Like a Frog Leaping From Lily Pad to Lily Pad

-Early in our marriage, my husband said that about the way I think.  He’s right.  I cannot even start to defend that.  It is exactly how my brain operates.

I think…then I immediately leap to the next thought.  The next thought may or may not be a straight step according to the logical thinker.  It happens at lightning speed and sometimes goes a bit sideways.  At heart, I think it’s my free spirit in action.  One is never sure where I’m going to land.

So what does this have to do with anything?  I’m not real sure, but recent events lead me to believe that everything really is connected in a way that I never could have imagined.

You’ve heard from Alice and Kevin about our trial run and well-designed stress test (it did exactly as planned…stressed, and we learned a lot).  Needless to say, I did a lot of thinking and processing during the entire journey.  Not all the thinking was positive, and I had quite a bit of work to do in my head to come to terms with it in order to move on.  Thankfully, there was a lot of alone time on the motorcycle, which in and of itself, is the best therapy time spent ever, I think.  I don’t feel a need to spend energy here reviewing the events.  I think they covered it pretty well and I’m in full agreement with their assessments (and pretty damn grateful that I made it without injury or even severe pain episodes, found that I was already strong enough physically for hard riding days and being able to handle my camping gear by myself, and handled the hills to the bathrooms without incident, only complaints).  And, quite frankly they are only the catalysts that precipitated another opportunity to expand my spiritual awareness.  That is the real crux of the matter for me.  And, since this is my blog, it’s all about me.

Getting ready for being on the road for two years is multi-faceted and requires not only physical and mental preparation, but spiritual as well.  I have spent more time riding and camping in the last six weeks than I have been able to do over the last few years and I packed a lot of experiences into that short time.  I’ve been learning a lot about what I can do, what I should do, and what changes I need to make to continue to prepare for the ride.  Things like:  dealing with the physical pain after dumping my bike on the first ride; being able to calm my mind when anxiety or pain were taking over and I wasn’t enjoying my ride; mitigating  riding conditions (heat and cold in particular); self-care on the road (eating, water, rest, etc.); what gear I need, don’t need; what modifications I need on the bike (including ending up with a  new ride that is easier for me to physically handle and rides like a fucking dream.  These experiences also brought about a profound spiritual growth which only serves to provide an even stronger base for me to operate from while on the road.

After returning home from our trial run and well-designed stress test and some great conversations with Alice and Kevin now that it was all over, things started to shift for me.  Later, Alice and I spent some more time talking and listening to music in the garage.  The songs started capturing my attention and  I started capturing the song titles in Notes because they all of a sudden, became important to me and I wanted to capture them for future reflection.  The songs were actually capturing how I felt in my soul and I wanted to understand what those songs were making me feel and where they are taking me.  If you’ve read any of my recent blogs, you know that I have been in a mode of self-discovery, figuring out who’ve I become now after having walked through my version of hell, and confirming my life choices for this new stage in my life.

After Alice left and went about her day, I continued to sit in the garage listening to the music and contemplating those songs while playing my game.  Just like being on the motorcycle, listening to music speaks to my soul.  Playing my game gives my mind something else to think about while I let the music carry on a conversation with my soul.  I always need at least three things going on in my mind at the same time in order to be able to keep pace and not get bored.  So it seems to work for me.

At some point I realized that there was a real pattern and order to the songs that were speaking to me.  I included the list here just to give you an idea of where I went with these songs.  I think there may be a whole lot more to write about each of them, because there is still a whole lot more to reflect on yet and I’m not ready to go that deep yet.

The lily pads I visited:

Born to be Wild…

All she wants to do is dance…

You got this…

Sweet dreams are made of this…Generous…

Freebird…

Fly like an eagle…

Don’t fear the reaper…

Keep on climbing…

I will sail my vessel until The River Runs Dry…

Mighty Wings…

I hope you dance…

Back on the road again, I’m on my way…

Runnin’ down a dream…

Heal me, from me…

Baptized in mud…

So, there is a lot to unwrap there and I haven’t really even started so I am sure there will be more to come.

Meanwhile, as I listened to the music and reflected, I hit a few more lily pads and this is what I came up with.

I’m extremely grateful for the love I have received in my life and excited about the fact that I get to carry that with me and share it with others.

I’m grateful for my mom and dad’s constant love and for my mom letting me go in her heart with love, knowing I need to go on this journey.

I’m grateful for the way my husband loved me.  He taught me how to love and I have always felt that his love and support was the catalyst for who I was able to become in my life, career, marriage, family, etc.  His love will continue through me as I go on.

I’m grateful for that “chance” meeting with Alice almost three years ago.  Not only did she become a close friend, she became my “end of life doula” and walked beside me as I buried my son and my husband.  She became my spiritual guide as well, supporting and encouraging me to find my own spiritual truth.

I’m also grateful for the opportunity Alice provided for me to explore Qoya dance.  Qoya opened the door for me to be able to utilize the music that moves my soul together with movement in my healing journey.  I have a new-found freedom to just be myself and not worry about how I look or appear to others.  I’m just me.

I listened to several of these songs over and over as I contemplated where I am at in life and what I’m about to embark on.  I still cannot see myself living out the life of a quiet widow.  I still need to get out and experience life out there.  Just like when I was 16, or 25 with a few years in sobriety.  I made choices back then about how I was going to live and I’m still making those choices today.

Ultimately one verse of one song seemed to capture where I am today.  I wrote down the words, changed the word “girl” to “world” for myself because that it what it means to me.  Credit to  Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Freebird:

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?

For I must be traveling on, now

Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see

But, if I stay here with you, “World”

Things just couldn’t be the same

Cause I’m as free as a bird now

And this bird you cannot change

And, that is how I said goodnight.

Love and Peace,

Chick