PTSD

I’ve learned a lot about PTSD over the years. I’ve also recognized from time to time how current emotional reactions are more intense when the situation triggers the same response, such as insecurity, shame, anger, etc. I’ve learned to identify this sometimes when it happens and have been able to moderate my reaction when I identify that the intensity of my feelings is all the old shit and not necessarily true to the extent I’m feeling given the current situation with someone else other than whoever caused those feeling before. This is important for me as it allows me to address my current feelings in context rather than with all the emotions attached to previous experiences. Not always, but sometimes it actually works for me to calmly react to the discussion whether it is business or personal.

Well, in the last 42 years since I exited my second controlling and physically violent marriage, I learned a lot about myself, starting with learning to make it my choice as to what I will participate in. As I started dating again, I practiced becoming aware of the way I was being treated and staying true to myself as I started new relationships. Well it must have worked for me, because I met, became friends with, then fell in love with a man who treated me with respect and made no effort to control who I was or what I chose to do. Not saying he was the perfect man, I’m telling you they don’t really exist. We all have our issues. But it turned out he was the perfect man for me.

35 years being happily married and he would walk away for awhile instead of engaging for an extended time in a “discussion” where things can be said in the heat of the moment that you can’t take back. This used to drive me nuts because I didn’t like it when he didn’t want to be with me or talk to me. I’m a woman who doesn’t give up when I think I’m right and I hated not being able to continue to convince him of my point. Eventually he would come back to talk and we always worked it out one way or another when the emotions weren’t running so high. Now, looking back I am very grateful for the way he was. He claims he’s a lover, not a fighter and that has certainly proved true over all these years.

After his intense radiation and chemo treatments two and a half half years ago, it turns out that the treatments accelerated his Alzheimer’s, which hadn’t become obvious before. Although in retrospect, I can see it had started sometime after he turned 70. Anyway, as it has progressed and it has become more difficult for him to process reality and his emotions, he has also started to lose some of his filters and he has more difficulty handling anger and has become more aggressive over time if he gets agitated. This is pretty common with Alzheimer’s. There have been a few incidents over the last year, but since he is not as strong as he used to be, I can easily physically keep him from hurting me or himself and talk him back down. That changed this weekend. He was so agitated that even when I got physical control of him, he kept fighting me and before I could start trying to calm him down and because he’s gotten even weaker over time he stumbled and fell over right out my arms. Fortunately neither one of us was seriously hurt. Bumps, bruises for him, a bit more pain for me in my foot, hip and back.

This was a defining moment. I’ve been mulling over how long I was going to be able to keep him home with me. It became quite apparent now that it’s no longer safe for him to be at home. Although he wasn’t hitting at me, he was still attempting to get physical control of me so he could keep me in place and force me to listen to him yelling in my face and make his point. That kind of violence still never ends well for anyone and is not anything I’m willing to live with, even though I know in my heart that it isn’t who he is, the dementia enables that kind of situation. I would not stay for a minute with a “normal” person who exhibited that kind of behavior, but I also won’t continue in a situation where it could happen again. I quit living with that over 40 years ago and won’t go there again, even with the love of my life. We were fortunate that it didn’t end up with far worse injuries. It’s time to start the process of getting him moved to memory care. I love the man from the depths of my heart and soul and it just breaks my heart that this is the way he’s leaving his world and for the end of our partnership after 40 great years together.

Although I wasn’t afraid of him because I knew I could get control of his actions, I wasn’t quite prepared for the residual emotions after being involved in such a physically threatening situation. I was so confused about the intensity of the emotions that seemed to be tearing at my soul. Thank the universe for a friend like Alice who recognized what I was experiencing and gently coerced me into talking about it. When we got to the point of me explaining exactly how I was feeling and how high my anxiety was, I realized that my anxiety was less about moving him, which was definitely part of it, but it was actually PTSD. I’ve never really experienced any kind of physical violence in over 40 years and this moment triggered all the old feelings of being a victim and being subjected to someone else’s anger and attempts to have physical control over me. I really get what PTSD is now. But, the cool thing is that once I recognized it and voiced it to Alice, the intensity of my anxiety subsided to a degree of being better able to process the emotions and then make the choices I needed to make and be at a better level of peace with where I was at in my current situation. It isn't to say, the feelings have gone away, but the anxiety has lessened and I feel much better about being able to deal with what’s going on in my life right now.

More experiences and another opportunity to grow. That’s what life has been for me and even the experiences I didn't want in the first place and hope to never experience again all are a part of who I am today, and I kind of like who I’ve become so far.