Looking Back

With this chapter of the journey coming to an end, there has been a lot of reflecting. Looking back at where things have come, not only with Clearview Works or Chick and Alice, but in personal lives as well. I often see posts online about the current you sitting down with the past you and each not believing the other. In a lot of ways, this is true. 10 years ago I would have never imagined I would be on the path that I am or be where I am.

The past few years have been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Learning, failing, getting back up, and continuing to figure out how to put one foot infront of the other. The challenges I have faced have been difficult to swallow at times, but I also have been learning that with every challenge comes a lesson. Some lessons I didn’t want to learn, but needed to. The deep dives I’ve made have shown me things from my past that have had major impacts on my life in ways that I didn’t even realize. With every event in life, you get a lesson. Sometimes those lessons don’t reveal themselves until later on when you need them.

The desire to help others has always been there for most of my life. Helping people made me happy. Made me feel needed. Made me feel like I was accepted. The desire to help is never a bad thing, but in my case, I was helpful to a fault. I would often go out of my way to help people. Doing things for them, wanting to always be able to get done what they needed done. This was a slippery slope in my case. As I have stated in previous blogs, it lead me down a path of thinking that if I go out of my way to help that it would, in a way, fill a hole in me. There would be some level of acceptance as I never really felt like I belonged with specific groups of people. White Knight syndrome, as some call it, was taking hold. Often times riding in on my horse to save the day in hopes that it would lead to something more than just being a helping hand. The lesson hit me hard a few years back when I started really digging deep into myself. I was not helping so much as enabling many behaviors that in the end would hurt me. This I feel was part of the lesson. Not giving and sacrificing myself for those that are not willing to do the same for me. Has this changed the fact that I like helping people, no. What it’s done is changed the way I look at helping. If someone comes to me asking for help, I don’t just jump up and do what’s needed. Often times now I will sit for a minute and decide if they are asking for help or wanting someone to do the work for them. Then I approach it differently. I don’t just do it. I will help teach them how to find the solution themselves. You can’t truly help someone, especially in healing, if they don’t want it and aren’t willing to do the work.

This is just one example of the long journey I have begun in healing. I have many more things to learn and tackle, but this was one of the most signficant ones. Learning to not sacrifice my true self for the benefit of others. To not remove their ability to learn a lesson by doing for themselves. Spending time to focus on myself and "recharge" as I move through. I have separated myself, in many ways, from a number of different people as I have moved forward. As I have been understanding this lesson more and more.

It very much plays into the road ahead as we continue to ramp up and plan for the future of both Clearview works and Chick and Alice. The desire to help is and always will be there, but making sure to help myself as well as I continue to grow and get things ready to start helping those out there that are ready to walk on their own path. Never sacrifice who you are just because someone else wants you to for their comfort. Remember that they too have lessons to learn and sometimes by giving more of yourself to keep them comfortable keeps them from learning what they need to.

Keep moving forward, even if you have to crawl.

Kevin