42

Douglas Adams stated in his book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that 42 was the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Ani DiFranco wrote a song about being 32 flavors and then some. All irrelevant to what I am actually writing about, and I just turned 41 so it’s not about my age either. Well, maybe, I am leaving for the bike ride when I will be 42. Just a lil snip bit of the rabbit hole of the PLC (Programable Logic Controller) of my being, my brains wiring.

Yeah, lost a few of you that’s all right. Weed them out early am I right? Sink or swim is how my poker hand of life was dealt. I don’t know why it should be any different when it comes to myself at this point.

Ohhh, Yes back to the “title” 42 and how that came about, remember everything is connected. (So maybe reading what I’ve read and taking a listen to the song you might pick up on the bread crumbs to who I am while learning to follow and learn others as well)

It’s crunch time y'all. I have been making some major moves, that from an outside view could possibly resemble a mid-life crisis. Folks not necessarily knowing it was planned, pre-meditated if you will. In all honesty, folks don’t need to know nor do I care what people think anymore. That ship has sailed. Got tired of mine sinking from the weight of others. Choices are hard and I have chose my hard.

I need to do some good ol’ Good Riddance here. Let go of some old projects and just lay a few things on the table with a good lil’ synopsis.

42 is the number of sayings that have been said to me throughout the past in the picture provided for this blog. I painted the tapestry to demonstrate in an artistic manner using intense and dark colors that relate to the moods and chaos of trauma. I was originally going to talk on each subject in video form on you tube called LaDY Exposed. L.D.Y. Being my initials and I did in fact start the project. I spoke on how the things that were said on the tapestry affected me, how they shaped me for the rest of my life and saved what I have learned from each of them for another segment I was gunna call Wall of Boundaries. I spoke on the walls I created, the demeanor I portrayed, the guards I put up, and armor I developed over my life time. Short story, a lot happened. Plans don’t always work out, and no matter the hand life/god/universe sometimes lays a better one down leaving you with nothing but one more round of cards worth of chips. Choices are hard choose your hard.

So, here we go. This is the list of each statement on the tapestry, the source of the statement, a short description of situation and a lil bit of what I learned.

1. “They wont believe you”

Ex screamed this after throwing me down and banging my head off of a support beam for covered porch after I told him I was done with the abuse and was calling the cops. Went into detail about how he would tell the police about how I was abused as a child, would tell them I beat our children and because of my history of being a victim the cops will believe him and not me. I was naive enough to believe this and stayed.

Learned - It doesn’t matter who believes. All that matters is you believe in yourself and get back up and do what is right for you and your children regardless of the so called support you had.

2. “I hope you die”

Mother yelled this off the porch of my childhood home after an argument about my clothing on my way to bus stop. “I hope you die and you get hit by the school bus you lil bitch.” Kids walking to the bus heard it, or at least I felt like they did, I kept my head down and walked as fast as I could.

Learned - To hold my head high no matter what. In school, with rumors, with everything. Hold your head high. No matter the whispers and snickers behind your back hold your head high and forgive them for what they do not know.

3. “You’re nothing without me”

I heard this from all spouses is some shape, way, or form. All in different aspects but all coming from a place of anger.

Learned - I was a hell of a lot of something and too much for little hands to hold. That I am okay walking alone with my muchness until, if ever hands that can hold me come along. Either way I no longer strive to be something for nothing, meaning no longer accepting bare minimum.

4. “Getting you pregnant is how I can keep you”

My first, the boy I lost my v-card too. Long into relationship after I was wanting/talking about breaking up because I was too young and he was older. I mean I was 14 with a $2.5k ring on my finger and he was 18. He held me down in a truck while I screamed NO, crying till

he came inside of me, then took me to one of my favorite fishing holes. HE started crying and apologizing then said through his tears the above statement.

Learned - People will do some psycho shit out of desperation in the name of so-called “Love” not seeing that it’s not love at all. That they are so self absorbed in their own disparity they only feel their own pain and not the pain they are causing. I have seen some of the worst "crimes" come from desperation. Choose to never act from a place of desperation. Especially being appalled listening to a man cry about raping you and expecting to be comforted because he doesn’t want to lose you. Do not retaliate out of desperation either. I have never seen anything good from acts from desperation. Stay strong.

5. “I have people watching you; even at work”

Ex after trying to get out of the marriage being separated for a while. There was a long drawn out process of court proceedings for the divorce. This was told to me to obviously to instill fear. Which at the time it did. It caused paranoia, I started watching who I talked to and started shutting even some of my closest friends out of my life without explanation. This expanding over years because it was not the first time I had been told this and heard it in other forms like “you can’t trust your friends, you don’t know who is telling me things” “I have eyes everywhere” so on and so forth.

Learned - More like reinforced situational awareness. I don’t know to this day if he really did have people watching me. Nor do I care now. Watch me. It’ll be fun. That’s where I am at and it’s a sense of liberation I never felt. To relax and not care what people see or don’t see. I have nothing to hide and not afraid of being judged for things people do not understand, have the full story to, or what they think they saw or didn’t. Question me all you want. I won’t hide or be isolated ever again. I will not go back into the shell of shame, it is no longer my home. So, what I learned is “Know thy Enemy”.

6. “Pieces”

Ex would tell me this when I would leave with my bags packed after multiple accounts of abuse. Meaning I was leaving him and our marriage in pieces every time I left. I left countless times and very much fit into the statistics for woman in these situations. This was blame shifting at its finest because I was supposed to be and vowed to be his ride or die. Til I realized at what cost.

Learned - Some promises, vows, and rules are meant to be broken. Part of the learning process and self worth journey for myself and many that lived lives similar to mine. Continuously putting your own life in danger in the name of so-called love is a choice. That i was a victim once til I continued to CHOOSE to put myself in this situation again and again.

7. “Hussy”

Grandmother called me this one day after an argument about being nicer and more obedient to my mother. This was said after I told my mother about being molested by an uncle and gma didn’t want to face it. Not her boy. Told ma I was spoiled and attention seeking and needed to be beat more. This is when beatings got worse at home. I was devastated when I looked up the definition later that evening, my gma was my favorite and I thought she was my safe place. I never knew ma had talked to gma about what uncle was doing. Hussy definition in the Webster dictionary I had as a kid was two words only. “Worthless Woman”

Learned - When you have more self worth than others they will do anything and everything to destroy it. That ignorance is bliss typically only for the guilty and compliant. That when a person points 1 finger at you it’s 3 pointed back at themselves. That someone else’s perception of you is not always right. Again hold your head high and stand in your truth.

8. “If you tell”

Ex used a lot of my childhood trauma against me. Twisted it in a manner telling me that this or that would happen to me if I left. It came in many forms and was also reinforced with growing up after abuse hearing “What happens at home stays at home”. It worked to say the least. Often “put me in my place” and forced me to be compliant by instilling fear.

Learned - Tell someone anyway. There are too many cases of woman like myself hiding it. Not talking about it. Protecting our children’s father or our husbands because there is the societal influence of being a good obedient woman and upholding our duties because we are the lucky ones having men provide for house and we better bow down regardless of his maltreatment.

9. “Not enough evidence”

The 3rd and final judge for divorce and custody proceedings. I knew damn well that all the files were not read. Due to the amount of time the lawyers had to present their cases, things were over looked and skimmed, if read at all. I feel a lot of people experience this.

Learned - We are just numbers aka: cattle. The system is not liberty and justice for all. It’s rigged for the wealthy and the guilty.

10. “Revengeful Ex Wife”

I was told by a police officer after talking to the ATF and FBI about Ex and his affiliations with the white brother hood. My boys coming home at early ages talking about “No face on base” and how they were building shrapnel bombs with their dad and his old vet neighbor for the new militia. Due to how fresh the divorce was, the cops told me it seems a bit far fetched and it looks like I am being a revengeful ex-wife, not that I was actually scared for my SMALL children building bombs and coming home telling me about their new family all white puppy named cracker.

Learned - The amount of groups/militias in the USA sky rocketed after Obama became president all over the country. Militias are not Illegal. That any woman getting out of a domestic violence households and what they are up against, because anything she says marks her as revengeful. Just trying to take out a harmless victimized charming young man. That it’s okay for young kids to build bombs and play “no face on base” games with daddy out on his land. Now, today I feel a few different ways about all this growing more and seeing more of what our leaders really are. What “We the People” are really up against. Frankly maybe my ex didn’t have this part wrong. It’s the loose cannon, strong racial views, and his old personal hero’s aka: villains. That bothered me. Now, I have no idea if he grew up, nor do I care for my personal reasons. For my boys absolutely. I know it takes all kinds. I know the importance of many militia/rebel groups throughout our history.    

11. “I’ll stop”

In every situation of trying to set boundaries for yourself l believe they ALL say this in desperation of you not walking out that door.

Learned- I learned the hard way in multiple situations with all different types of people. Family, friends, or spouses, they never do stop. So, keep walking out that door. You are making the right decision.

12. “Tweeker”

I have never lied about my past and my wrong doings. This came from a mother of a daughter that did not want her daughter hanging out with me because word got around town that I was a meth addict in Colorado with my first husband. Oh shit yeah I had more than 1 husband such a hussy. I was a meth addict but by the time I moved back home and I started socializing I had been clean. I detoxed with my mother for 3.5 months when I left my first husband. I cannot tell you much about this time but I am sure it was bad. My mother and I never talked about those 3 months and we did not talk after I moved out. I am sure during my detoxing she heard every vile possible thing about what a bad parent she was as she still stood by my side until I was fully detoxed. My body was also recovering from malnutrition and some severe injuries from my husband at the time. It was very hard on her yet til the day she died, she never shamed me for that and took my animosity towards her on the chin. She was very accountable for her actions as a parent even then. Even if it was just to me behind closed doors while trashing my name to everyone else to keep her image.

Learned - Another lesson in what people don’t know unless they experience it themselves. The mother had every right to protect her child as I would have done the same as a mother.  You will make mistakes but all you can do is learn, scream fuck and get back up.

13. “Breeder”

After stepping into the LGBT Q, R, S … whatever community. I started to realize I wasn’t exactly welcome there either. Some yes, but if you have bore children as a woman, you were considered a mudded out woman that only went lesbian because no man wanted you and called a breeder in a manner that carried much animosity due to the fact that you were not a pure “gold star lesbian” aka: virgin. You were tainted by the Male species. “Dirty bi-sexual”. Having children was seen more as a disgusting thing especially if they were made naturally and especially if you enjoyed making them. Then the ridiculous titles and rating system in place to rate what percentage of a lesbian you are as well. Note: Not all of the community is like this but enough for me to take it to heart in the beginning for a few years anyway.

Learned - There are haters in every group, creed, color, gender, etc… no matter what flag they wave, no matter what “love is free” quote they shove down your throat. There are always good seeds and bad seeds in the garden. That being a woman with the absolute sacredness to bring life into this world is an absolute fucking honor, and hats off to that way of thinking. Guess who’s gene pool keeps going. Not only did I serve, contribute to humanity by raising some excellent stock and greatly enjoying their moments of conception. I munched carpet too… See what I did there, I owned it, respected their views, made space for mine, and took my power back. Alchemy.

Note: Though some want respect for “their” views does not mean they will respect yours. Learn to bow out with a smirk of self respect, and namaste. Because we all have our purpose here.

14. “Never depend on a man”

Mother. I was in kindergarten and woke in the middle of the night to my mother in a ball on the floor in a tiny living room of the small, one room trailer we were living in. Her boyfriend didn’t want to help fix her truck and she had to get to work and she was a single mother running from my father. She told me that night as she laid in that ball, bawling in the moonlight coming from the glass door “Never depend on a man”. I fought this for many years but she strived to make me a woman so strong that I wouldn’t need a man. Fixing the truck ourselves, changing tires, changing oil, rebuilding carburetors, etc. All before age 12. After my 2 marriages to men, I almost believed this belief she had passed down. Coming from a place of desperation, betrayal, fear and pain. But today I feel the key is to want a man not need a man. But what do I know.

Learned - In all honesty with the amount of trauma I endured, I don’t know that I will ever learn to depend on a man. At this moment in my life I don’t want to depend on anyone but myself. Knowing damn well life is all about learning and I need to work in a team as a team. Hard when anyone

I tried to depend on was never dependable. Life’s joke of choosing what we are familiar with. Still working on self worth and setting boundaries currently so this is something still being worked on and I still continue to waiver on it. So I don’t feel comfortable stating anything I have learned yet because it’s still a teeter totter.

15. “I will take the boys”

This was often threatened when things would get bad. When I refused to be obedient to a dictator in my own home. To be reminded it wasn’t my home because I do not work. I was an at home wife and mom. This is what I was most afraid of happening if I left.

Learned - I was not a bad mother or wife but the partners I picked were what I thought I deserved due to my own lack self worth because of the life I lived as a child. I picked what was familiar. This threat was the most affective. Especially when accompanied with “my father has his criminal justice degree, and certificate from the internet reverend he’ll help and I will win”. Not only was I going to be fighting him for my freedom and safety of my children but he made it clear the family was on board to take my children as well. I didn’t hear it from their mouths personally but their actions in later years only proved my husband was telling the truth and what I would be up against. Glad he did. I was able to maneuver in such a way that I was able to get out.

16. “He would never do that; he’s too small”

You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I heard this when I finally started coming out about the abuse that was happening at home. There was literally one person besides my mother that didn’t question it but that was due to the fact that they knew I was lying and covering for my spouse. The amount of time they spent with me helped their case of knowing I wasn’t lying when I started telling the truth. They already knew from observing.

Learned - In my experience I feel the “small” ones are a bit more hot headed than the rest. I feel they had to be for survival. Some obviously take it too far especially when backed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), Narcissism and develop what I believe is napoleon complex. I also know I would rather be punched by a fat fist over a bony fist any day. Bony fists leave more damage and pop blood vessels quicker.

That I understand my circumstances of the reasons I did not tell people the truth about what was going on at home, but if I had maybe more would have believed me. Just maybe I wouldn’t have fit in to so many statistics.

17. “Dyke”

Yeah this one has been used a lot over the years. For countless years. The number of people is too high to list here. I was/am a tomboy and was raised to do the “man things” so I wouldn’t develop a dependency on them. Often seen as intimidating to the boys. In a world they were taught to constantly put you in your place. Carrying the title of taming the untamable.

Learned - Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

18. “Slut”

Well, by definition I was. I had multiple partners over the years, back in the day I had a few at the same time when I was jaded and wanted the control after being traumatized in many fashions. I didn’t just come out of my mother’s womb a slut. I was built to be one. American made baby ;) Did I have a choice of being a slut, oh sure but I didn’t give a fuck. My body count is less than many but more than many.

Learned - It depends on what crowds I am hanging in that day. It’s all perspective. I’de like to think I am more satisfied, experienced then most and I won’t have to worry about suffering from hysteria.

19. “You can’t”

I think just about every toxic relationship ranging from friendships, to work-ships, marriages, and family used this statement. I feel it was just a statement to bring me down in some fashion.

Learned - People always dream of being “the strong one” but will do anything to try and break down the strong ones. Thinking that by pushing and breaking down the strong one/s makes them level up in a way by being superior to...?

20. “Man Hater”

People have implied this but never out right said except for one man. Who is in prison now. So there is that. In the same conversation he tried to give his words of advice while simultaneously trying to attack. My stance on the subject was more in line with defending myself. He called me a man hater. Also stated “with a mouth like that it’s no wonder you get beat.”

Learned - Obviously his beliefs on how women should act vs my own beliefs didn’t mesh very well.

21. “You disgust me”

Ex learning about my past which shouldn’t have been too awfully surprising with how we met and who he was. However when an ego is challenged things can get vile. Expressing some of my history, specifically sexual history, he very directly and aggressively told me how much I disgust him.

Now some want to jump to his defense even with the vagueness I have stated in this paragraph. However some people are vastly different and that merely asking them to pull your hair a little bit to balance the pain they were causing during the sexual act automatically makes you a sadist/masochist.

Learned - You have your vanillas, you have the end between/s and you have your rocky roads. Some folk are willing to please and some would rather die than do anything more than missionary and dare you ask for more because their missionary is oh so top notch.

22. “Crazy”

Ex loved using the phrase ”Crazy like your mother”. I feel it was his favorite line in moments of his rage. Anything to try and break me down. This was actually the worst to get over. I have often questioned if I was crazy. Any time I expressed myself, thoughts, dreams, etc. I always questioned it. Was embarrassed to talk, felt meek talking to friends and opening up, my therapist spent 2.5 years trying to get me to realize I wasn’t crazy after that marriage.

Up til recently have I understood that I wasn’t but that lil’ demon likes to rear it’s ugly head sometimes. Many friends got tired of me asking if I was crazy after every sentence sometimes. There were times when they would automatically say “no you’re not crazy” and I still questioned if they were telling me the truth and not just placating me or even worse in cahoots with my ex. Feeding him information. I mean he had eyes one me at all times after all.

Learned - Crazy is as crazy does. We are all crazy in some fashion just find YOUR crazies. Like a 68 year old woman that’s like “I’m going on that bike ride.” Right on ride on…

23. “Once a victim; Always a victim”

This came from a woman, with a badge that worked with rape victims for 15 years when I took the class. She referenced it from the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Excellent book, and feel every victim soon to be survivor then thriver should read it or at least listen to the audio. Anywho. I had the hardest time stomaching it. Still do. She had an hell of an argument about the perp always being able to have power of you. Had stats to back her argument and 15 years of experience. I wasn’t discrediting her knowledge. She was an excellent instructor, the facts were the facts, she was good at her job. Yet, I still refused to believe this. About myself. Even sitting there in that class that I ended up taking twice mind you, reading and fitting into every mother fucking statistic, there was. It was very disheartening to say the least.

Learned - Well, I am till trying to disprove this and it’s a bit of a task with many years behind and ahead of me yet. If there is only 4-6% rehabilitating out of the abuse cycle then something is wrong with the systems in place. So I am going to continue to push forward on disproving this statement and have to get back to y'all some other day.

24. “Stay Down”

Ex. This was yelled at me while I was in middle of taking my beating. For false accusations, for wearing clothes that were too revealing for a married woman to wear, for wearing eye liner and mascara because when a woman wears make up and form fitting clothes she is only looking and not being a faithful wife. For not getting wet during sex and that only meant that I must have been getting it somewhere else. I was supposed to wear baggy clothes, no make up, and respond accordingly whenever their needs needed to be met. Told to stay down, and the reason the beatings were so bad is because I got back up. I always got back up. Stood eye to eye. Refused to comply and be beaten for something I didn’t do or something that was entirely wrong.

Learned - I am undoubtedly 100% all fighter. Fight or flight I am a fighter. That I would rather die standing for what’s right than die in compliance for something wrong. My whole character, soul, and heart won’t have it.

It’s a choice. The beatings will never stop regardless of your stance. Whether it be fighting back or laying there and taking it. That fighting a male back makes the beatings worse and they won't stop until you physically can’t get back up, but regardless they won’t stop until you comply. They will do it again and again.

25. “Whore”

Ex. We were living with his parents at that time. I wanted to go to massage therapy school. He went through the lengths of taking me on a tour of the school. Sitting down and getting the financial aid all wrapped up and approved with the school counselor. Was super supportive and charming and totally onboard with the staff of the school. The staff loved him. I was incredibly excited. I was also working on getting my bartending certification to be able to work and pay my way through massage school. Things were looking up so I thought. The ride home he was angry and something was bothering him. I was very confused. Got home and his parents asked how it went then he started laying into me about how disgusting I was. That only a whore would want to be a bartender and massage therapist. His parents walked away and went to their room as he screamed about the fact that a whore would only want a profession where they had to have hands put on them to learn the profession and how I wanted to put my hands on numerous clients for money. Then backed that with the bartending school and how whores are bartenders and the only way to make money in bartending is to be hit on by strangers. He wasn’t quiet, he was yelling and I was crying and trying to calm him down. The next day I was met by my step-mother In-law. Who let me drive her mustang, and wanted me to play the song ‘Right to be Wrong’ by Joss Stone and handed me a book when I got home later that day “Family First” by Dr. Phil. I can’t even describe the feeling of defeat and isolation I felt. I didn’t finish the bartending school at that time, or started the massage school regardless of the approval for the school and being all signed up with a start date. I called and told them I changed my mind. A couple years later I signed up for Motorcycle Mechanics School, specializing in Harley-Davidson. I was accused countless times of sleeping with my instructors to get good grades. That there was no way a woman in a school of 95% men at a tech school could get the grades I was getting unless I was whoring around to get those grades. This time I didn’t quit regardless of the hell he caused and he most definitely upped his game in order to get me to quit. Fucked with my/our car. Slashed my tires, after the mechanical things he did to it to make it not start didn’t stop me. Attendance was vital for school. Slashed tires, I got a ride. I didn’t quit this time but I had a hell of a time making it through.

Learned - Whore by definition is a prostitute, someone whom exchanges sexual acts for personal gain in whatever form that comes in. So, am I whore. Nah. Unless making sure I am getting MY orgasm in exchange of my (sexual) services. Then sure I’ll take that title. To many years of being unsatisfied by the sexually incompetent.

I also learned what I would never do to my future daughter in-laws. That my sons are all aware where I will put their asses if they did. I would never walk out of the room and allow abuse to happen. Then give them a family first book and dedicate a song that states she is wrong in any shape way or form. I have also learned to stop being afraid to ask questions in classes with male instructors. That my education is far more important than fearing being accused of some shit at home. I graduated with a 3.2 GPA, but I could have been an honor roll student easy if I had the right support and a proud partner. But all I could take from this, to pass on. The damage was already done but I had to make sure my boys didn’t turn out to treat their woman, the mothers of their children the same as I had been. Also teaching them to never allow the in-laws to dictate their marriage, not even me.

26. “I will have you killed by the WB (White Brotherhood)”

Ex. The beginning of this relationship was long distance after spending 2 weeks together. Then 3.5 months of long distance and another 2 week visit I got pregnant after sleeping with him because I agreed to get off birth control so he would know I wasn’t sleeping around. I didn’t see the problem with this because I was faithful. That was a missed red flag. After getting pregnant and the abuse started, yes while pregnant, I tried leaving. He took a lil piece of paper with numbers written on it and said “I will have you killed by the white brotherhood if you leave me with my child in your stomach.” This was the beginning of the threats. This was because I was being accused of sleeping with a childhood friend that I had coffee with often. Something we and our (my) whole circle of friends did for YEARS prior to this relationship. First time I shut my mouth and stepped back in awe. I believed these threats for a long time and learned and did my best to be compliant. I feared for the life of my children and what the hell I got myself into.

Learned - Take your fucking time. Get to know someone. Ask questions, interrogate these mother fuckers for fuck sakes. Understand love is blind especially when you’re young. Find out what makes them tick. Listen to what they say to see if their actions match. Learn their values, morals, beliefs and background. Typically, if it is quick and intense take as a red flag. Go for the slow burns. Learn about what’s happening in the world to avoid being in this situation. Easier said than done especially when I believe we are here to learn to begin with. Try to be self aware enough to know you are not ready and need to heal before jumping into a relationship because it was the first person who really made you laugh. Know what you deserve because you are worth it.

27. “If you leave I will kill myself”

Ex. When the abuse wasn’t working and I grew stronger, smarter, and more strategic, he got more creative, I suppose is how I could put it. When the other threats grew weaker he changed tactics and went for the heart strings. He didn’t just threaten these things he followed through with enough statistically that you never knew if he would follow through or wouldn’t. That’s how the fear controlled me for such a long time. Suicide was threatened often towards the ending years. Grabbed a loaded shotgun and went and sat in a closet. Grabbed camcorder watching family videos in running car with windows rolled down in our garage. So, many times he threatened suicide I became desensitized from it. The closet w/the shot gun I just casually walked by his best friend and told him you should probably go check on him he’s talking killing himself. The car, I walked out into the garage reached over him grabbed the keys from ignition then opened the garage saying “if you want to die so bad you should probably make sure no one is home to catch you.”

Learned - I don’t feel suicide should ever be taken lightly. I don’t feel using it as a form of manipulation to get your way should be taken lightly either. No matter the case whether it is coming from a place of manipulation or a true place of distress each and every person should be evaluated and assessed. Then treated for their ailments. The fact that I was so desensitized from suicide took a lot of my humanity for the souls that were/are in distress. Especially after walking in on and having to stop my mother from blowing her brains out with a loaded .38 hollow point at age 13. Then trying to take my own life from true distress.

(Not promoting I am grateful for my life now and pray no one has to feel the way I did that day. Just is sacred respect and honor that. Not all are lucky enough to get a second chance)

On the healing journey I was able to develop extraordinary skills of discernment. To be able to decipher what is a true suicidal attempt versus a sick manipulation tactic. To not step forward with emotion to handle these situations but with caution and a clear head.

28. “I beat you because you look like your father”

Mother. She said this after one of her worst beatings. It stuck due to the fact that I was often compared to a man I never met, well remembered at the time. I was told I shake my leg like he did. I had certain mannerisms. I argued and manipulated like he did. Things that were said, accused and looked down upon. Things I didn’t know that were anyone else but just me. I am not sure when she said the above statement if it was to justify her behavior or she really was disgusted and put off by my looks and that's why she did really beat me. I hated and shamed myself for looking like a man I haven’t seen since I was in diapers. I didn’t know if the things she claimed were true and felt a certain type of shame for being me. I mean at least I thought I was being me. My mother lived in fear from my father. She had ran and changed her name to keep him from finding us. Her story was far more severe than mine but there are significant similarities, patterns if you will. She suffered from C-PTSD though never diagnosed. Didn’t receive the proper help for all the trauma she endured. I did in-fact look more like my father and never understood regardless of the knowledge I attained about him why I deserved to be beat over something I was not guilty of doing to a person. Yet I was being punished for it. It became more clear to what kind of man he was after being contacted by a cousin and aunt who found me on ancestry.com. All excited to meet me but still the same hesitation. I looked like him, they feared I was like him. They hadn’t been in contact with this man for close to 40 years. They feared me because I was his offspring. I was through the roof excited that I had 5 aunts, but they were too worried about my father and judged me for what he had done. I didn’t stand a chance. I had to cancel a flight out to meet them. My blood uncle from that side didn’t even believe I was his. The fear, terror, and damage my father had done before my time and I was undoubtedly banished and beaten for things I never did or conceived of doing.

Learned - Unhealed and untreated trauma causes others to project their fears/terror/anger/etc. onto innocent bystanders. Perpetuating the cycles of abuse in another fashion. Good ol’ being someone’s collateral damage while they fight wars within themselves.

29. “He’ll stop”

Ex Mother in-law. She knew what her son was doing. Took me aside while walking down a dirt road by the arm. She pleaded for me to stay. That I was the best thing that happened to her son. Told me he will stop and it absolutely broke my heart to have to tell her through tears that he will kill me if I stay.

Learned -  He didn’t stop. I too was collateral damage to the wars within himself. He suffered greatly trying to get clean and I was not strong enough to withstand the doom that emerged through his detoxing. I learned to not beat myself up for it any longer. Not to shame myself for not being strong enough to get him through. But mostly not shame myself for choosing myself over the man I absolutely loved with everything I was.

30. “Liar”

Many called me this when I spoke truth. The time it hit the hardest came from my Dad. Not my father, my Dad. I loved him more than he could ever knew and he still, regardless of the bad blood, had a vast part in who and why I became who I am today. Family business is hard. Raising children that are not yours is hard but at the end of the day it seems the step parents effortlessly and heartlessly are able to discard the children they promised to be there for. One of the last conversations I had to do with a child I had adopted. My kin. I had to make a hard decision to cut the mother out of his life because it was for the best for the child after countless appointments to doctors and counselors. I tried to disclose the information about the mother, not to demean or knock the mother, but more as in a plea for help with this child because the papers were signed. We had no idea what came with this child and it wasn’t easy to say the least and I don’t know that I could ever find the words to describe how hard the 9 years raising him was like. My Dad called me a liar. That I was making the stuff up. All I could say was I am sorry he felt that way and I will talk to him later. We tried years later but the stance still stood as long as I continued to take mine as far as the child went. With everything I knew, dug up in files, and heard from the doctors, phycologists and specialists. There was no way in hell I could back down on stance. I knew I was making the right decision.

Learned - Ignorance is bliss. That it is easier for others to call you a liar than face hard truth. That when it comes to not being blood they’ll cut you as soon as they think you have shamed their title. That people will sit back and judge the way you do things not being in your shoes nor having the balls to step in to do the job they think they could have done better and they will sure as fuck hang you on the cross for it. People cannot see with eyes of fire.

31. “Lazy”

Ex Mother in-Law. I had my first son in my early 20’s. We were living with my in-laws. I was new to having a child. Pregnancy was extremely hard on my body. I felt I was very appreciative of my in-laws. Cleaned the house, helped with laundry, took care of my son without much help. However when I started receiving compliments on the house and how it looked, what a great job I did is when another in the household started stating how lazy I was. This could have been for many reasons and I am sure of a few. Nonetheless I took it personal because I was not. I did need a lot of sleep but my wifely, and motherly duties were always handled. I have always been a reliable and clean roommate. So I was shocked to hear that this was how my mother in-law felt.

Learned - The medication I was on for heart palpitations during that time made me a bit more sleepy than normal. Clearly when egos are being hurt for whatever reasons the compassion for another’s health is over looked. I’d been struggling with heart palpitations shortly after my first was born, then major fatigue, and body soreness. I pushed through. Now it sounds like I was lazy as I describe this but I always push myself harder than the average joe. I still took care of my duties regardless of how I felt. Pregnancy was extremely hard on my body. It compacted the trauma induced life long diagnosis that I would receive a decade in a half later in life. It took that long and going to Mayo to figure out my health issues. So if anyone learns anything from this it’s that signs for health issues show up a lot sooner than people think. You are not lazy because your body needs more sleep. You are not lazy if someone thinks you are lazy. People just projected their insecurities onto others.

32. “I will sue you”

I heard this from an ex and a family member/s if I ever continued the path to write a book. Writing a book has never been a new idea for me. I have always wanted and been inspired to write about my life and the things I have experienced to help others not feel alone, guide them to being comfortable in finding their own healing path and show them some loop holes that I had found. Your knowledge contributes to the pool of knowledge. However this kept me in fear of writing a book for many years. Choosing every word very carefully. I can’t tell you how many times I have deleted chapters due to a downward spiral of fear. Started and quit. Jen on the media team was part of ghost writing one of my attempts and I quit then.

Learned - After reading up on many different laws, there is always a loop hole. I can write what I need/want to write in a manner that in order to sue they have to prove what I am saying is true or not true. Also, don’t name them. I also learned throughout the years that I am not the only one that struggled with the same situation. There are many people that feel compelled, inspired to tell their stories to help others. I feel this is very admirable, courageous, and honorable. That anyone with a colorful history on this path of a healing journey face the same. Finding their voice. It’s hard to find your voice when you were forced to stay quiet with threats of death, being sued, and so much more. People really should get out more and talk about the hard stuff.

33. “He raped me”

I heard this more than once very early in life. A girl age 14 showed up at my doorstep covered in bruises, bite marks and rope burns from head to toe from a family business man in his 40’s. This hit hard during this time due to the fact that I had already been violated. That it happened to my best friend at the time. Couple-ish years later another friend of mine told me the same thing forced in the back of her car by her boyfriend that did not stop as she screamed for him to stop whilst trying to escape her own car. I would have rather gone through it myself than have another have to endure anything close to what I did growing up. Another called the rape card 3x w/3 different accused perpetrators. Even went through the rape kits with everyone of the accusations. Was found out from the evidence she was lying about all 3 and put in group home for 1 year due to false accusations. The girl was 14.

Learned - One case went to trial, man was prosecuted and served a measly 3 years while making plans in jail to off the ones who testified against him. The other was swept under the family rug and the victim was shamed for putting herself in that position and healed alone for months from the physical damages, decades from the other damages with no support or compassion from the ones who were supposed to protect her.

The last one rocked and devastated each family from the false accusations still to this day I do not feel that they have fully recovered. It’s still a sinking stone of a conversation.

This was the decade in my life that I started developing my views on women’s rights, rape, grey areas, and false accusations. Not from my family’s view points but from my personal experience. The rest of my life after only compounded and developed my stance furthermore.

34. “I promise”

I have heard this from just about every mouth that ever wronged me. A whole spectrum of folks.

Learned - If a sentence is followed by a “I promise” this is usually a cue to be leery. Do not count on it. Do not take their word for it. Drop all expectations. Play the waiting game. Majority of the time they will not follow through but there is a couple, I mean just a couple through out life that actually follow promises. I learned to just not make promises.

35. “I’ll change; please”

Ex’s/Mother. This was always said in desperation and kinda goes hand in hand with “I’ll stop” but nonetheless this was something said that I fell for, believed or wanted to believe and still affected me.

Learned - They may want to change but as long as you stay you continue to enable their behaviors because there was no real consequences for their actions. That in staying and falling for these type of statements you make the saying “Once a victim, always a victim” true through compliance. This is because you still give them the power, your power, by staying and allowing them to continue to behave in that manner. That majority of the time it is your stance (which is part of your healing path) to have self worth and compassion for yourself to take that stance of NEVER AGAIN and they will not grasp the full impact of their behaviors with your presence only your absence. (Typically, some choose to never learn)

36. “I pissed inside of her”

Age 17 for me. This statement came from a man I was caring for in the last years of his life. Prostate Cancer. He lived by himself until myself and my spouse moved in with him at the time to help care for him with the other family being out of town. He would tell me all about his stories of womanizing women as I changed his stoma bag. How he had a penis pump surgically installed so he could continue to “fuck” woman. He talked about his ex-wife one day while I was changing his bag again. He explained how much he hated that woman and he hated her so much that he pissed inside of her. Now I had to think about how this was physically possible but he beat me to it and went into enough detail, which I will spare y'all now for once. That I undoubtedly believed he was telling me the truth.

Learned - I have the upmost self restraint when it comes to my rage and anger. What that man told me that day infuriated me like nothing else. I could not believe he did it nor that he was so fucking casual about telling me in conversation. The audacity and balls while he was under my care. I did my job, but I left to cool off. Cooling off was the best thing I could do. I learned that there is an endless amount of sick fucks out there and they look normal. They act normal. They walk amongst us normal. That no matter where you are at you must use discernment at all times regardless of who they are related to, regardless of age, regardless of what crowd they run with, just regardless of everything really. Trust your instincts, keep your cool so your mind can stay clear, and add it to the long list of why you should speak up about the atrocities committed. Give your testimony. Add to the pool of knowledge.

37. “Too Intense; Too passionate”

I heard this countless times from countless people in midst of conversations about taboo views, subjects and worldly events or anything that was important to me. When this was said I pulled back, reeled in and found myself so confused why people were not more intense and passionate themselves. Why am I the odd man out? Why are feelings and emotions…..well just people in fact are so fucking sedated. How can people live in this world see the things we all see and witness on a daily basis and be so unaffected then cast out those who challenge the status quo? Is the fluoride content in H2O a real thing and are that many people actually so dead inside? How are their pineal glands doing? How can one live so walking dead, whistling the sounds of silence to the rhythms of compliance drumming to the tunes of ignorance is bliss dancing with their heads up their own asses blind as an ostrich’s head in the sand screaming this is my land and still be able to just fucking breathe precious O2 with ease?

Learned -  I was sitting in the wrong circles. Not that I didn’t enjoy the company, the friends, the moments and all the wonderful memorable shared experiences. It’s hard to grow/expand in an environment that doesn’t give space for you to do so. Like having fish for pets. The bigger the tank the bigger the fish will grow the smaller the tank the smaller they grow. Makes sense why this would be so important to a DBL Pisces Rising Sagittarius. That no one, I mean no one, should have to shrink themselves to make others comfortable. To live life and find your tribe because they are out there. And fucking’ choose your own tank to swim in.

38. “Psycho”

Only one person called me a psycho. It was after slashing the 4 tires on my own vehicle. When I was being left with my full pregnant belly to care for our child as he packed MY vehicle. Fighting about how I was not acting like a good woman/wife material by having coffee with a male friend of mine I grew up with. While he screamed and packed reminding me again of what a worthless woman I was I walked passed him, grabbed a knife from the block, while he started screaming “what you gunna stab me now” and I just shook my head kept CALMLY walking outside and slashed all 4 of my own tires. Told him he could find a ride. Jaw dropped, stuttered words of why did you do that. Then later to tell me how fucking incredibly sexy I was angry.

Learned - Never stay with someone who thinks you are the sexiest when you are angry. They will undoubtedly strive the entire marriage/relationship to get you to that point. Have no regrets. I was judged a lot for these actions but feel nothing about the opinions… for instance. “Did you have to slash all 4?” “It would cost less if you just did 1.” “You should have just let him leave and reported the vehicle stolen” “You were going to be single mom and would have to pay for 4 tires” Blah blah blah yank yank. Well, FUCK YEAH I DID! 1 tire meant I would have been replaced with the spare. I’d be dammed to have him switching to a spare, changing the tire on my car. So 2 tires seemed ideal but then on 2nd tissss coming from the tire, I needed to really drive the point home, so fuck it 3, well that still wasn’t enough and the stress put on the vehicle sitting that way fuck it 4. Here’s the deal. I knew 100% the first phone call to my mother and telling her what had just happened she wouldn’t hesitate to throw 4 tires on my vehicle. Out of principle. She was proud of me for taking my stance. Laughing out of pride but still gave me a talking to about how I should stay away from him because of how things were playing out so early on in the marriage. I didn’t take her advice. That’s another thing I learned. My mother knew best regardless of her hard shell and tough love.

39. “What happens at home stays at home”

Mother. This saying chapped my ass for many years, well decades really. My mother often said this. After one of her episodes. I have weighed the options being a parent myself. Some things I feel should be just family business but the flip side is that the saying itself when there is abuse in home that doesn’t get talked about, and people can’t get the help that they need.

Learned -  There is still a lot of grey area on this. I feel a lot of stuff should be talked about but in the society we live in it’s impossible. People get judged, banished, outcasted, 86ed from their lives and circles because of things they cannot comprehend nor understand. People lack compassion to help others when it seems too much. The system is so overloaded with all of these deep dark family issues that it is pure fucking luck when a family does receive ADEQUATE support and services.    

40. “I'm sorry”

Blah, over used, recycled too many times, I almost cringe when I hear it from anyone these days.

Learned - It’s a pacifier, if you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it anyway, actions speak louder than words, and a sorry with no change only leaves you broke, and starving.

41. “You pushed her to beat you”

This came from a woman (CaseWorker) that worked for DFS. (Department of Family Services) After a fresh beaten’ from my mother, choke marks included that were readily visible to the naked eye. I listened as my Dad told the case worker that he has never seen any type of abuse in the house. Lie. This beaten' was after her getting turned in prior, me getting put in the group home, family counselor assigned to her home, therapy for myself and mother, anger management and parenting classes for mother. I was told that I pushed my mother to beat me and clearly from what Dad said I was lying and trying to get my mom in trouble.

Learned - Prior to me showing up my mother had already called and had my Dad in line. Kids are often blamed for the abuse in the home. Parents Lie through their teeth. You are stuck with your abusive parents. As long as you are “getting help” examples: Parenting classes, anger management, therapy. It’s shows and PROVES to the courts that the party is trying and actively getting help so any mistakes in between are excused. That systems are too overloaded and skim read files, do not do a thorough job of reading and studying their cases because of the giant stack next to them. It’s an ill-educated guess off of skim reading regardless of your life depending on the choice of that one person.

42. “I will kill you”

Ex. Towards the end of the relationship the other threats developed into this. I am assuming again out of desperation. I truly believed these threats for a long time. I always looked over my shoulder. Was absolutely skeptical of everyone no matter who they were or what title. It didn’t matter if they were the best friend of someone and known them for decade. Everyone was suspect. Always. I didn’t trust people and was so alienated from my own circles that I didn’t trust people that were closest to me. I lived in constant fear. Fight or flight 24/7. I didn’t speak in groups. Takes me a long time to warm up and be myself with people. If the slightest thing felt off I left or ran. I was a scared little girl. Doing everything I could to survive. I had extreme social anxiety. I tried to face my fears. There was a time I was so scared I couldn’t go to a grocery store by myself and my spouse and I worked out a plan to try to push my boundaries for healing. So the plan was that she would call when she needed me to pick up something and I would try to do it. If I was uncomfortable, I’d say not today. That day I pushed through the knot in my chest. She was on her period and wanted chocolate. I was excited to be able to actually fetch her something she wanted and NEEDED. I ended up circling the parking lot about 6 times. Panicking, then crying then called her screaming in total hysterics blaming for putting me in that position. That she knows how I get. I couldn’t breathe. She had to calm me down just to drive home.

When my nervous system was calmed enough I was able to come to my senses and apologize for blaming her. Because that’s not like me to blame and I agreed to it, but in complete utter terror panic mode I was completely irrational. The episode was so severe that day it kicked me into a Fibro/CFS Flare up and I was in bed for 2 days.

Learned - Unhealed Trauma is a killer. The cause and effect of C-PTSD being activated. The chemical releases in the brain to turn and be ran through your blood stream causing heart palpitations. Blood feeding your muscles those same chemicals cause it muscle fatigue. Body feels like weighted balloons. The electrical surge to your nervous system causing your pain receptors to became erratic and high static like a transformer blowing causing severe pain hence fibromyalgia. The slightest touch feeling like someone rubbing against a fresh swollen day old black eye non stop. The chemical reaction in your body like doing an 8 ball of meth in one sitting staying up for 3 days and crashing for 3 in an instant. This equivalent to Chronic Fatigue syndrome. All from one episode.

This is a very layman’s way of putting it. But if you take this and apply it to the education and classes I had to take for my life long diagnoses. Diagnosed at Mayo of Rochester, MN. It all checks out. I learned I had to heal in order to be able to MANAGE the diagnosis. Meaning It can be easier but it will be for my life forever.

Now that that’s out of the way. Good mother fuckin’ riddance. Am I right? Fuck yeah I am. It’s okay. I can be right. Not all the time but about this oh hell yeah.

So collectively what did I learn from all of the above?

There are so many sayings about the power of words. How they affect people when you say things. How I was affected by things said. Despite it being backed with physical, sexual, etc. abuse. The words are what broke me down and relentlessly continued to do so for decades. I know many who are still stuck in this place, as I was. It takes a lot of work to work through these phrases. Simple combinations of words spat in my direction. I’d take the physical abuse over the words any day. Completely delete the sexual if I could because that’s another completely different ball game in the spectrum of abuse. However, when me, myself and I developed the courage to step forward in the healing process. Started giving compassion to my abusers in a manner to understand them and released the power me, myself and I was giving to the words. It’s then that I took the power back, and instead of being a little girl with a quivering stuttered phrase of “Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me; I'd become the sticks and stones. When you yourself allow the words to have power. Yes, in the moment it’s near impossible or let’s just say it is impossible when it’s being pounded in your head and reinforced with their actions and behaviors not to believe them on some level. Making you question everything about yourself to break you down and make you malleable to their manipulations. But when you take the steps to move forward, to leave regardless of those threats. You will find peace. There will be a day you are supported and loved. May not be by the ones you wanted to be but you eventually find. Family, home is where the heart is. It’s not easy, Though as I try and sum this up it sounds easy. It is far from. But it is POSSIBLE and can be done.

For me this is Good Riddance. I am letting it go. LaDY Exposed. So I can move on. The idea was a good one but failure it was not. I was going to follow up with the Wall of Boundaries segments. Because that would have demonstrated the cause and effect and the next stage of living the life I lived as described above and painted on the tapestry. Walls are built , guard is put up and all you are doing is surviving. You can’t skip that stage in order to get to the stage of thriving. This takes dedication, always getting back up, research, endless amounts of self analysis with tons of accountability. Most of all it takes time but all that matters is you continue to step forward. Your tribe, your family, your support is out there. Soon you will be able to sit in a circle of friends where you can take up all the space you want and need and they will welcome it with open arms. Where you can be yourself and not look over your shoulder 24/7. Where you can manage your C-PTSD and just take a few breaths to check your nervous system before the whole system crashes. That the walls you built will slowly crumble in safe spaces and you will be able to tell the difference because of your hard earned discernment. That your nervous system will regulate. You will breathe, thrive, and for once feel alive.

In letting go of old ideas, things I started and didn’t finish, finishing this now to let it go. The lesson is to keep learning and keep moving. With no regrets of getting back up!

Much Love and Gratitude

Lalenya Yahnke AKA: ALICE