice in it. The weights lifted through healing, making peace with pain, and forgiveness. I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I don’t believe in having regrets, i don’t believe anything I have experienced is a waste of time. I believe every experience offers the opportunity for growth.

To be continued….