Here I go Again on My Own…

….Going down the road I’ve ever known. Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone…throwin’ two middle fingers in the air, because today it’s a fuck the lot of you all but of course with grace, dignity, love, and joyous good riddance.

Little did any of you know that on numerous occasions of pulling up into one of our driveways from countless destinations, that Here I Go Again by White Snake comes on the radio while Chick & myself pull up to my house or hers, parking at the nail salon, sitting in a restaurant, etc. We have danced in the truck, sang out of joy, sang from pain, leaned back in the truck defeated. It’s our song, but just as much mine.

This last weekend I made a promise to myself, and it wasn’t clear til today why.

As my heart ached from all the hurt I am feeling heavy with from these recent months.

I found myself pacing back and forth with weak knees heavy from grief and despair, feeling trapped in this state of my life and my being with my stomach in knots. Knowing my body wants to drop to the ground on all fours to bellow from my core with screams of sorrow to the sky, tears uncontrollably hitting the earth. I paced for about an hour fighting the feeling of dropping.

So, I pulled the rage in, and using my fire to push it. I alchemized it, and moved that feeling out of my stomach, up my spine to my throat chakra. Sealing it with my truth fire, making a vow in the tie, that I will not, I mean, I absolutely fucking refuse with my whole being to drop to the ground and cry out of pain and despair for another fucking person I allowed to hurt me.

I will stand, hold my ground, speak my truth, my fire, and the only tears I cry from here on out will be out of joy, love, and happiness. I will speak my boundaries, and my expectations clearly, freely, unapologetically with my fire.

With that being said. I am going to talk about one of the most hurtful, and hardest challenges Chick and I have both simultaneously experienced by joining forces for OUR creation of Chick and Alice, along with building the foundation of my non-profit, but this will be with my gloves off, and this is your warning.

So, contrary to popular belief this isn’t about the guilty this is about Chick and fucking Alice. Who we are, and who the whole lot of you will not be because of your actions and hollow words/promises.

Now, what is the heart wrenching challenge both you and Chick are facing together, you ask? Well, you need the back story to understand why this was such a gut punch for myself and Chick. Due to our lives behind closed doors, both of us have mastered our abilities to maintain our discernment.  Our meeting has not been kept secret, and all of you can read about it, I'm not doing the work for anyone anymore, so if you want that back story have at it. WE both vowed to step forward in authenticity with grace and dignity, but above all in loyalty to ourselves. So, today’s back story will be what we both have gone through behind closed doors. The challenges we have faced by joining forces, and what I have seen.

Now, whoever knows us knows we have always been upfront about the fact that Chick is 68 years old, and that she will be 70 by the time we leave May 1st, 2027 for our Bike Ride. How is this relevant? Just keep reading.

The backlash both of us have received from this alone is astonishing. Like we don’t know what we are up against, like both of us don’t know the work we both will have to put in, from my side and hers. What we are facing together, both being women who do what we want, when we want, how we want. When we set our minds to it we both make it happen. WE forge the paths, we are the Trail Blazers, and when we get  knocked to the ground we always dust off, get back up and keep forging our path. Both of us always processing always rewiring for solutions, with our tenacious ability to pivot.

Me personally, I have been faced with “Chick is going to slow you down” as if I wasn’t okay with being slowed down. “Why can’t you just settle down, stay at home like normal people” as if my life revolved around them alone, and that I should be a domesticated 40 year old woman. I could keep going but these two pretty much sums it up from my side, and I can explain the others through my testimony.

From her side, my position in Chick’s life was questioned. With no doubt I respected this, and honored their pre-judgments, but today is different seeing how both Chick and myself are dealing with the same thing. Our connection has been explained in previous posts. I have sat at her table with her family listening to them judge my position in her life as a care giver and death doula. A choice Chick made of sound spirit and mind on her own whilst knowing her for over a year's time I had never seen any one of these people in her life, at her side when she struggled in pain taking care of of her spouse after back surgery, from wheelchair to walker, to cane, to expressing her fear for her son's life, to prescription drug detox, etc., until they found out I stepped in, and been walking her through it. They were not there pushing her in a wheel chair, they were not helping her to appointments, they were not helping her to physical therapy, cheering her on, pushing her when she needed it while giving her a hand up when she was defeated and heart broken from all of life’s blows. Body riddled in pain. They didn’t spend hours in a pool with her, making sure she drank water everyday, and I could keep going and going. Did I ever have hate for these people? Absolutely not. I understood their collective ignorance for who Chick really is. At the same time I was understanding the collective ignorance for who I have become from my side.

Where and when did it change for me? When did I decide enough is enough, and that i will no longer accept this behavior from people I have undoubtedly supported, told i was proud of, to chase your dreams, to follow your heart, cried tears of joy for their accomplishments, picked back up, giving motivational speeches to, and walked them off the edge with my words of encouragement and belief in them. The doubts, the sabotaging, the talking behind my back, casting spells on my team, the jealousy of the friendship Chick and I have, the hollow and false words of support followed up with inaction. Support isn’t just words, it’s action, it’s follow through, it’s stepping up and saying where can I help. Saying I fucking believe in you, and I want to be part of it even if it’s donating $1.00 because that's all I have, to pushing a share button, to reading a blog so you can see what we are creating and building together, to taking one or both of us on a bike ride, to helping us spit ideas, the possibilities for support, and helping are endless.

I am, was, devastated with how the closest people in both our lives are guilty. But nonetheless who I am today does not have room for this in my life anymore. Some of you have already lost me, some are on their way out, some will have my pardon, but I count on one hand how many.  This is not ego speaking, this is my discernment, my self respect, my self love, my boundaries, and all my fuck yous. To some of you who think you're safe, like I can’t tell who’s been talking behind my back, trying to take me down with gossip, if you think you can remain silent, sitting in the back thinking that when we get to where we are going that I will see your face at the finish line kowing WHO wasn’t there for us in between. You have another thing coming. I will walk by as if you never existed showing grace through my dismissal of your presence. This is already dressed in forgiveness, love, grace, dignity, and gratitude for the lessons learned, but it’s time for me to let go and move on. Truth is, I wanted my loves, friends, and family to come along, but I can’t keep hanging on to a rope that they shred with their negativity, gossip, and jealousy. I am letting go, because the weight is too much. My true friends and the ones who believe in me will read this with a "fuck yeah she did" understanding and knowing their place because they took it, and walked it with me. I don’t need to praise them in public because they know and carry no guilt. Some will be, "it’s about time", as they have listened to me cry as shards of my heart fell. I will no longer give my softness to the  undeserving but only to those who are.

PS. I fucking love my team! Every single fucking one of them! So much gratitude to the love, belief, support, and endless unpaid hours of work you all have put in.

PPS. Stay tuned for all the upcoming changes to the website.