Struggles 2

In my last blog I touched on some of the struggles I went through in my early years. Covering some of the inherited struggles a first born goes through, my experiences in high school and early college. It was really the start of many patterns, habits, and downfalls I experienced. After writing that my brain keeps going, it was pulling up many of the relationship I went through during that time. It really made me realize a few different things. First was my willingness to sacrifice myself for others and how easy it was for me. It's like it didn’t even cross my mind that maybe a relationship shouldn’t be that way. I was only hooked on the fact that someone was willing to give me

the time of day.

Before I get too far into this, I don’t want people to start drawing conclusions or making assumptions about my childhood. I was raised in what many would call a typical American family. Both parents in the house, handful of siblings, pets, house, yard, small quiet neighborhood off in the country but still close enough to major things. I had what I needed and many things that were not necessities. So I’m not saying in any way that I grew up in some kind of home filled with turmoil and hardship. Many would say that I had a great childhood, and I can’t disagree. What I’m doing is just working on telling my story and bringing to light the fact that no matter the background, everyone goes through things and they all affect us on levels others may not fully understand or seem less than others.

Ok now that that is out of the way. Taking a walk down memory lane pulled up a lot of mixed feelings, as well as challenged me in a way. The urge to fall back into the old patterns of just pushing the feelings back down and having a snack pulled up, so I very much had to fight through

that. A snack you say? This is something I have not touched on. As I stated, in high school and for a decent chunk of my adult life off and on I was considered overweight. Now I’m a larger man standing around 6ft 7in tall and have been considered tall most of my life, so some of the charts on weight are a bit skewed as they don’t account for that, but I’m getting off topic. Psychology

would say that I have what’s called an oral fixation, look it up if you want to know more, combine that with depression and finding that food seemed to help satisfy and numb the issues that’s often where I would turn, eating, snacking all hours of the day, not eating healthy. That’s something I have been battling and winning for the last few years. But those cravings and that demon tends to

rear its head when the emotions kick in. So fighting the urge to push down and not sit with the feelings that came up and the desire to distract myself with food came on strong yesterday.

Anyway, where was I going with this, oh right my past struggles. So sitting with the feelings that came up I began to have flashes of past relationships, things I ignored whether consciously or unconsciously that should have been large red warning signs for me. The desire to be accepted

outside of my family and the longing to be with a woman that wanted me drove a lot of my choices. Choosing acceptance and making sure the others had what was asked of me was the way things went. In my head, as long as they were happy, I was happy too, right? Well in some cases this is true, but when it is in every aspect and everything you do, you drain yourself. Your entire existence based on what others are willing to see you for and who you are. Its exhausting.

Draining. And far from balanced in any way.

I would like to say I have learned quickly, but here I am, the stubborn Taurus, born in the year of the wood ox. Needless to say it some times are a hammer to the head to drive a point home. My dependance on others very much continuing for a large number of years. As one relationship would end I would quickly pivot, again seeking to satisfy that need to acceptance. Add into it the growing desire to help those in need, and it gets you into some iffy situations. Seeing women that were struggling and wanting to dive in an help make their life better, thinking I could be the one to "save"

them, when all I did was set myself up for the next hurt. Giving them everything I had and modifying my self, my thinking, my beliefs, all to make sure that they would continue to accept me and not move on. I provided many of them a stable place, them knowing that they could push and push and I wouldn’t push back, only give in. I was a shell of myself. I had lost sight of who I was

and wanted to be. Slowly the world around me crumbled as I made one bad choice after another, not being true to my self, honest with anyone, and losing the ability to stand up for what I felt was not right, all because I felt that I needed love from others to truly be happy. School, work, health, everything took a back seat to others who never really prioritized me in any way. Relationships

that were mentally and emotionally draining, and on occasion physically abusive, yes folks men get beat by their significant others too.

After many failed relationships, a divorce and living a very minimalistic life style to ensure that my partners had what they wanted and asked for(everything I owned fit in the back of a Nissan Sentra). I finally hit a place where I had no choice but to move back home. Now moving back home and

back in with your parents isn’t always a bad thing, I get it things happen in life and you have to do what you have to do, but for someone who was so built on wanting to succeed and show that I too was capable of surviving, it was a total kick to the dick. It took a lot to not spiral. Keeping myself busy by finding work, helping out around the house and working on getting things back

together.

This all took place over a decade ago, but the memories and the feelings still come and go. Over the last handful of years I have been growing to the point that when these feelings and demons do come up, I handle them much better. Are they still there and still show themselves from time to

time, yes, but the respect I have for them, the understanding of them and the way that I recognize now what they are helps me maneuver them in a way that allows me to better sit with and work through them. Struggle is often times what builds us, pushes us to better understand what we are lacking and what lessons we need to learn to continue to grow and adapt to the world around us.

So next time you want to sit and think about your struggles, know that you are

not alone. Someone somewhere is also going through things, what you do once you

hit them decides what path you will travel and how hard the lesson will hit.