The Forgotten?

I have done some research over the last little while or so and discovered something that I find a bit confusing but, at the same time, not. You look at all of the groups, organizations, systems in place, etc., and one thing you will find is that there are very few, if any, depending on the region you are in, groups and systems for men that have gone through trauma or been victims of some sort. Yes, there are programs or groups that help men, but a vast majority of them help everyone. I’m talking about ones specifically catering to men. As a man walking my path and taking on this healing journey, this kind of irritates me. Why is this the case? Part of it, I feel, is the way society and the system are built. Men have always been seen as the “stronger” sex. The tough ones, the ones that can handle anything that comes their way, the ones that don’t have to deal with soft or emotional problems. Trained to keep it all in and just suck it up. Views that they don’t need as much help as women, because a big, strong man can’t be a victim. Well, as a man, I can assure you that that is not true. Men everywhere suffer on a daily basis due to abuse, trauma, and the weight of what is put on them. Yes, I know many of you are sitting there thinking, “Well, aren’t there more women that go through trauma because statistics tell you that men are more often the perpetrators?” Well, I’ll get into that in a bit.

One of the things we talk about at Clearview Works is how we want to be able to help those that have suffered various types of traumas, to help them start their journey to healing, and one of those groups is men. As I have been doing some research and going down memory lane, I have realized that men, although it’s getting better with time, don’t really have a truly safe place to turn or get help that is catered to them. Like I said, there are programs that help men, but very few are truly geared towards them. It takes a little different approach when it comes to men than, say, women. The social norms are different, social views are different, the way trauma and hurt are carried is different. There is no real one-size-fits-all healing path. I have been doing reading and studying on specifically that—how to truly tap into and go about a more direct path to helping men in their journey. I have recently completed a course on the spiritual side of men’s healing, the many different ways to help target the root causes and issues that men face all the way from childhood through adult life. It’s quite fascinating. I learned a lot, both of the process and of myself, along the way. The early installment of social norms and expectations of men through watching older generations, TV, movies, and video games—it all plays a big role in shaping a young man. Throughout our lives, there’s always the expectation of needing to be the provider, the expectation that our problems are our own and we need to carry them in a manner that doesn’t weigh down others. This causes a lot of issues—mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. All of these are tied together. On social media, I often see little videos or posts asking men if they are okay. Well, the truth is, many of us are not. Men go through many of the same situations that women do—the mental attacks from bullies, the social expectations of who we are supposed to be and look like, body shaming, emotional isolation, etc.—but no one ever really talks about it. Men need help too, despite what many think. This is a big part of what continues to drive me in pushing forward with the projects and plans we have for the greenhouse and healing retreat center. I want to help build a safe place where we can have programs specifically tailored to helping men shed the weight that the world and life have put on them. Help them through all of it.

Now, as I said, many people are going to question what I’m saying and what I’m going to say next. The idea that there are more programs for women and none for men because men are the biggest cause of trauma and the statistics show that. In some ways, I can’t argue the statistics, but what I can do is ask this question: With the state of the world, the social norms, and the expectations for men, how many of them actually report abuse and trauma being done to them? I, for one, can tell you I didn’t. I sucked it up and just kept it to myself. You tell someone that your wife or girlfriend or mother is beating you or mentally and emotionally abusing you, 9 times out of 10 the first question out of their mouth is, “What did you do to make her do that?” or “You’re a man, that doesn’t happen, you are just weak.” So what’s the point in reporting? And even if you do get someone who believes you, what’s in place to help? A few small programs that may or may not do anything other than give you some basic, run-of-the-mill information? That’s why I feel so passionate about wanting to do this. I also feel that it can help the men who are perpetrators. Yes, I know—“ooo he wants to help the bad guys.” Well, what made them the “bad guys”? Is it just because they are men? Or is it that they have suffered trauma and abuse throughout their lives and, because of their past and unhealed issues, don’t know how to handle their emotions? Yes, as in anything, there are those that just aren’t wired right and committed the acts and crimes because that’s who they are, but I challenge you to look at many of the people who are perpetrators and look into their past. Many of them have gone through many different levels of trauma and abuse and are continuing the cycle because it is what they know. If we can help them work through their troubles, their trauma, their unhealed past, then maybe we can help break that cycle and keep the next group of their family tree from doing the same.

Yes, many of you think I’m full of shit or biased because I am a man. I’m not in any way trying to downplay the struggles or pain women go through by any means. I’m simply trying to bring to light something that has been ignored for far too long, and that is that men, just like anyone else, need someone or somewhere to turn. So I challenge you—next time you are hanging out or talking to one of your guy friends, ask them how they truly are doing. Often you will get the “I’m fine” or “I’m hanging in there” response, but you may just be surprised over time of asking what kind of an answer you get when they finally open up.

P.S. If you know of any organizations out there that specifically work with men who are struggling, suffering, or help them work through abuse and trauma, please put it in the comments. I would LOVE to talk to them and help build a network for men like me.