It Didn't Start With You

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I listened to the audiobook version and did not do any of the activities. I didn't approach this book looking for healing. I thought it might be an interesting addition to my mental toolkit. That being said, I didn't like this book. But, I see it's value and appreciate it's place in the canon of self-help books.

This post is built around the notes I took while listening to it. Yes, I took notes, like a total nerd, which I am, but figured I should once I realized I wanted to use this for the blog. My thoughts developed throughout the book, which you'll see below. By the end, I still didn't like the book, but I did begrudgingly see the way it would help people. To distinguish currently reading the book Jen from future Jen who finished the book 2 books ago I will put future Jen's thoughts in [ ].

Thoughts:

I don’t like the narrator/author. Tone is a little patronizing. 

[Wolynn took the idea of inherited family trauma and used it to develop his method of healing.]  

He is taking the premise that since people who suffered significant trauma have DNA that has been changed by that trauma and those changed genes get inherited by their children, it can be extrapolated to immediate traumas; parent vs child, etc. 

[This is a real thing. The descendants of Holocaust survivors have DNA that was changed because of their parent's survival. Such significant trauma literally leaves a mark on the core of our being. Wolynn took that and wondered if smaller, more personal traumas also imprint themselves on you.]

Very Freud. [Oh my god, this is so Freudian. I really don't like Freud.] He went to his parents and communicated with them. Talked frankly adult to adult. That’s what helped heal him. Communication and an understanding of self are what’s important. Being able to accept responsibility for their actions and beliefs and thoughts. [I'm convinced that this is the key to a lot of conflict. It's just not easy, though, and takes a long time. The above bit could have been the beginning and ending of the book. And they all lived happily ever after. I know it doesn't work that way, and all parties involved need to do the work.]

This is a book for people who haven’t worked on themselves. If you’re early in your healing journey this book may be helpful. [This is about where I started thinking that the book might have merit. It's a great starting point for someone who wants to heal, who know that things could be better, who want to start the work, but who haven't thought to look back at their parents', grandparents', even ancestors further back's lives.]

“healing is an inside job” [This is a damn good quote.]

What it comes down to is learning how to express yourself, your thoughts, feelings, experiences, in a simple and truthful way. We often speak in metaphors, which is fine. I love a good metaphor. But metaphors hide the meaning. The listener has to 1. hear the metaphor, 2. understand the metaphor, 3. translate the metaphor into plain language. Doesn’t that sound exhausting? Why not just speak in plain language from the start. Because we’re scared. Of rejection, humiliation, being wrong, all of those negative feelings. Being vulnerable requires facing that fear and accepting it.

[I prefer plain language, even though I too fall victim to using more beating around the bush language than I'd like. ]

The story of “Sara” - drunk gma runs into a tree, killing gpa. Sara is reliving gma’s pain? 

The thing I don’t like about this ancestral trauma is it allows a person to avoid thinking about their own life and experiences. I can accept this form of treatment in the way that you don’t need to carry someone else’s pain. Where this book leaves me is when he digs up a relative with similar actions/reactions to themselves [the client], and the client doesn’t know until they have to think about it. Then aha! there’s your trauma. 

Epigenetic changes. [Activation of genes without changing the underlying DNA.]

I find it fascinating that we inherit biological changes from a traumatic event as genetic preparation for other traumas. Holocaust survivors can have changes in their DNA due to the horrors they experienced. Those changes are passed down to the next generation. Our bodies prepare for a future where the past experiences might come back, but this time we’re more prepared for it. That is survival of the fittest. The slow genetic changes that are always looking backward in preparation of the future. 

Mothers under extreme stress, emphasis on the extreme, can pass along adrenaline and cortisol to the fetus. It can create changes to the fetus’ development, preparing the fetus for the same kind of stressful experience regardless of what kind of environment the fetus might experience in their life. [This was a good explanation of how trauma changes you down to your core]

I accept the premise, but I’m doubtful about how much ‘ancestral trauma’ actually works on a biological level. I wonder where this fits in with eugenics. [Eugenics - the intentional changing of human genetics through selective breeding. I find eugenics fascinating in a slippery slope kind of way]

The thing that really bothers me is the book implies that the onus of generational healing is yours. It doesn’t give any responsibility to the family members who are also traumatized. [It occurs to me that maybe the core of this method of healing is to find a way to release yourself from trauma. If it has to go through the lens of ancestral trauma in order to be able to find that release, then why not?]

The best I can draw from this is that we should look at our parents with compassion, as we don’t know what happened to them in their life or their relationship with their own parents as they were growing up. 

We can teach and learn compassion with parents without releasing them from their actions. They need to take responsibility too. I don’t understand ancestor worship. I also don’t believe in putting the past on a pedestal. 

He falls into the trap of correlation not equaling causation. His assertion that cancer and other diseases correlates with strained relationships with family in chapter 6 can be due to the increased stress involved with trauma-inducing parents, and that’s not the child’s fault. I really don’t like how he minimizes the traumas caused by parents, and doesn’t seem to understand that some parents or other ancestors are not safe to be around. 

The book has some merit in learning how to feel compassion for your parents, which is a good thing to learn anyway, but the low-key, not said out loud, victim blaming is something I cannot endorse. Further in chapter 6, he comes close to directly suggesting that we are responsible for our trauma, just by being a baby that may have been difficult to raise. It’s ok though, because we don’t remember that early. 

[I didn't like this book, but I didn't hate it either. It was kind of fun to argue with it in my head. I don't agree with his premise or methods, but I can see how other people might. It's important to read a wide variety of books and gain a bigger sense of perspective. I don't want to heal that way, but someone else might. This book might be the key to healing for someone out there, and that's worth far more than reading me bitch.]