REALLY?

What’s with all the questions and doubt?  It seems everyone has an opinion and judgments are flying in from all corners.  Quite frankly, I am getting really tired of it.

Ok, this is going to be a rant…hopefully I get to something constructive by the end of this post.

I am emerging from my own personal hell of the last four years and it seems that others have taken on a vested interest in how I’m supposed to do that.

Yes, I’m struggling to regain myself in almost every way.

Yes, I have issues.

Yes, I know that, at this point, I am unproven.

Yes, I know I have a lot of work to do to recover from what my mind and body has been through the past few years.

Yes, I know I’m having trouble eating and need to gain weight and build strength and stamina.

Yes, I know that in my current state, it seems like I’m not capable.

Yes, I know people care about me.

Yes, I know people care about how I am affecting the mission of Clearview Works especially  since I am on the front lines as one half of Chick & Alice.

But, WHAT THE FUCK!

They see the outside, but they don’t have a fucking clue about the inside.  What’s on the inside is a woman who knows what she wants to do, where she needs to be to do it and a woman who is working very hard at figuring out how to get there.  And, quite frankly, their judgments are getting to me.  It feels like an attack on who I am and I’m pretty sick and tired of it.  So, I guess that is what this post is all about.  I’m not going to listen anymore, I’m just doing what I need to do.

I guess only time will tell.  And, for me, this is not about what others perceive it to be, “It’s My Life, I’m Doing It My Way!” That’s the only way I know.  Now, I’m not against constructive advice to help me, but I’m done with the judgments.  Keep them to yourself.  I have enough problems dealing with my own self-worth and my ability to achieve what I want to. I don’t need anybody else’s negativity.

I joined up with Alice because I believe in what she’s trying to achieve and the fact that as a volunteer, I have become front and center to the success of Chick & Alice weights heavily.  Believe me, I understand the responsibility I’ve undertaken and what is at stake.

In my mind I’ve gone from “Fuck this…I’m just going to go ahead and sell off everything, hit the road by myself and leave these fucking fools behind, I don’t need it.  I’m done with everyone’s expectations” to “This is my final life’s journey and it means everything to me to be a part of building the foundation for Clearview Works.”  I’m working for the future and I’m not willing to back out of that mission, it’s too important, I’ve made the commitment and my soul won’t accept anything less.

So there you have it.  I’m just going to do the best I can and I do believe I can do it.  Everyone else can just sit back and watch.  If I make it, I do. If I don’t make it, I don’t, but it won’t be from a lack of trying.

Still moving forward…

Love and Peace,

Chick