About That Roller Coaster

I think that everyone on the team has written about the challenges of actually making changes in your life as they move through healing and growth.  Growth and change often comes with costs as you make your choices to move forward.  Those costs are often hidden among the depths of my mind and soul.  As I navigate my path, I find that every time I make some positive steps, life inserts itself and challenges me to keep moving.

1. Sometimes it’s a result of something someone close to me said or did that I have to pause and deal with.

2. Often it’s events outside my control.

3. Sure enough, sometimes it comes from the other part of my mind that is hell-bent on doing exactly whatever trips my trigger.

Over time with the support of others and growth on my part, I can mostly handle Numbers 1 and 2 by just pausing and reflecting on the circumstances then determine what, if any, impact it has on who I am or what I’m doing.  Once I figure that out I can usually come up with a new map for my journey and keep moving forward.

However, the crux of the issue in Number 3 is just Me.  Stepping forward costs me in giving up some of my comfort crutches, that I quite frankly have enjoyed for more years than I care to admit, that allow me to escape or cruise through pain and grief.  Thus, the roller coaster I have found myself on.  It’s a very emotional roller coaster brought on solely by me.  For the last week or so I have been making some good progress on taking the steps to get into action and feeling really good about the progress I’ve been making.  On the other hand, life events have interfered with my allotted time to exercise in the pool and my body is feeling the pain and my heart is feeling the guilt of not getting to it. Then there’s the feelings that are surfacing as I continue to participate in my current life while moving forward with the next part of my life.

Two days ago, I just dropped out for the day.  I went with Alice to get our energy drinks (still in my jammies) then came home and did absolutely nothing for the rest of day.  I spent the day by myself, in my garage indulging in all my comfort vices:  smoking some weed and a whole bunch of cigarettes, drinking Diet Coke instead of water, not reaching out to anybody, playing my game, snacking instead of fixing a meal.  I think that was pretty much it.  That roller coaster was headed down.  I wasn’t depressed or anxious.  I was just content to sit in my comfy place and ignore everything else.  I still felt upbeat, just couldn’t summon the energy to do anything constructive.  Of course, after doing that all day, I started scolding myself and promised I would do better the next day. The guilt was setting in a bit.

Yesterday morning Alice and I enjoyed our energy drinks and sandwiches while we talked about everything under the sun.  Our conversation inevitably coursed into the bike ride and some of the thoughts we had about the 50-state ride and what we are doing to get everything lined up to make the trip safely and move forward the mission of Clearview Works.  When Alice asked how I was feeling about our plans my response was that I was ecstatic.  I feel the same kind of excitement about chasing my dreams as I did when I was in my early 20’s.  As I talked about in a post a few weeks ago, once I made the choice in my heart that I was really committed to selling my home and doing the 50-state ride no matter what, I made a plan to get me moving so I could actually physically do the ride, not just talk about it.  I have been feeling really solid and good about my choice and excited for what’s to come.  After I dropped Alice off I had a few hours to kill before going to see my husband for the evening so I came home and basked in the glow of my excitement.  In the short distance between our houses I thought about what I could get done in those few hours.  By the time I parked the truck in the garage and greeted Mr. Jones and sat down I dropped out again for a couple hours until I got showered and dressed and set off to see my husband.  Another change in elevation on the roller coaster.

My husband really wanted to get out of the Memory Care and do something normal.  So we went to dinner and a movie and really had a nice time.  Even though we were out late during the time he is usually sundowning he did great and accepted me dropping him back off as a part of normal.  No arguing about why he had to go back there and not go home with me. Probably the absolutely best time we’ve spent together since I moved him into Memory Care.  I came home and again basked in the feelings, this time reflecting on the nice time we had and how it felt so much like it used to be B.A. (Before Alzheimer’s).  Then another steep downward curve on that damn roller coaster as I reflected on the life I no longer have.  A deep sadness is all I can say.

Today we had a team meeting for Clearview Works and I got a couple small tasks for “Chick and Alice” done.  Another upward roll on that roller coaster.

I think you get the drift.  Our choice to grow and move forward is not just cruising down the road.  Life is always filled with challenges to that Nirvana that we seem to expect will happen someday.  Well I’m pretty sure that Nirvana doesn’t exist so I’ll work with what I got.  It’s kind of like traveling that Yellow Brick Road trying to find your way home.  That’s the picture I got in my mind anyway.  Both obstacles and help along the way.  Tonight as I was thinking about what I would write an interesting thought came to mind.  Earlier I likened the excitement about my next life’s journey to how I felt about life back in my twenties.  One big difference for me:  Back then I was trying to become the person that could have a successful career, relationships and raise my boys.  Now I am hitting the road as I am.  It’s like I’ve been preparing for this all my life.  Now I just get to go.  I will always continue to try to be a better person for myself and the people I am with.  But, I don’t have to make myself into someone else to do this.  I come as I am.

But, one more word about that Roller Coaster.  I think it’s slowing down.  It’s time to get out and walk forward again.  I’ve never really liked roller coasters anyway.  I rode them back in the day with the kids and grandkids, but don’t need to do that anymore either.

Love and Peace,

Chick