What Do I Write About?

It’s my turn to write a post.  As I’m typing, I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to write about today.  So, I re-read Alice’s last post.  Although I could relate to all of it, nothing pinged me to write about.  Alice did an excellent job describing what it’s like to function with chronic pain or other serious diagnosis.  The reactions of people who don’t know what it’s like and what we face when we keep trying to live our lives instead of sitting down and crying.  Since her post laid it out so well, no need for me to further explain how I agree with her and how similar her writing is to what I have experienced.

I guess that is why we’re doing this.  It has been my experience that sharing the pain and joy of daily living is where we connect with others and oftentimes grow and heal ourselves as we repeat what we’ve learned to someone else.  We don’t live in isolation and there are a lot of people out there that are experiencing daily challenges as they live their lives.  Some small, small big, some overwhelming. Anxiety, depression, joy, and sometimes the pure pressure of making a living and supporting our families can make you wonder if it’s worth it.  Guess what?  It is worth it.  The choices of how I live my life are mine to make, but hearing other’s experiences can provide the answers we’re looking for, sometimes just the hope that things can be different.

Things don’t become different unless we put the work into it.  Nobody else is responsible for our lives, only ourselves.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I can bitch and moan with the best of them, and I do.  We all need to vent sometimes.  But, then I I need to get off my ass and do something about it.  There is nobody out there (except maybe our parents) that have a vested interest in what our life is like.  They, of course want the best for us.  But, nobody else is going to put their efforts into changing things for me better than myself.

My dad suffered from chronic, debilitating depression.  Along with that comes a lot of negative thinking, particularly about yourself.  By his own admission, it took a long time, with therapy and medication, before he realized it’s not the rest of the world, it’s him.  Our view of the world tends to reflect how we feel about ourselves and what we think others need to do to make our world different or better.  Well, it’s not their job, it’s ours.

I speak collectively at times because I truly believe I am not alone in this.  I have seen this a lot in various conversations over the years with close friends, work colleagues and sometimes complete strangers.  We all have our struggles and choices to make about what to do about them.

I was told in early sobriety that there are no wrong decisions.  If I choose not to grow now, God will provide me another opportunity to grow.  Sometimes the easier, softer way is to just let things happen and not make the tough decisions necessary to change our life.  However, it has been my experience over the years that if I choose not to change, the same situations happen over and over again until I finally get it and realize that it’s not them, it’s me.  I’m the only one accountable.

Another important thing I learned that even if I’m experiencing an intense sense of injustice, hurt or anger, I don’t necessarily have the right to retaliate or make them see the errors of their ways.  It’s not my job.  My job is my own behavior, regardless of what the universe throws at me.

A song from my childhood says it perfectly:  I never promised you a Rose Garden.  The reality of our world is that there is no nirvana.  If we expect it to be so, we are constantly disappointed and angry.  Life is life.  I believe my purpose is to live each day to its fullest.  Yes, I crave the peace and love of the world, but mostly in myself. When I’m focused on the best I can be, I can be there for others.

An interesting learning experience I had back in the mid-nineties.  I loved my job and was the expert in my field in my company.  I got a new manager.  When he became the manager of my area, he instantly became “the expert” and constantly challenged me as if I knew nothing.  A lot of other stuff, no need to go into it now.  Suffice it to say that I was no longer loving my job.  But, instead of just accepting that as my fate, I decided to apply for a job in the industry, located in Ohio.  It was a dream job for me in my field.  I was offered the job, then had to make a decision about whether I was going to move.  My husband had been very supportive of me seeking a new job, but when it came time to move for a job, he said he couldn’t leave Minnesota as his mother was aging and he was the only son around.  I respected that, but then had to decide whether I was going to take my dream job anyway.  We had been married about 5 years at the time.  I wanted that job so bad I could taste it.  He asked me to at least talk to the Director at my job before I made a decision.  I debated whether I would really do that or not.  Friday afternoon I was in the smoking room sitting at a table with the Director, who also smoked and there was nobody else in the room.  I knew that I couldn’t look my husband in the eye and tell him “I didn’t get a chance to talk to him.”  So, I told him I was considering a job offer.  He asked me to wait until Monday to make a decision.  All weekend, I was still leaning towards taking the job even though it meant my husband would not be coming with me.  Monday morning, the Director made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, and I decided to stay in my marriage and not take my dream job, although I was deeply disappointed. The interesting thing that happened about six months later was that my boss left the company.  So my reason for quitting went away and I ended up being offered the job of Manager of my department.  And the job he took?  It was at the same company I would have been working in the same department.  Whew!  Dodged that bullet!  I went on to have a great career before I retired and many years of being happily married.  I got the best of both worlds.

Life gets complicated sometimes and there are tough decisions that have to be made from time to time.  This time my initial intent didn’t work out the way I planned, but carefully considering the options, I took the next step to rectify my situation.  I didn’t just sit around and bemoan the fact that my boss was a jerk.  I took action.  It didn’t quite work out the way I had planned initially, but in spite of myself, it worked out.  I did a lot of soul searching during that decision process to help me determine what was important to me and to others impacted by my decision.  Again, we don’t live in isolation, what we do affects others and it is my responsibility to consider the consequences before just doing what I feel like.

So there it is.  This is what I wrote about today, even though I had nothing to say.  I started writing and there it is.  Again, taking a positive step towards completing my goals instead of just doing what I want and figure it out later.  Now I’ll actually make my deadline for writing my post and everyone will be happy, especially me…because I did it!

Love and Peace

Chick