What My Ped*files Taught Me

This is not for the faint hearted.

There is no other way for me to write this besides jump in.

Before you jump in. I am asking that the editor do very little editing. I am refusing to edit, which I would to make it more clear but I want readers to see the train of thought, how it comes out raw as a “hollow bone”. There are a lot of gaps in this piece. I also threw it into Chat GPT out of curiosity and I am posting that along with this. It softens my words and makes it more palatable for the readers. It will be in italic below. My writing also came to a hard stop. There are a lot of people that describe me as strong and I beg to differ. I will pace relentlessly and work through the emotions at the same time. It’s not as easy as one would think. In all honesty I had to stop because it was getting to be too much. While realizing that, it will also be too much for most of the readers. Cringe worthy if you will. There is so much more and I am barely touching surface but nonetheless still trying to sum up the best I can for others to see from a different point of view.

I will write a follow up to this blog with my thoughts, feelings and views on what Chat GPT did with my writing as well.

My Pedo’s didn’t care about the sacredness of blood given titles (Examples: Grandfather, Father, Uncle etc) nor do they think about protecting and providing a safe place for their victims/children/niece’s etc.

They start the grooming process early and play the long game. A child in diapers is not off limits to them. The grooming for a child this young is in preparation for the road ahead for the perps. Getting the child’s body used to touch by activating the root chakra prematurely. They will be gentle enough and take their time so the child likes it instead of fighting it. Then they will reward the child. Sugar usually being a kids favorite. The child will know nothing more than it was normal because it was their father or another loved one. While unable to communicate what happened because of how early it started and by the time they can speak it will be a normal day of playing with Daddy.

The child will grow and loose the sacred knowing of healthy boundaries because they never existed because they were stripped from the child while their innocence was drained from their little bodies. The child jumping into strangers laps being extra wiggly because their Apex is overly active and sensitive. Momma having you wear dresses and skirts trying to be a lady and unaware of the damage caused behind closed doors by the lover she chose or thought she got you out in enough time to not sustain any damage. The overly friendly and smiley lil girl bouncing between behaviors of fighting at school and having a strong aversion to dresses and skirts not knowing why.

Dresses and skirts were easy access for the next pedo to slip a hand under while mom and grandma were in the kitchen, and Uncle is watching you. Holding you down and tickling you while you scream no and his hand slips between your 4 year old legs. Daddy already prepped you for the next in line and Mommy didn’t get you out soon enough.

Mommy and Grandma will always believe the other adults. Tell you to stop screaming, not uncle to stop. Power of no starts disappearing.. tickling starts invoking rage.

Little Girl starts an abundance of behavioral issues. Mom has to switch schools because girl kicked a  boy in the face off a slide due to him looking at her pink panties. Kicked out of another school because she was being picked on on the bus and told girl to stop 3 times and when she didn’t she put a ballpoint pen in middle of the girls forehead. Mom is trying to survive being a signal mother and daughter is relentlessly defiant. Grandma getting mad because of disrespect and defiance her once sweet first born grandchild is doing while girl sits on gmas car in the heat of the dessert violently kicking in the cars windshield and not stopping when gma says stop.

Ya’ll see what is happening here?

Read back, where was a moment of betrayal for the little girl? What was taught to her in the moment of betrayal? Where did the lil girl start loosing respect for the adults in her early life. Mind you this is up to age 6 yet.

I believe from the lil bit above it demonstrates that every human knows right from wrong. Eventually when this lil girl yeah yeah I know yall know it as me but it’s hard to write about so third person makes it easier. Nonetheless. I wasn’t defiant, disrespectful, relentlessly rebellious for no reason. I didn’t have classic signs of sexual abuse like wetting the bed for instance. I have and always will be a fighter. Blood bound. I acted out physically, and ran my mouth relentlessly.

Soon this girl would have her other uncle, her favorite uncle at the time drop her off at the bus stop. While zipping up her pink coat and explaining how he did some bad things and will be going away for awhile. To prison. This uncle never made her feel uncomfortable. Was her safe place and now he was leaving. What did this reinforce in that girl? Abandonment issues? Daddy is gone and don’t know why, she doesn’t have the mentally capacity yet to know what was done was wrong yet except on the primal level.

Mom starts getting tired of dealing with father and his threats to kill her and take her daughters away with the endless switching of schools because of the oldest daughter’s suspensions so she moves out of state.

Things start to settle down as mom starts going to collage and got a new boyfriend, a kind man that became the girls safe place. Stability being a hit and miss between the countless number of times of moving, loosing friends, and having to be the new kid over and over again. What’s this keep adding to the girls table? More behavioral issues. Ohh yes.

Moms new boyfriend never hurt the girl, started calming her nervous system, she could settle in his lap as his soft gruff voice read stories, always smelling of wood shavings and pipe tobacco, she didn’t squirm in his lap, because he didn’t have the ill intentions like the others. Yet the girl tested this man in her life, he didn’t know what happened before his time with her. Yet he continued to be patient. The girl refused to call him dad, continued to fight wearing dresses and skirts with all she had. But she started aiming down until Mom and boyfriend took girls to a dinner at their friend’s house. They had teen boys that took the girls into a closet to teach them how to kiss. Ages 6&7. Parents caught them in action. Boys were then takin to living room where girls had to watch as the boys got whipped with switches bare assed. Now, as some parents this seems like a good idea. However the girls are too young and do not have the mentally capacity to understand what is really happening. This kissing the boys made seem fun to the girls, girls like ahhh they are nice. They don’t understand this was another form of grooming, yes the boys are teens and they were just being boys right. Not realizing they were grooming. I’ll get into that more in another blog. However the girls watch, not being talked to about what was happening, and exclamations not done in a manner they could, all they see and understand is those boys that were being nice are being hurt. They didn’t want anyone to be hurt and by watching the boys scream while being whipped the girls learn furthermore not to all about these things because in that moment resource for the human being is kicking in. Children think from an entirely different realm, they don’t have the concepts and understand of these things in life. Am I saying the boys were pedophiles not exactly, but again I will get into how early those behaviors start in another blog.

Home life seems to get better then a few years passed and all are living in another time. Ma is driving to AZ to pick up GMA to bring her home to take care of her due to a stroke, and uncle who was still living with gma is coming with. Girl is excited to have her gma back but is hating uncle coming back. She’s preteen now. Started her moon when she was 11, growing boobs, and body is curving out. Hormones are pumping and more fights about acting like a girl, talks about not being a tom boy and not wrapping breasts in defiance of them growing.

Ma is having affairs on her bf even while she married him when girl was 11. Ma asks if girl about STDS because girl has being learning about it in school, sworn to secrecy. Girl developing her views of how she wants to be nothing more than a mother and a wife to a good man. GMA and uncle moved in, ma’s bf/husband soon moves out due to known affairs. He was told us girls didn’t want him there anymore. Girl has been babysitting since she was 11, took a class and got a certification was very proud of herself. Ma worked for the railroad now and was on call 24/7. So as gma was unable to do much at the time rides for girl were assigned to Uncle. He doesn’t dive right back in but everything he does feels off. The way he turns his music on in the car, how his hand moves and how you are watching every move as he try’s to “bond”, grooming an older mind one that can think yet still malleable and vulnerable. He’ll take all your “acting out” behaviors and monopolize on them. Let you smoke when ma doesn’t. I mean a lot of aunts and uncles do shit like this and I am not saying all have these motives s bear with me. Now think this girl is a preteen, early bloomer, and hangs with other early bloomers with similar lives in a small town. So riskay clothes like short shorts, and v necks become more of what you want to wear. Also fine and dandy if you live in a home with honorable men and woman who would never conceive the thought of ever doing anything like that to their daughters, neices, nephews, etc.

The shorts were easy access. These types of predators watch the clocks, the know when to find the window of opportunity in even the shortest amounts of time. A drive with minimal traffic, 3.5 miles across town will go to switch the music, gauge your mood and in same movement have his hand on your knee and between your thighs in less than a minute. While telling you how beautiful you are and how well you have developed since he’s seeing you last. Looking for a way out but you are driving down the road. Just jump out and roll across the pavement, what happens if I say no, can I tell an adult no, they protect him not me, what about a stoplight, was i to happy today, countless thoughts running through your head and then thank god red light, and you get out of the car and run down the block.

You don’t tell anyone about it. Uncle you love, the whipped boys, no one listens when you scream and say no and adults want you to be seen not heard, they arn’t listening.

Drug use starts moving into picture heavier, your getting in more trouble, hormones are backing the rebellion and the defiance. Ma is tired from riding trains and her other lovers. She’s been physically abusive because gma is telling her she needs her ass beat because of behaviors and they were beatings not anything light. You are in and out of school due to multiple bruises. Your 12 and uncle still continues changing tactics but still has his eyes on the prize.

CHAT GPT’s Version and thoughts of My Writing

Alright.

If it’s all four — process, educate, protect, reclaim — then the piece needs structure.

Not soft.

Not sanitized.

Structured.

Right now your original version is a flood.

A flood processes.

It does not teach well.

So we build this in layers.

You can still include detail.

But the detail must move the reader forward — not drown them.

Here’s how I would structure something that serves all four purposes:

Not a Difficult Child

This is not light.

I was exposed to sexual boundary violations inside family structures before I had language for what was happening. More than once. By more than one person. All of them held titles that should have meant protection.

The grooming started early. So early I didn’t know it wasn’t normal.

When inappropriate touch is introduced by someone a child is taught to trust, the body adapts before the mind understands. You don’t call it abuse. You call it “playing.” You call it “normal.” Because that’s what the adults model.

By the time I could form sentences, my nervous system was already trained.

Trained to:

• Scan every room.

• Monitor tone shifts.

• Calculate escape routes.

• Test people before trusting them.

I wasn’t rebellious.

I was evaluating risk.

I wasn’t disrespectful.

I was responding to betrayal.

When I screamed “no” and adults told me to stop screaming instead of telling him to stop touching me — something rewired.

When I watched older boys punished violently without explanation after “being nice” to us — I learned something else:

If you speak, someone gets hurt.

If you stay quiet, you survive.

That’s survival math.

As I grew older, the tactics changed. The environment shifted. Different states. Different houses. Different men. Same pattern: boundary testing, grooming through familiarity, access through convenience.

A short drive across town became a lesson in how quickly someone can move a hand and call it affection. And how fast your brain can calculate whether jumping from a moving vehicle is safer than confrontation.

I didn’t tell.

Because history had already taught me who gets protected.

So I fought instead.

I fought boys who stared.

I fought authority.

I fought expectations about how a “young lady” should dress or behave.

I fought anyone who tried to shrink me.

They called it behavioral issues.

It was boundary defense without language.

Here’s what I learned:

Children always know when something is wrong — even if they cannot articulate it.

When their “no” is overridden repeatedly, they don’t lose morality.

They lose trust.

And when adults label the child as defiant instead of asking why the child is in fight mode, the system protects itself instead of the vulnerable.

The real damage wasn’t only the violations.

It was the silence.

The minimization.

The adults defending adults.

The child being framed as the problem.

I have and always will be a fighter.

That wasn’t pathology.

That was preservation.

And here is what I stand on now:

Family titles mean nothing without integrity.

Silence protects predators.

And a “difficult child” is often a betrayed one.

This isn’t written for shock.

It’s written so the next adult who sees a volatile, angry, “too much” little girl pauses and asks a different question:

What happened to her?

Instead of:

What’s wrong with her?

Vulnerability Is Structural, Not Stylistic

Children are inherently vulnerable.

They do not control who enters their homes.

They do not choose which adults are trusted.

They do not set the supervision rules.

They do not have the authority to override a grown person.

That responsibility belongs to adults.

When we talk about protection, we have to stop focusing on optics and start focusing on structure.

A dress is not dangerous.

An unsupervised adult with access is.

For me, dresses felt unsafe long before I could articulate why. I fought them. I resisted them. I refused to wear them. Adults saw defiance. They saw stubbornness. They saw a tomboy phase.

What they didn’t see was a nervous system that had already learned that certain clothing made me feel exposed in environments that were not consistently safe.

The issue was never fabric.

It was access without accountability.

When children are taught to hug on command, sit on laps to be polite, tolerate tickling they don’t like, or stay quiet when uncomfortable — that is structural vulnerability.

When adults prioritize appearance, manners, or tradition over a child’s bodily cues — that is structural vulnerability.

When a child cannot leave a room, cannot say no without consequence, and cannot communicate what is happening — that is structural vulnerability.

Protection is not about controlling a child’s wardrobe.

Protection is about:

• Eliminating unnecessary isolation.

• Respecting a child’s “no” immediately.

• Refusing forced affection.

• Supervising access.

• Listening when a child’s body language shifts.

• Believing discomfort before demanding politeness.

A safe home makes clothing neutral.

An unsafe home turns anything into opportunity.

Children should not have to armor themselves.

If a child suddenly resists certain clothing, certain rooms, certain people, or certain “games,” the question is not:

Why are you being difficult?

The question is:

What is your body trying to tell us?

Vulnerability is not created by style.

It is created — or reduced — by structure.

And structure is adult responsibility.