Motorcycles Don’t Have Reverse

Written 2.11.26, before writing Winging.

I’ve undoubtedly, willingly stepped into my Villain Era, simultaneously embodying and embracing my dark feminine side (see definitions below). All in one go. I realized the last post I made about the pot on the back burner was rapidly boiling. Well, that pot has been simmering slowly, burning more like an acid than boiling water. Since my second-to-last post, I’ve been dealt a massive life blow that even a decade ago, or even half a decade ago, would have undoubtedly taken me down at the knees, dropping to all fours, wailing, screaming, and writhing in pain. Not this time. Regardless of the blow from the most unexpected source. Well, at least I thought so. Truth be told, I knew the whole time. Nonetheless.

The truth is, I’m struggling immensely. Vulnerability has always been my greatest adversary. For various reasons, not what most people would expect. For me, it reveals the immense depth of my heart, regardless of the masks and rigid armor I’ve meticulously constructed over my lifetime. By sharing my story to help others through my life experiences, I open myself up to others knowing my weaknesses, the profound love and care I have for those in my life, and the fact that I’ve forgiven the unforgivable. Some perceive this as an opportunity to hurt, manipulate, and do much more, because I’d forgive them anyway, love them anyway, even while I was on the cross for their sins. I forgave them even as they lied, trashed my name, alienated my friends and family. As the collateral damage for the people I loved most while they battled their own demons, I understand that cause and effect are at play. I’m not innocent; others became collateral damage as I fought mine. It’s simply how things unfold. I’ve found that forgiving others is easier than forgiving oneself. I also know that while you can forgive everyone, you can’t move forward and find peace if you don’t forgive yourself as well. I forgive because I understand people; I see beyond the surface. I don’t think I’m high and mighty or a know-it-all. I’m very humble and recognize that there’s always more to learn.

*Sighs, I’m currently walking a fine line. I’ve been cautious about my steps, words, and avoided certain periods and topics in my life, especially writing, because I go hollow bone. It flows effortlessly, but I sometimes fear what I might say, considering the people involved, regardless of their actions or whether I have a right to speak.

For years, I’ve maintained a delicate balance due to legal constraints. However, today, my team continues to step forward, being vulnerable and sharing intimate details about their families and friends. While I argue with my VP about posting certain blogs or completing ones I’ve written because I know the subjects are difficult for others to comprehend, especially those who haven’t experienced what I’ve been through. The implications for my children are the most significant. Not because I’m afraid of what people think of me, but because family is supposed to keep secrets hidden, right? Family shouldn’t air its dirty laundry, right?

On the flip side, I’ve witnessed the consequences of not taking responsibility and facing the demons under the rug. I’ve seen the effects of this in my lineage and in everyone I’ve been close to in various ways.

The path I’ve chosen, and the one I walk with my team, has reached a breaking point. I can no longer suppress my truth. It’s detrimental to me, my team, and others if I withhold information. I must confront the truth, regardless of the consequences. Knowing that every word I type fuels the fire that ignites my bloodline into a rage. I’m okay with it burning. I’ve faced threats of lawsuits, violence, and harm. For years, I lived in fear, but that changed a few years ago. Despite these threats, I continued walking the line due to my immediate family and specific laws. However, as I grew, healed, and gained confidence, that changed. Being sued is a shrug, and I’m prepared to face it. Jail time is acceptable to me. Being killed for my truth is worth every minute because I’m not concerned about my judgment. I own my faults, mistakes, sins, and the actions I took to survive. I’ll be okay going home. I’ve had to accept this because getting on a motorcycle and riding 50 states, discussing these subjects, and considering the past threats means I have to weigh all the risks involved. I’m okay with taking this risk, among others. If I can save one life by telling my truth, then so be it.

I feel no shame for the life I’ve lived, survived, and risen from.

As I sit here, unable to do much, recovering from surgery that I would never have had to undergo if it weren’t for the countless blows to my face and head by others until the age of 24, but my posture has improved, and my voice is being reclaimed. I’ve been forced to watch and observe until all the dominoes fall, revealing years of truth that I would have handled so differently years ago. Knowing that I can’t pack my things because I can’t lift anything, I’m stuck in contract negotiations behind closed doors, a refusing of a wanted signature, and bowing out because it’s the only way to go. While saying love me free or pay their fees. Respecting the counter moves with tender “fuck yous.” Pain has become the name of my life, teaching me to be the ultimate poker player. After all, I come from a lineage of river rat casino employees, where cards are dealt, good ones and bad ones, and luck is NOT on the table; only how you play your hand. I’ve proven that I can walk the roads of hell and make it out. The key to that is to keep your sins and lessons as armor, keeping you under the radar in hell’s fire as one of the demons while shielding your heart of gold, love, and good intentions simultaneously. Cloaking. This has been my life’s survival coding and pattern until I stepped out of hell, but I can still maneuver it. I have the skill sets, part of my initiation into life’s education. I don’t care about judgment from others or the shit they talk behind my back. I own my mistakes with pride because I learned from them. I forgive others and myself so I can move on, so someday I can achieve peace and be settled, peaceful, graceful, and full of wisdom for my grandchildren who are yet to come. Souls I can feel close to departing home to come to earth to bless my children’s lives, my own, and the abundance of grandparents and great-grandparents they will have. To make that happen, things have to be let go of, forgiveness has to happen. There’s no other way but through. Which brings this to a full circle. The question asked a couple of weeks ago was, “Have you ever thought you chose a motorcycle after all these years of planning is because they don’t have reverse?”

Another pause followed, followed by a deep understanding and a nod of knowing that there’s no other way but through. No matter what challenges come my way before the start line, all the dominos falling so I can turn to my poker table and go all in. I am going. For me, for you, and for all the others who haven’t found their voices.

In this transaction of love and words below, I am blessed to have such an amazing warrior woman in my life. I could never express the gratitude I have for each and every one of you and all the tough love because you know how I do. Thank you for seeing through my armor, helping me battle the demons, and knowing my heart. I have all of you. *Tips hat with a half-caked smile.

Alice: “I miss you too! I’ve been going through some stuff, but I’m not drowning yet.”

Alices Big Sis from another Miss: “Good! Let go of the anchors, and if you need a motorboat, call me! 🤙”

P.S. Google search on the meaning of “villain era” or “dark feminine.”

Stepping into a “villain era” and “dark feminine” energy means abandoning people-pleasing habits to prioritize self-care, set firm boundaries, and embrace unapologetic confidence. This often involves defying societal expectations of being “nice” or submissive. It signifies reclaiming personal power, owning one’s anger, and focusing on self-interest, acting as a “protector” of one’s own peace.

• Villain Era: This trend (popularized on TikTok) isn’t about being evil, but about acting like the “villain” in others’ stories by stopping people-pleasing, setting boundaries, and saying “no” without guilt. It’s a form of radical self-love and asserting, “I am choosing my peace over your opinion.”

• Dark Feminine Energy embodies the reclaiming of suppressed feminine traits like wildness, untamedness, and power. It diverges from the “good girl” stereotype, embracing mystery, seduction, fearlessness, and channeling anger for self-defense or goal achievement.

• Combined, these terms signify a transformative phase centered on self-actualization. During this period, individuals cease sacrificing their needs for others and take control of their narrative, often adopting a more assertive and confident persona.