The Fall

I know nothing comes easy when it comes to growth. There are always growing pains. Like the accelerated rate of growth going through puberty. There is no getting out of the changes and the pain that comes with the changes. Just strap up your boot straps and keep going.

The patterns of life are demonstrated every where. The constant reminders of “there is no other way but through.” (*Roles eyes about the fortune cookie wisdom whispers) You know you have already exhausted all other paths of avoidance. Drugs, alcohol, sex, destructive behaviors. You are fully aware of the consequences of taking that path. The majority always lose themselves there.

Sometimes there are moments in healing and growth where I just flat out get to the point of *gag me with a spoon I would rather barf than listen to another Confucius statement wrapped in a delightfully annoying origami-ed tasty lil shell. Spare me all the mumbo jumbo hippie peace and love shit. I just want to watch shit burn, play hit a mole with a bat, or just lay here and starve to death where I lay. Do I know in the moment it’s destructive behavior and thinking? Oh fuck yeah. Will I lean into the dark and give in and beg for the take over so I can just quit, oh sure.

Depression? yeah a heavy sploosh of it. Cherry on top is fighting all help given because just let me die, fuck. Stop trying to pull me out of hell, hanging with the devil sounds good. Oh stop, metaphors people metaphors. Not worshipping the devil just flirting, and dancing with him a lil bit. With a dash of two bats of the eyes and a lil shake of this ass.

So, I guess my lil drama seekers how did this stream of consciousness come about. Yeah, I know don’t insult the readers, *shrugs if the shoe fits, wear it baby. I ain’t judging. Again accountability = authenticity.

Well, few days ago. I was walking in the rain, ☔️ stepped up on an elevated handicap curb and fucking biffed it, so fucking hard. Face first. Yeah yeah, ha ha. Don’t worry I laughed about it too. Grateful my hand was where it was because my nose hit it directly in the middle of the back of my hand.

Let’s back up a lil bit. I have touched base on a bit of my trauma in past blogs. Result of the trauma are diagnoses that I despise. A body and mind riddled from the actions of others, one of the hardest pills to swallow. A few years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Complex PTSD, Lymphedema, Severe Reverse Curve from multiple cases of whip lash (never been in a car accident) Dash of liver Cancer, then couple years later Melanoma. I guess we can add my pelvic floor to the list no matter how embarrassing, it’s still relevant to the life I lived, and the consequences of the abuse i endured from the moment my first breath was taken as a baby girl in this world.

I am not here for fucking attention, or the ohhh I am sorry. Fuck that shit. No one can take away the pain that came in my lot of life. I am here to paint a picture for the ignorant fucks out there that judge a book by its cover, that believe they have someone figured out by peoples outer shells. To help others understand if you don’t get out, and for others that I understand the dark they live in and that there is a way out. This path of authenticity, accountability and being able to speak about everything behind me came at a price.

I have lost more people along the way than I could even count anymore. People not understanding the drive, the pull, the strength and courage it takes to keep getting back up, the resilience. The common misconception that we don’t need help, when we were forced to help ourselves because there was no other choice. The misconception about a person because they come off hard shelled, not realizing that that person lives in a 24/7 state of hyper-vigilance and hyper-independence, and how exhausting it is. Not to mention the physical aspect of chronic pain. That after years of trauma your brain becomes rewired, using more energy then the normal brain because it's running at all times. Always on alert, always watching, listening, smelling, everything. How your senses are heightened to sniff out danger.

Yes, literally stronger senses. Oh but that's like a super power. Oh you dumb fucks. No, it’s not. It drives a person mad, and then the constant keeping yourself in check. The self talk sitting in a circle of people you THINK you can trust, but then a trigger then your trying to calm you nervous system. It’s a daily fight. I have on one hand come to understand and be envious of some that have taken their own lives. Death sounding like relief of it all. No I am not promoting, and no this is not what I want. I am simply speaking on what WE fucking live through on a day to day basis. The invisible wars, and battles of the inner demons. And yes there are so many that don’t want to hear this. Rather skip to a happier story so they don’t have to face themselves, or feel anything besides peace.

As if that's the world we live in. The ostriches in the sand, the avoidance, the denials of all that we are and what our presence means when we walk into a room. Yes, the presence that takes up space in a room of the hard warriors out there fighting a war that all must hide from. The bows of the head from the guilty, yeah the ones that have done wrong, the same wrongs you have suffered from, their heads bow, they don’t look you into the eye. They should fucking bow. That’s what I am striving for, to build the survivors so hard that the crowds of guilty bow their fucking heads. No this not a power trip. This is recognition of others and self. Just who are you the untouchable warrior or the guilty. It’s about the places we choose to take. Who do you want to be?

Alright off topic, or am I, Nah it’s all connected all tied together. I have defiantly learned to utilize my neurodivergent brain and abilities. I cannot change the way my brain has been re-wired by others. Only embrace it, and utilize it. Yes this shit is real. Read a fucking book. Get out of the clouds, cause and effect people. Simple shit they taught in grade school. Connect the dots, simple kids game with crayons. Fucking wake up and step up or get the hell out of the way with all the shit you don’t know but think you do.

So, less than a week ago, I fell on slick surface into concrete. Simple, easy just get back up, walk it off, go about your day. For common folk sure. However. This became a game of dominos. Chain of events, and the cause and effect. It went like this:

Good mood, good morning, *fall, landing just like I did when I was pushed by an ex almost 2 decades ago, body reacts, because BODY KEEPS THE SCORE, (The Body Keeps the Score By: Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.) surge of chemicals released in brain, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome activated, Fibromyalgia activated, Dreams and Nightmares activated. Negative loop being played over and over like the ultimate torture. Your own body backing it with the chronic pain. Making death seem blissful.

Fuck I want to explain every bit of this but then again I am tired of doing the work for everyone. Look it up, easy videos about it on TikTok, YouTube, etc.…that back what I am describing. But I am in the deep dive into what WE and yes we, so many of us walk amongst all of you ignorant assholes. Stop being offended by being called out on what you are, for the times you mis-judged, called someone flaky for not showing up for being severely over-stimulated by being in a social situation, or got mad by someone setting boundaries, just take your title and change it. Or again get out of the way, step aside, and bow your heads as the guilty. The guilty that watched and did nothing to understand, to help, to put your shit misconceptions aside. Move the fuck out the way. We walk a path you could never understand unless you lived it, and now we are rising and speaking because we DO NOT WANT anyone else to learn the way we had to. TO have to wear our battles, demons, scars, like badges of fucking honor, because we were not given a choice.

What I learned from last incident: I still got work to go, but in reality as long as this heart of mine beats, learning will always be part of the game. It’s never over. I still have to sit in the trauma, I still have to re-live it, and I still have to respect and honor those from my past for the lessons they taught me. I still have to love and understand them. Not for anyone else, not for god, for ME. When I heal I heal others, the other side of the domino game, I cannot give up, because that's what I was fucking built for. That no matter how tired, in pain, and wanting to end this life as I know it. I cannot give up, because I cannot live with giving up. I refuse to take the easy road. I am going to keep Frodo Baggins this shit, with my Samwise, and the rest of my team. Because at this point their belief; all of them, every single last one of them, my Non-Profit team, my Krav Maga instructor Bill Israelson, and the circles and tables I have been invited to sit at, it’s what gets me up now, to keep pushing, to keep going.

The facts are I have been stripped of everything that I am, and my faith, and their belief in me is the only thing keeping me going. Even if it didn’t come from the places I wanted it to in the past from the people I loved and am tied to by blood. It’s coming from people who see me, know me and my drive. Even with months of absence. They still have the right things to say, and know the pain I walk with, and still do what they can to lift, train me, assist me for the road ahead. I wonder how dangerous this road is for my mental state. That I am down to bare bones, stripped of all I ever cared for, being built and pulled out of the dark by nothing more than blind faith, but on the other hand I have never felt so free in my life. To the ones who know exactly who you are, that Nod while holding eye contact in recognition of Namaste. Thank you! I got you too! Remember to pay attention to how they bow. In honor of the path you walk, whilst you honor theirs or the bows of guilty, their heads bow weighted down. Pay attention and weed them out. Much love and gratitude. *brushing off and stands up again. Again thank you.

Editor's note: If you or someone you know is having a hard time, please know that you are not alone, that there are people out there who want to help. Please call the 988 Lifeline by dialing 988 on any phone, or go to: 988lifeline.org .