It’s a ShitShow

There is so much going on with family right now, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  At this point, I don’t really want to get started on it, because, what the fuck?  I really just want to pack up and leave now.  Disappear from my life.  Now I know I really can’t do that, but it sure sounds good right about now.

So, what do I talk about today?  I don’t have a lot of healing or growing to share.  I’m kind of stuck in this place of inertia dealing with my own physical recovery, wanting to just move on with my life, but struggling to handle what’s currently going on.  Just to give you some context, here is a recap. In addition to my son dying a year ago and coming up on his birthday and moving my husband to Memory Care lately, another son just had rotator cuff surgery after hitting a deer on his motorcycle last summer, out of work with no pay, wondering if they will let him come back.  A few weeks ago my only grandson tore his meniscus in his knee, is out of work with no pay, possible surgery with no insurance.  This morning I got a call from the other son who was in the emergency room in northern Minnesota after a fall last night with no coat, phone, wallet, etc.  My mom is going to pick him up.  My husband just called from Memory Care worried about when he’s going to see me.  I assured him I would be there in a couple hours.

Okay.  So, all this weighs heavily on me and I’m not sure what to do with it.  Life happens and you deal with it.  But the weight of the my responsibility to those I love is overwhelming at best.  Being a mom is a hard job.  It doesn’t end when they’re 18, it goes on forever.  You got to let them live their lives, make their choices. I’m not raising them anymore.  I guess I’m grateful that the bonds we have today run deep and they know I’m in their corner.  I’m just not too sure I actually have the capacity to handle their crisis’s anymore.

Rereading what I just wrote and it seems to me like I’m dangerously near a pity party and it’s all about me.  I don’t like being in this spot.  It’s not my  way.  But, here I am.  I am worn out emotionally and looking to find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I know I will eventually, I can’t sit here in this mess too long.  The choice to check out just isn’t what I can do, as much as I want to right now.  Something inside of me says I just gotta keep going.  So I do.

So, no great words of wisdom today from this corner. Just a snapshot behind the scenes of the life I chose. The warring factions in my soul are wearing thin.  I’m so excited about the next part of my life’s journey with Alice and fulfilling my greatest dreams while still dealing with the emotional fallout of what’s currently going on in my life.  It all feels a bit too much.  Fortunately life experiences have taught me that life goes on and nothing stays the same.  I know I will find my way through this.  I’m not really ready to sit down and die yet, so I won’t.

Tomorrow will be a better day.  I’m counting on it.

Love and Peace,

Chick