Peanut Butter and Jelly

That’s what I had for dinner when finally, at 8:00 tonight, I gave in to my stomach and fixed myself something to eat.  When all else fails, it’s peanut butter and jelly.  As I was eating I started getting ready to write this blog.  I opened up my folder to start a new one, saw my post from last week and decided to read again what I had wrote.  Maybe kind of a refresh on where I was.  By the time I finished reading I thought “Man, that was some heavy stuff going on with me…who was that person?”

That person was me.  I had lost touch with that spirit inside me that guides me.  It seems I had some healing to do in order to get connected to my soul again.  This is not the first time (far from it), nor will it certainly be the last time I’ve “crashed and burned” due to the overwhelming stress of whatever is happening in my life and/or my head.  I once again started to actively search for my truth and my voice.

And, now I’m thinking that all those “act as if’s” may have actually worked out for me.  I had to sit with the grief and self-worth questions for awhile, but when I started doing what I needed to do for myself (and actually caring enough about myself more than I had been allowing myself to do so before), my head kind of followed and a lot more positive thoughts started darting though my head. Some of them even paused long enough for me to pick them up, deposit them in their proper place and start using them.

I was finally able to reconnect with my soul and find my way out of the quagmire I bad been in.  “The light at the end of the tunnel.”  Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t found all the answers to my questions, and I am not anywhere near that “state of grace” people talk about, but I’m not stuck anymore.  I’m walking forward one step at a time.  (Mostly baby steps, but what the hell…they’re mostly headed in the right direction.)

A couple tidbits from this last week:

Part of my healing was an appointment for Reiki.  I’ve done this a few times lately and it certainly has proven to be very beneficial for me on my healing journey.  I’ll have to talk more about that another time.

I spent time with a few close friends, had fun doing things and had a few deep conversations along with some tears and laughs.  The connections I have with these women are my lifeblood.

I had to apologize to the woman who woke me up Friday morning.  I figured it was a “sell job” call, but picked it up when the same number called me back right away after I didn’t answer the first time.  I was a bit rude until I figured out that it was a legitimate call and I needed to deal with it.  Turns out she was calling to tell me that the beneficiary form I had filled out for my husband’s Thrift Savings Plan could not be processed due to the fact I had put a date in a field that I shouldn’t have.  Say what?  Are you fucking kidding me?  It’s a good thing I had already apologized and was trying really hard to be pleasant and respectful, so she didn’t hear what I was thinking.  A new form was being mailed for me to fill out and re-submit.  She explained that I had put a date in the section on the spouse’s information that was intended for reporting the spouse’s death.  I thought I was just filling in the date that I had completed the form…should have read the small print, I guess. Since I’m still alive, that field needs to be blank.  They can’t just cross it out.  Go figure of course, it’s a government form.  We’ll just leave the rest of That Conversation in my head.

Today, I tried out a new morning routine I came up with. Often, I just head through the Caribou drive-through in my jammies and bathrobe and spend some time hanging out at home or in the truck smoking and playing my game while I finish my drink, before I shower and dress for the day. I need to get back into walking on a regular basis, but the weather has cooled down and I don’t like the cold. So I devised myself a plan to actually get showered and dressed first before heading to Caribou. Then I could drive to the local YMCA and walk indoors. I tried it out this morning. It went fairly well until I got to the YMCA parking lot. Then I had to have a discussion with myself. What I really wanted to do was sit in the truck listening to my music and play my game, not go in and walk around by myself. I finally convinced myself to go in and walk for 30 minutes. I could feel really good about actually following through, then I could hang out in my truck, listen to my music, smoke and play my game. OK. I was convinced. I’m here to tell you though that those 30 minutes were at least two hours long. Talk about boredom. 30 minutes, just walking with nothing but my mind to keep me occupied. Not really entertaining, and by the end my hips were feeling the effects. But, I gotta say, I felt pretty damn good about myself when I walked back out to my truck. So, there’s that.

Ever since I changed the “Way I Play The Game” I have been jotting down my observations on the strategies used in the specific game that I play in preparation for a rather lengthy dissertation on the parallels of those strategies to the strategies used in our society to direct certain behaviors.  One of these days I will put them all together and explain my theories on the parallels to life in general.  For now, I’m just going to share the one I observed earlier tonight.  I don’t have a lot of context to share yet, so I’ll just put it out there and let you think about what that parallel is to our lives in today’s world.

“The game will sometimes contain the opportunity for some pretty awesome, flashy moves that look like they could win the game for you.  You make the move, nothing happens.  You make absolutely no progress towards the goal and end up losing the game anyway.”

Let’s see if you get to the same place I did.  Drop your thoughts off in the comments and I’ll follow up with my thoughts.

Love and Peace,

Chick