Here You Are Doing Only 95…

You know those 10 roller coasters I talked about a few weeks back?  Well, after I wrote the following in my March 23 post: "focus on the positive, Act as If…and change the trajectory,” someone, somewhere, got the brilliant idea that if they doubled the speed on all 10 roller coasters at the same time there wouldn’t be any fallout. Well, somewhere along the line somebody went off the rails.

Actually, things went amazingly well for quite some time.  I resigned my position on my HOA Board.  One small step towards the road.  Then came the Donnie Smith Show and everything that went with that.  At a well-timed decision point in each of our lives, Alice and I together determined that becoming roommates and creating a joint base of operations together was a key step in order to focus our energy on preparing for the 50-state ride without outside distractions.  I decided to go up north and spend some time with my mom, since there was nothing on the schedule and it would give Alice some time to move and settle in.

So far, so good.

I spent 4 days with my mom.  That was probably the best time ever.  It was just her and me and nobody else needed our attention.  We were well-prepared for getting snowed-in on Thursday and just spent the day together.  On Friday we met a friend of mine from work and her husband who had moved back up to the Iron Range after retiring and had lunch.  He had looked for me and Alice at the Donnie Smith Show, but didn’t find us.  He’s been riding all over the country for years and had some really great  suggestions and thought-provoking questions about our ride.  It was fun to catch up with my friend a bit as well.  Next on the agenda was shopping.  My mom was a little too worn out for the type of shopping we do together, so I dropped her off and did the damage all by myself.  Saturday was another snow storm and just hanging out.  At some point I said to my mom “I’m finding some parts of me again.”  She said “I recognize them.” She could see me shift back into who I am.  She also sat with me and helped with my Thank You cards from my husband’s service.  A friend had helped me get started on it a week before that and I just couldn’t find the strength to finish them all by myself.  On Sunday I went to church with her and had lunch before heading home.

Still…So far, so good.

When I got home Sunday evening, it was time to execute the next step in my plan.  It was time to give Mr. Jones (my cat) to my grandson.  Hopefully he will integrate into a home with other cats and figure out what a cat is supposed to be.  I still have bites healing on my arms.  He was a biter since I got him and has only gotten worse as he’s gotten older.  I already had all his things in the truck since he had made the trip to my mom’s with me.  Fortunately for us he still had that cone on his face from having gotten fixed.  He tried really hard, but his ability to bite was severely hampered and we remained relatively unscathed from his antics.

Oh, Oh.  There come those darn emotions again.  Now I gotta say goodbye to Mr. Jones.  Damn!  One of the roller coasters is taking a time out to capture the moment.  I hope it can catch up and regain its position.

I pretty much coasted through Monday.  A little introduction to Yoga from Alice.  Then, for a baseline, we timed how long we could hold a “plank.”  If you don’t know what that is, you’ll have to look it up.  I tried to figure out how to explain it, not happening in this brain.  Anyway, I forget what Alice did, but I was able to hold the plank for one minute and four seconds.  I was impressed.  Who knows what I could do with regular exercise?  The possibilities are boundless.  I hung out with another friend for a while before we attended the monthly Meet and Eat of my A.B.A.T.E. Chapter.  Again, fun, but things are now starting to fall through the cracks.  I was supposed to bring my laptop to her house so we could finish up her mom’s taxes.  I was also supposed to bring a stool from my kitchen counter that I was giving her.  I showed up without either one.  Hmmm.

Tuesday was a packed day.  Alice and I left home to get our energy drinks at 6:30 a.m. I was scheduled to have an endoscopy that morning and was not supposed to drink anything after 7:45.  I almost died of thirst between 7:45 and 11:00, but managed to survive.  Good news.  My ulcers were healed.  Ok.  Another trip for our energy drinks (and a sandwich) and we were off to Duluth.  Alice drove, as I was supposedly still under the influence.  You know what I really like about doing road trips with someone?  I’ve got a captive audience…until a really good song comes on and we crank up the volume, then I gotta quit talking and start singing.  We tried on rain gear until we each found exactly what we wanted and ordered the alterations.  I actually over-heated and collapsed into a chair to keep from hitting the ground.  Alice helped me get the rain gear off and get cooled down.  I’m thinking this level of activity isn’t what the doctor was thinking of when she said go home and rest.  I figured a car ride would cover the rest, then I could carry on.  Guess not.  More cracks to fall through now.

When we got back in the truck, I told Alice that I was done doing anything, I reached my limit.  She gives me a look that clearly said "Yeah, I know Miss I Can Do What I Want. Not surprised, got your back anyway." We headed out to Alice’s uncle who lived somewhere in the vicinity.  We were handing off my husband’s collection of DVD’s to her uncle.  The perfect way to pass it on.  We got something to eat on the way home and I said I was going straight to bed.  I did and slept for about 10 hours.

OK.  I’m finally going to get to the point.  Today I crashed and burned.  The day started off great with Alice bringing me my drink and sandwich on her way home from an early appointment.  Didn’t even have to wait until I headed into town later.  Later I left home and picked up a loaf of homemade sourdough bread from a friend and headed to my credit union to get my ducks in a row in order to pay the bills and figure out how to pay for rain gear I bought the day before on a credit card that didn’t actually go through.  As I talked with the Branch Assistant Manager, who I call my banker, all of a sudden tears start streaming down my face as my voice breaks while discussing my husband’s bank account.  Crap.  Why did that roller coaster have to scream down that hill?  When I got in the truck, I really just wanted to head home so I could escape into my game, smoke and ignore the rest of the world.  I could feel that old familiar feeling of the depression wanting to set in and sit for a while.  But, I couldn’t let it.  I’m moving forward now and don’t have the time or energy to let it sink in and stay awhile.  That’s not how I want to live.  So, I decided I would just carry the pain with me and continue on my list of errands.  Next was Costco to stock up on water.  Oh, and by the way, maybe I should take care of the membership/credit card issue I was having.  As I explained the situation to the very helpful clerk, there came the tears streaming down my face again.  Man, this grief thing sure sucks.  It overcomes you without warning and stops you dead in your tracks. Brief pit stop in the restroom and finished my shopping.

Just to prove I could, I was determined to pick up the cases of water and put them into the cart by myself.  “Don’t need no help.”  I lifted it properly and brought it over to the cart and rested it on the edge of the cart before putting it in.  But, you know those carts are really deep.  I lifted the case of water over the top of the cart and leaned over to set it down.  Man that sucker was heavy in that position.  I ended up putting it down rather quickly and just kept moving.  Head first into my cart.  Smashed my hand between the water and the cart.  The gentleman behind me asked if I was ok.  Yeah, I’m fine.  As I went to get another case of water he insisted on doing it for me.  He said he didn’t want to watch me dive into the cart again.  So, on I go.  As I start to walk into Menards I notice all the blood on my hand.  My skin is very thin and tears easily.  So I grabbed a napkin from the truck and went on my way.  I could tell you about the rest of the day, but it was really relatively uneventful.  There were a few more things accomplished, a few more tears, and even some laughter.  Best part of the day actually was the few moments I shared with Alice tonight after she got home and we caught up on what was going on today.

To the point…pain comes and pain goes.  The only thing I can do is to give it it’s moment and keep moving on.  I think the other point for me is to lock down the controls on those fucking roller coasters and focus on my physical and mental health.  It may be a bit easier for me to weather the storms as they come.  Going through this extreme swing of emotions in such a short space of time today was really rough.  Especially since I had been riding that roller coaster the last few weeks of doing what I want and spending my time with who I want and enjoying the hell out of myself.  But, I think I’m picking myself up out of the “crash and burn” a bit better than the many other times I’ve found myself here.  As I’ve walked through these past months, and especially the past weeks, I seem to be in closer contact with my soul and more aware of how I need to feed and care for it.  I think it helps.  It does feel kind of good.

OK, now that I did my day and wrote my blog I get to sit down for a smoke and time on my game before bed.  No depression this time.

Love and Peace,

Chick