Mother’s Day

So, the picture is crooked. Give me a break. It was 5:15 in the morning and I just woke up. Nothing is straight at that time of the morning, I’m just saying.

This is a tough one for so many whether their mom is still alive or not. Most of my friends have lost their mom by now and it becomes a day of celebrating of who they were with a load of grief.  Then, there’s the family dynamics that exist everywhere that can make family events challenging.  Mother’s Day last year was just about six months after my oldest son died.  I declared a “no Mother’s Day zone” in my home. I told the other boys and my husband that it was not a celebration for me and I wanted no part of it.  I was going to celebrate my mom and that was it.  Since I was unable to go up north for the weekend with my husband’s condition, my mom came for the weekend.  We bought and planted flowers and had a great time.

This year, I was still in that same mindset.  In addition, having just lost my husband (who every year made Mother’s Day a celebration for me), I had no interest in any type of celebration for me.  However, at my age, I’m one of the fortunate ones to still have my mom, so I made plans to spend an extended weekend at her house.  She’s the one to celebrate.  I want to be her when I grow up.  She’s turning 89 this week and is still maintaining her home in town and the cabin at the lake.  She’s moving a lot slower these days and wears out more quickly, but she’s still doing everything she can do. No matter what she just keeps doing, just as she has all her life.  The story of her life.

The night before I left, I was invited to Alice’s youngest son’s 18th birthday dinner.  I was honored to be invited and thoroughly enjoyed being a part of his birthday.  The next day on my way up north I was reflecting on the evening and thought to myself, a great way to start Mother’s Day weekend, getting to witness Alice as the proud mother celebrating her son’s birthday and her interactions with both her sons.  It was a beautiful thing to behold.

When I got to my mom’s I found that things had started going awry the day before.  The toilet was leaking so she had someone come out that morning to fix it. But, not so fast.   When the guys walked into the house they could smell gas. So first, they checked out the propane heater and turned it off.  She had electric heat back-up, so at least we could withstand the unseasonably cool weather at the lake.  Then they checked out the toilet and determined it needed to be replaced.  But, not so fast.  The septic tank was full, the alarm had malfunctioned, but it needed to be pumped before they could replace the toilet.  So they went into town and brought out a new toilet and my mom finally found a company to come out and pump the septic.  Meanwhile, there was also water under the washing machine that turned out to be a defective overflow valve in the water heater.  Of course, after a 2 1/2 hour drive with no stops, I had to pee as soon as I got there.  Fortunately my mom had a portable commode setup that we could use.  Flashback to my childhood.  We didn’t have indoor plumbing until I was about 12 years old.  I know how this routine goes.

The septic guys came and pumped out the septic, so at least we had running water again.  However, it was Friday afternoon before fishing opener and the guys wouldn’t be back to set the toilet until Monday, so my mom said we would probably be best to go into town for the night.  I didn’t want to leave the lake.  It is so peaceful and healing to be at the lake.  I said “my brother can set the toilet” so I called him.  Anyway, to make a long story short as possible, that turned out to be a major job.  At one point, I asked my brother about the ETA of the toilet getting fixed and he said about a half hour.  Damn, that’s not going to work for me.  I grabbed my purse and phone and ran out the door to find a toilet.  Well, it didn’t take long for me to figure out I wasn’t even going to make it to his house.  But, as I was racing down the gravel road, wondering where I was going to have to stop, I then I remembered…fishing opener.  I bet there’s an outhouse at the boat landing.  Saved by the bell.  I still went to my brother’s house and got some tools that he needed.  It turns out that the previous toilet had not been set level and major work needed to be done in order to replace pipe in the floor and get it setup.  After I came home from the second run to the boat landing, I found my bags lined up at the door.  Guess we were going to town after all for the night.  The next day my brother bought the tools he needed and finally got the toilet working by the time we got back.  He also replaced the thing a ma jiggy in the water heater, so it wasn’t leaking anymore.  Now we can carry on with our weekend at the lake.  Meanwhile, it also turned out that  the neighbor’s (my brother’s family) next door, also had a toilet that needed to be fixed in their camper before they could spend the night.  Then I got a call from Alice that the toilet at home wouldn’t quit running.  I’m like, oh yeah, that’s been a problem for awhile, the flapper needs to be replaced.  I just jiggled the handle to stop it, but hadn’t gotten around to getting new parts.  My mom said it seemed like I was the common denominator here, so she could just blame it all on me (hysterical laughter).

But a lot of really cool things happened over the next few days that really made it a special weekend for all of us.  I went up there with the intention of making this a great Mother’s Day weekend for my mom with no expectations of celebrating Mother’s Day for me.  I didn’t need it, didn’t want it.  I just wanted to celebrate her and the time with her.  It more than likely could be the last time I get to spend Mother’s Day with her, since we are leaving May 1 next year and will be on the road for two years.

During one of our conversations, my mom complimented me on my writing of my blogs.  She had read some of them, but was a little careful about whether she would read them or not, as she considered the source (me).  She knows what I’m capable of, but doesn’t always want to hear the details and knows how I filter my language around her, but nowhere else.  I told her I would start filtering my blogs for her and let her know which ones were safe for her to read.

I spent some time smoking in the truck (looking at the lake, but too cold to be outside).  Later, I told my mom how much I appreciated, not just being with her, but having the safe place she provided for me to do some healing.  It’s not the first time that I’ve been blessed with being able to go home to mom and find some love and healing at a point when I really need it. We had also discussed the rift between my youngest son and myself and the fact that I was just going to show up at his door Sunday morning (Alice’s suggestion) since he had blocked me and I wasn’t able to reach him any other way.  My mom also told me that he had another incident of passing out on his way home from the bar and being taken to the hospital by the cops.  His liver is catching up to him, too.  I had a pretty heavy heart as I sat in the truck smoking, playing my game and letting the music wash over me.

Another interesting music experience for me.  All of a sudden, the current song on the radio caught my attention and I came out of my stupor and started singing along with it and doing some dancing in my seat to the song “I feel like a Woman!”  I love that song and used to line dance to it.  As I was singing and dancing in the truck, I could feel myself starting to let go of some of the grief I had been sunk in.  But, as I felt myself starting to light up again, I also felt the pull of the grief that I wasn’t ready to let go of yet.  Ok, I guess I’m not quite ready to let go of it, but I’ll keep listening and maybe soon I can move through it.  After a few more smokes, and being grateful for the time and space to walk through it, I decided it was time to go back into the house and rejoin life.

And, man what a life.  It wasn’t long before there was a quiet knock at the door.  It was the youngest girl next door bring flowers for “Grandma L ……”. And, she also brought flowers for me.  She helped us open and arrange the flowers.  Her mom stopped by later and told us that she had insisted on being driven to town to get flowers for Grandma L…and when told that there were other mothers there, brought flowers for me and my sister-in-law as well.  She was such a sweetheart and it was special.

That night, I ended sleeping in my mom’s bedroom upstairs, since she was sleeping downstairs as the stairs were a bit much for her.  The cool thing about that is the room overlooks the lake and the bed is the antique bed from her family that was mine when I was growing up.  Another special moment.  The sunrise over the lake was spectacular.

Sunday morning I went to see my son.  We had a good talk, shared the feelings behind the event that estranged us, some tears on my part and were able to connect again.  We made plans for me to bring him lunch at work the next day as I headed out of town.  My heart was a bit lighter, even though I still fear for his future, at least our relationship was back on its footings.

My brother’s entire family and extended family showed up for dinner that afternoon with my mom.  We tried to keep her from doing too much of the work so she could just enjoy.  She had a blast.  It was a beautiful thing to witness and be a part of.  My brothers and I got her a wood-burning firepit for her patio, since it was getting difficult for her to get down to the lake and firepit there and we all enjoyed the benefits of that, since it was still pretty cool for sitting outside.

After most everybody had left, I invited my niece to join me in the truck to smoke a bowl, since we had both abstained from that during the family gathering. Another unexpected wonderful experience of being able to connect with her too. We don’t often get an extended time alone to just jabber away and it was great. I think we covered just about everything under the sun. Taking the time to foster those connections is what it is really all about these days for me. The rewards are amazing, hopefully for both of us.

I left Monday morning for the final part of my weekend trip.  I had made an appointment Monday afternoon to get my first tattoo with the artist who had done some of Alice’s work.  She told me he had a light touch compared to some of the others, so I thought that was a good place to start.  Since I would be going right by her uncle’s place, I grabbed a pint of pure maple syrup my brother had harvested this spring and stopped by and visited him for a bit and gave him the maple syrup.  Then I got my tattoo and headed home.

My weekend was full of lessons, healing and blessings just because I showed up for others.  It wasn’t all about me (for a change), yet I got the blessings too.  It truly is a wonderful life.  I’m very grateful for what I have been given and it continues to amaze me and fuel me for what’s to come, good or bad.

Alice and I recounted our weekends for each other after I got home.  She said something about whether I was up for the wild ride our lives seem to be taking as we prepare for our 50-state trip.  I told her I’ve been looking for a wild ride since I left home over 50 years ago.  If it’s here now, I’m game.  Let’s ride!

Love and Peace

Chick