Back to Reality

I’m now on my way home from Florida.  It was a good getaway.  Time on the beach, just out in the warm weather and several dinners with friends.  Just what the doctor ordered (Dr. Chick) to help me relax a bit and let the world slide for a while.  I had moments of joy, moments of peace and time to share memories and cry.  I even started eating again, walking more and my hip is more stable than it was when I got here.  Regular exercise is definitely on the agenda when I get home.  Summer will be here soon and we have lots of riding and work to do as we get ready to leave next year.  I also need to get strong enough to prove to myself and others that I can still ride on 2 wheels.  That alone is enough to motivate me.  I’ve been dreaming of doing this type of riding for over 40 years.  This is not the time to give up and ride on 3 wheels.

Now as I’m heading back, I am starting to think about all that has to be done when I get home.  Too much to tackle all at once, so I gotta spend some time prioritizing.  Otherwise it is too overwhelming.  I’m feeling a little bit better about dealing with my life now, but I need to be smart about it, otherwise I’ll be climbing back on that plane to escape again.  It’s ok to escape once in a while, but I still have responsibilities that need to be met.  It’s tempting to just blow it all off and escape for good.  Although my over-developed sense of responsibility has slipped quite a bit lately, there is still something inside of me that says…You still need to sleep at night with whatever you do or don’t do in your life and giving up, throwing it all away just doesn’t work with who I’ve become over the years.  My accountability and integrity matter to me and how I operate my life.  So I’m buckling up, got my big girl panties on and will do my best when I get home.  Stay tuned and we’ll see how I do.

Ok.  I finally made it home.  It wasn’t easy, but I made it.  3 1/2 hours after my plane landed.  The airport was a zoo.  When I got to the car dealer the paperwork wasn’t ready and my keys were locked in a drawer somewhere, service had gone home for the night and they couldn’t access them.  Although I feel better equipped to deal with my life after my vacation, apparently I’m still not putting up with any bullshit and I “very firmly” told them I wasn’t leaving without my truck.  They said I could come back in the morning.  No Fucking Way. They tried to tell me they couldn’t get to my truck.  I told them it’s in the parking lot and I’m going after my extra keys and driving it home tonight. So, Alice to the rescue.  We met up halfway since it was still a long way home and she brought me my extra set of keys.  I drove the truck off the lot, picked up Mr. Jones and came home.  I’ll deal with them later (lucky them).  I may have calmed down a bit by then.  I gotta say though, it felt good being back in my driver’s seat, radio turned up and belting out “Take it on the Run” and “Crazy Train” and smoking a cigarette while hitting the freeway and pushing the speed limit home.  Glad to know I still got some crazy in me and eventually I’ll be able to find the rest of it.

The thing about grieving.  Others only see the outside and sometimes it looks great…”she’s handling it well,” sometimes not so great, the grief is obvious in my eyes.  Sometimes it looks like I’m not even grieving…”doesn’t she even care?”  Inside is a fucking roller coaster.  Picture ten of the biggest roller coasters you’ve ever seen, hooked up together in a very complex puzzle each running their own roller coaster cars.  Oops, sometimes they collide…Houston we have a problem. That is my inside.  Sometimes I can coast and enjoy the ride, other times I go crazy screaming upside down in the corner or crest a hill and plummet to certain death.  That pretty much covers it.  All you can do is hold on for dear life and pray.  What the fuck am I doing and why the fuck did I choose to do it?  Will I make it without losing my mind?  Will I physically survive?  I really don’t want to go through this.  But just like that real roller coaster I can do nothing but go through with it until the roller coaster stops and I can climb off, if I can.  Grief is hard to talk about and nobody wants to go through it.  But, loss is a part of life and I’m still living my life, so I will hang on tight and cope with it. I’m not willing to jump off and call it quits.  I sure am learning a lot about myself during these past months.  Healing and growing through this is the silver lining in the cloud. My grief will always be there, but I really believe that active healing and growing will place a loving band around it and keep it close to my heart so I can get off a few of those roller coasters, find some peace and go on with my life, wherever it takes me.

So, now I’m home with Mr. Jones sleeping beside me and lo and behold!  As I wrote this one of the roller coasters must have stopped briefly…I’m actually enjoying a moment of peace at home.  I am grateful for that and am going to just sit here, have a few smokes and enjoy it as long as it lasts.  I’m sure that roller coaster is going to be coming back around for me, but that’s ok, that’s life and I’m still living it.

Love and Peace,

Chick