I’m baaack…

It’s been awhile since I posted.  The longest break I’ve had since we started this whole thing.  Many thanks to Alice and Kevin for stepping in and giving me the time and energy to get through the garage sale.

Since I haven’t posted in a while, a person would think I would have a whole lot to say.  Turns out, I do.  Fortunately for you though, most of it will have to wait.  I’m still sorting out a lot of it as the last 10 days or so have been pretty intense physically, mentally and emotionally.  Garage sales are a lot of work, my right hand was in a brace to rest (yeah, right), wearing myself out with days of preparation, then being friendly and social for nine hours a day, three days in a row.  By the time Saturday night rolled around I was finished in every way.  My tank was empty.  Oh, and did I mention?  I’m not as young as I used to be (duh)!  I already burned my candle at both ends for so many years, there’s not much candle left.

As garage sales go, I think this one was pretty successful.  I got rid of a lot of things and made some money to be donated to Clearview Works for our expenses on the road.  I have a small pile of things still to donate along with things boxed up for storage that I won’t need now, but will want (maybe) when I get back from the 50-state ride.

Everyone knows getting ready for the garage sale is the hardest work.  Deciding what is going on the sale, then pricing and organizing the sale requires a lot of time, and decision making.  This time was the same.  This time, though, was a whole new ball game. This time, not only was I deciding what I didn’t need anymore in my home, this time I was actually closing a chapter of my life.

Emotionally, this hit really hard.  Tears streaming down my face as I brought out my husband’s favorite holiday decorations (Halloween).  Again, as I re-discovered his duck collection during the sale and put them out.  Many times I sat in the garage between customers, reviewed what was setup for sale, rearranging, etc. overcome with the realization that I was selling off my old life even as I was moving forward with my next adventure.  Talk about a roller coaster…grief and excitement within moments of each other from the realization that the last 42 years of my life is going out the door, followed by my excitement building as I told people why I was selling everything and moving on.  I shed tears and shared laughter with not only my friends who were helping me (thank you, all), but with random strangers as well as we connected during casual conversation.

When it was all said and done, the realization that I was really alone now went even deeper into my soul.   I still have wonderful friends and an amazing support circle, I have my connection with Alice, and my belief and excitement in why and what we’re going to do be doing on the road.  When it comes down to it, the only partner I have is myself to rely on.

I’m here now telling you (three days later), that is one hell of a scary thought I’ve been sitting with for some time, now.  I’m not real sure of this new partner of mine is up to the task.  Yeah, I’ve done a lot of growing and healing over the years, in some ways feel stronger than I ever was, I really like (love) who I am these days, but after all it’s still me.  Am I really up for it?  I’m still not sure yet that I really have the answer I’m looking for and I’m not even real sure I’ll actually find it.  Fortunately, for me, I eventually quit paying attention to those thoughts and just go for it.  That actually reminds me of something that happened once again, on the way back from our road trip (stress test) to Connecticut.  It was time to put Tripp on the trailer.  Alice was a bit concerned about how that would happen.  I told her that I’ve done this many times and I will just drive it up the ramp into the trailer.  I got the bike in position to be able to drive straight up the trailer.  Then, I just sat there on the bike.  Alice is standing to the side, Kevin is somewhere up near the trailer, both watching me.  So there I sit…”Oh, fuck, now I gotta do this.”  I sat there, scared out of my mind, so many scenarios going through my head of how this was going to turn out (I know, “crash and burn” was right there, front and center).  Then…”what the fuck” and twisted the throttle.  It went perfectly, just as if I knew what I was doing.

So, today I’ve been acting “as if.”

As if, I know what the fuck I’m doing,

as if, I can do this life, and

as if, I am who I am.

And, odds are, it may not be pretty, but I’m just going to keep doing my life the best I can.  My soul depends on it.

Love and Peace,

Chick