Have You Ever Fought Your Right Arm?

I did.  It was a really interesting experience, so I gotta tell you all about it.

I’ve mentioned many times the time I spend playing my game on my tablet and how therapeutic it is for me.  Using my best strategy to beat them at their own game gives me a great deal of satisfaction and keeps my mind busy enough that I’m actually able to process thoughts and emotions from my day.  My mind and my hands need to be busy.  I can’t just sit and be.  My mind runs wild if it’s not otherwise occupied.

I use my right hand and thumb almost exclusively on my phone or my tablet no matter what I’m doing…unlocking, making a phone call, social media, playing my game, etc.  Lately, between all the riding I’ve been doing and with the way I use my right hand playing, my right hand and thumb are really starting to feel the pain.  That’s my throttle hand, and that’s a problem.  I have made attempts over the last few months to change how I operate my hands.  Not an easy task.  Even if I start using my other hand or fingers, my right hand tries to get back into operation and pretty soon I’m using my right thumb again.

A few nights ago, it was hurting bad enough that I really couldn’t use it.  I told myself it was time to give it a rest and learn to operate with my other fingers and hand.  Easier said than done.  I started using my left hand, but it would ‘t take long before my right thumb was asserting itself and hurting like hell.  OK.  Fine.  I lit a cigarette and kept it my right hand, so it couldn't get involved and starting using my left hand.  That worked fairly well, my thumb only snuck in once or twice (with cigarette in hand).  Done with the cigarette and my thumb was right back in action.  So I decided to occupy it by resting my right arm on the table and holding onto my water bottle.

That’s when the fight started.  I physically felt my hand trying to let go of the bottle and get back into operation.  Every muscle in my right arm was screaming to move.   It was a physical battle going on in my entire forearm.  I was amazed at the muscle memory…it was so ingrained in how I had been operating and it wasn’t going to stop.  As I concentrated on my game, all of a sudden my right hand was back in action without me making a conscious decision to release the bottle and use it.  Then the pain made me very aware of what I was doing.  OK, hand.  Back on the water bottle.  I could literally feel it fighting me every inch of the way.  It was a constant battle the rest of the evening.

I’ve understood the concept of muscle memory and during my time of recovering from my back and hip surgeries, it was a struggle to learn how to walk correctly.  It took a lot of concentration and consistency to reteach my leg and foot muscles how to walk again.  But, they didn’t fight me like my right arm was fighting me.  They just passively/aggressively didn’t do what I told them to do.  All of this got me to thinking…the muscle memory was so profound that it was very difficult to change what I did with my right arm and hand from minute to minute and it reminded me of other periods of healing and growth in my life whether it was physical, emotional, spiritual or my mindset.  Whether I fight it or ignore it, there it is.  Nothing is going to change until I address it

As I reflected on that (while still involved in the fight with my right arm), I realized the similarities to making any change in my life.

It only comes about when the pain is bad enough that I’m sick and tired of it and ready to change.  

Even then it usually takes a few times of more pain before I cry uncle and really get going on the change.  I don’t let go easily, especially if it worked so well before getting so painful.

Deciding to make a change doesn’t make it happen.

There is some hard work to be done in order to make the change happen.

Even when I’m doing the work, my mind and or my body will resist the work.  It kind of likes the easy path we were on and doesn’t really want to change anything if it’s going to require too much work from them.

I didn’t really realize until this moment how much resistance memories (physical or emotional) put up in order not to change.

That’s where the fight comes in.  Change doesn’t come about just because I want it to.  I gotta fight for it.

No wonder change doesn’t come easy.  It takes a lot of time and work to retrain my brain and body.

In the end, it is worth the fight when the change occurs and I gain one more step in positive growth in my life.  The pain is conquered and I can move on.

Since that evening I have been continuing to work on that right arm.  The next day went a bit better, the fight didn’t feel quite so brutal.  But, it continues.  I still have to make conscious choices about what hand to use.  My right hand still wants back in on the action, even when I’m using my left hand.  I see a really good move to make and all of a sudden I realize that my right hand is poised right there ready to move, saying “Let me, Let me, Let me make that great move.  That’s my job.”  I gotta actually tell it to get out of the way, it’s not your time to make a move, even though you want to.  That is the literal conversation I have with my hand.

Change isn’t easy but eventual success is very rewarding.  One caveat…Even when change actually occurs, it’s not over.  It can be really easy to slip back into the memory and sit there again.  It’s an ongoing process which I do sometimes better than others.  Not to worry, as long as I’m still headed in the right direction, I can always pick it up again and grow some more.

Keep growing,

Love and Peace,

Chick