Masks

Photo credit: Wix

We all wear masks. Sometimes it's to fit in. Sometimes it's to disarm cranky customers. Sometimes it's to protect ourselves. Anyone who has worked in a public facing job knows very well the 'customer service mask'. The bright smiles, and inoffensive language, even the posture can be softened all in order to prevent the random asshole customer who is ready to explode from going off on you. You act differently with your work buddies than from your best friends than from the various groups of your families. It's all in the name of harm reduction. The real me can't be hurt if I use a mask.

While masks can be unintentionally constructed coping mechanisms that help you survive in this crazy world, some masks can transform. Some serve as a warning. My mask that I wear with my parents is a boundary. I will be civil as long as you are civil says that mask. My mask I wear at the library is a lot more outgoing and friendly than I actually am. That mask has practiced genuine welcoming and desire to help that makes my patrons happy and more likely to come back. My mask with my in-laws is careful and quiet, strictly disciplined and able to hide all the eye rolls and disgust at their behavior.

Masks aren't in themselves negative. Wearing a mask isn't you being fake. It's simply showing a different side of you. This is the you that works at your job. It's job is to help you follow the rules and maintain a stable work environment. This is the you that loosens up and relaxes a bit with your friends. It's job is to lower your stress levels as you enjoy their company. This is the you that holds your tongue with your in-laws so your spouse doesn't get disowned. Each mask has a job.

When you start learning about Autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergent ways the brain works, you hear a lot about unmasking. In this case, the mask has covered up too much, suppressed too many attributes that make you you. Neurodivergent people learn pretty quickly that fidgeting and avoiding eye contact often results in negative encounters with people who are more neurotypical. These masks are built to make you mirror neurotypical behavior, but to do so imperfectly. Like a Ditto in Pokémon, you're still just a little bit off. (for those who are not steeped in the world of Pokémon, a Ditto is a blob looking creature that can copy the appearance of the creature it's fighting, but does so imperfectly, so you can still tell which is which.)

Neurodivergent unmasking is realizing that you can share a bit more of yourself with the world. That you can take up space. It's the knowledge that fidgeting can help you focus and eye contact can make you lose focus (not to mention that eye contact can be a trauma trigger due to being forced to make eye contact on a regular basis, usually as a child) Unmasking is taking a risk. It's hoping that the person in front of you is someone who appreciates an unplanned lecture about your latest hyper fixation or who doesn't mind that in order to complete a task you have to have the ability to move your body, even if it's a task that calls for sitting quietly in a chair. Unmasking is a demonstration in trust. It means I can be a little more myself with you.

Unmasking is acceptance. Neurodivergent or otherwise, unmasking is accepting yourself and being willing to let yourself shine, no matter how subtly. Unmasking takes courage. It's a risk to be yourself, especially with people who have hurt you. Some masks refuse to come off. That one is still doing its job. It's saying the risk here is too big. Or is it? What would happen if you let that mask slip? Isn't it tiring to hide?

However you live with your masks is up to you. Let them go and be who you want to be, or keep them close so you can't be touched. It's all, ultimately, you.