Mindfuckery

Google AI Definition:

"Mindfuckery" is a slang, vulgar noun that describes actions, events, or psychological tactics that deliberately destabilize, confuse, or distort someone's perception of reality. It is the practice of executing a "mindfuck"—a situation that forces a person to deeply question their own beliefs, memories, or sanity.

I figured that if “Mindfuckery” was my title and what I was going to write about, I better see if my definition of “Mindfuckery” was anywhere near how the general population sees it.

Yep, nailed it!  That’s exactly what I thought it was. I would compare it getting disoriented in the dark as I walk to the door of the house in from the garage with no lights on (by choice). My eyes start playing tricks on me as they try to adjust to the darkness (after having been focused on my screen). Just now, I thought I was headed straight for the door and ran right into the cardboard boxes I had stacked next to the door for storage. Things weren’t where I thought I saw them. I suspect most of us have been on either one side or the other when it comes to comes to “Mindfuckery.”  It's a major weapon in the abuse cycle. I believe one of the traits of “Mindfuckery” is gaslighting.   It seemed to be the current buzzword.  For the longest time, I wasn’t even sure what gaslighting was.  I had to look that up too. Again, AI says:  responding to a person in a way that makes them doubt their own experience. Another one of those weapons in the abuse cycle.

I’ve become more aware of this and how it plays out, having experienced it in previous relationships myself, actually having friendships or relationships that didn’t include that abuse, observing some of the relationships around me in the past few years, as well as in some of the research I have been doing lately. I’ll probably have more to say about that aspect some other time. Recently I discovered that my brain actually attempts to do that with me on a regular basis.  I start hearing “old tapes” and start questioning what I know now to be true.  Those old tapes come from any direction at any time.  They are a result of my experiences, my interactions with others, and the way I feel about myself. My brain will go on a tear and before I know it, I have jumped off a cliff somewhere and find myself in some deep dark hole that no longer makes sense to me, let alone anyone else.

Over the years I’ve learned how to talk to myself and pull back out of that hole and come back to the reality of who I am today, how I got here and where the hell I’m going to go.  Sometimes I need to air it with someone else and check my “crazy".  I’ve had a few experiences like this on the bike trips I have been taking this year and it has provoked a lot of thoughts while I was riding.  This summer I have discovered a whole different level of enjoyment in riding my motorcycle.  I suspect it’s always been there, and part of why I’m so passionate about riding.  I started to experience that last year when I wrote a blog in my head while leading my group of friends on a weekend motorcycle trip…It’s the journey, not the destination.  This summer, I’ve discovered (and utilized) the “so-called wind therapy” as I rode in order to deal with physical pain and/or a whole myriad of emotions such as grief, anger, anxiety, even joy.  You name it, I probably experienced it over the last few months on my various road trips.

I have started talking to myself as if I cared about myself.  I wrote about my first experience with this in the blog I wrote after I returned from my first road trip…The Rest of the Story.  I was able to change my mindset, quit focusing on the fact that I didn’t know where I was, which was ratcheting my anxiety in spite of the fact that I was following the GPS and I knew I would eventually find the road I was supposed to be on, and I was not enjoying the curvy roads and beautiful views as I was trying to get back on track.  I was able to quiet the anxiety and get back into enjoying the ride and eventually got back to the road I wanted because I knew how to get myself home from there (without the GPS).  I’d rather just ride.  Later on, on that same trip, I was able to talk myself into ignoring the pain and focusing on the ride, and it worked.

The “stress test” ride that we did to Connecticut accomplished exactly that.  It stressed.  Pushing the miles with the accompanying heat is very stressful.  And, what do we do (me, at least) under stress?  Revert to old survival strategies in my head.  Guess what?  They don’t work too well anymore.  They’re a bit outdated now.  They only serve to help push my mind over that cliff again.  I experienced similar stress and reactions on the trip we took to Wyoming as well, again pushing the miles and dealing with the extreme punishing temperature changes.

I did a lot of processing during and after those trips.  One of the conclusions I came to for myself is that it really comes down to my mindset going into the situation.  The other cool thing I discovered though, was that I could change that mindset if I wanted to.  Well, fortunately for me, and as I have stated on many occasions, I have a very low tolerance for pain, whether it is physical or emotional.  I don’t like it, it gets in my way, and damn it, I’m going to find a way to relieve it. Now!!!  I process pretty quick and come up with a solution to relieve the pain because I just don’t want to keep feeling that way.

This last weekend I found myself, once again, in a stressful riding situation.  I rode to southern Wisconsin with a couple friends.  I needed to be back home by noon on Sunday for another commitment so I planned to leave by 8:00.  My friends were deciding whether they wanted to leave that early with me, or later.  Looking at the forecasted weather the night before (thunderstorms coming through from where we were and a good share of the ride home), they decided they would wait to leave until after the storms moved through.  Wise decision on their part, but not one I was willing to make for myself, as it was very important to me that I be home on time.  Looking at it closer throughout the evening, it appeared that the storms would be coming through right around 8:00.  I decided to leave about 6:00 in order to get as many miles in as possible before the rain really started and to give myself enough time to make it home when I got slowed down or stopped by the rain.  Well, it all worked out pretty good for me.  I left at 6:20 and was able to ride the first hour or so with just a little spit of rain here and there.  Then I had about 40-50 miles of light rain before I got to the other side of the front coming through and it cleared up and I was able to ride home.

The thing that was really different for me on this trip was my mindset (maybe I learned something along the way).  When I made the decision to ride home with the potential of rain or severe weather, I approached it with the mindset that I was choosing to do this, I’m going on my own and I better make sure I do it safely.  I was fully prepared to ride in the rain and dressed accordingly (I put on several layers of what I had with me, including my chaps and light leather jacket, under my rain suit to keep me warm).  I planned for slowing down (making no time) to accommodate the conditions and stopping (hopefully with shelter) to wait it out if it got too heavy (again, making no time).  By leaving even earlier not only did I get the opportunity to ride with less rain, but gave myself more time to get home safely without pushing the time.  When I got ready to leave I checked my GPS to how to get out of town to the road I wanted to be on.  Thank you Google.  Of the three suggested routes home, “severe thunderstorms” was noted on two of them and the third stated “avoids severe thunderstorms.” That was not the route I had planned to take.  But, it seemed like a pretty good idea, so I went that way.  Because I had mitigated the primary risks of the ride home, I didn’t even experience any real anxiety while riding in the rain and watching for whether it was going to get worse.  I just concentrated on doing it.

About the time the rain quit, it was time for a gas stop.  I got gas and spent some extra time having a couple smokes before getting back on the bike.  When I got back on the bike, it wasn’t long before I realized I was enjoying my ride, and the pain I had been experiencing in my ribs from an old injury wasn’t even bothering me much.  As I approached the next bigger town, it occurred to me that since I had made it through the rain and it since it was so early that I had plenty of time, maybe there would be a Caribou and I could stop for my drink and sandwich.  After all, I had gotten up three hours earlier and hadn’t eaten yet.  Maybe I could do with some food and caffeine.  And, there it was.  I pulled in, parked my bike and got my drink and sandwich.  Although the rain had stopped, their outdoor furniture was still a bit wet.  No worries, I still had my rain gear on, so I sat outside, ate my sandwich, played my game and stayed a bit longer to have a few smokes.  When I got back on the bike, I felt like a new woman and it was like I was starting my day all over again.  I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the ride and the pain I was experiencing earlier never really surfaced to a level of consciousness again.  It was still there when I got home, but didn’t really bother me much while I was riding.

Reflecting on that experience even more as I’m writing this, I’ve come to understand myself even better.   Taking care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally really does work.  Just like I’ve been hearing all along.  I know this and have done it with varying degrees of success over the years.  But, I love the fact that through the sometimes intense healing and growing I’ve done in recent years, as painful as it was much of the time, I’m finding some really cool things out about myself and really like what I’m growing into.  I guess you’re never too old to learn.  I’ve certainly proved that. And, the best part? It’s all building my strength and confidence to hit the road and do my part to help build the foundation for Clearview Works.

Love and Peace,

Chick