Immortality

Today, I’m chief chauffeur and moral support for Alice.  She’s not supposed to drive yet, but is finally feeling up to getting some things done for herself.  It gives me great pleasure to be able to do this for her.  It’s called being of service.  Right now, I’m sitting in my truck listening to my music while waiting for her.  The song Immortality sung by the Bee Gees and Celine Dion was playing.  It is a beautiful rendition of the song and I’ve always enjoyed the music.  So, I looked up the lyrics to see what they were all about.

So this is I who am

And this is all I know

And I must choose to live

For all that I can give

The spark that makes the power grow

And I will stand for my dream if I can

Symbol of my faith in who I am

But you are my only

And I must follow on the road that lies ahead

And I won’t let my heart control my head

But you are my only

And we don’t say goodbye…

The preface to the thoughts that came up this afternoon calls for a little explanation.  If you’re a regular reader of my posts, you may have heard part of this story before.  But for context, I am including it here again.

A year and a half ago, my husband and I went to Crazy Horse in the Black Hills with some friends on our 35th wedding anniversary.  At the time, I knew he had Alzheimer’s, but he wasn’t aware.  Traveling away from home was already getting challenging for my husband and I was pretty sure it would be our last trip together.  I wanted to make it a special memory for both of us.  My brother and his wife said they would like to go and two other close friends went with us.  Having previously contacted the Crazy Horse Foundation they were aware of my desire to have us renew our vows.  My husband has always felt a special affinity with Crazy Horse and really wanted to go again.  Long story short, employees of the Crazy Horse Foundation went out of their way to give us a wonderful experience.  My husband and I had paid the Foundation Support fee for a trip up to the top of the mountain several times in the past and I had arranged for the six of us to go to up where you can walk right under Crazy Horse’s face.  My husband said every time as he looked up at the massive nose above our heads “I can see what he’s thinking.”  Anyway, they gave us an hour at the top with no other people there besides our tour guide.  We had our private moment and talked about the love we shared in the 35 years (and before) we had been married.  Earlier that week as I sat alone on the deck looking at the mountains near where we were staying I had thought about what I would say to him.  The thought that occurred to me at that time, knowing he was in his “end of life” journey was that his spirit will still be with me as I finished my journey.  I will always love him and carry him with me.  Then the thought also occurred to me that if his spirit will be with me even after he’s physically gone, it makes sense to me that our spirits could still be together after I’m physically gone.  I honestly don’t think I could coherently explain what my overall spiritual beliefs are as they relate to  Life after Death.  They are still coming together in my mind and soul on this part of my spiritual journey so when I figure that out, I’ll have to tell you all about it.  But, at that moment on top of the mountain, I told him our soul connection was so deep, I believe it is eternal.  I really don’t know what that means, but it was a soul promise we made on that mountain.  And, it filled both our hearts with love and peace knowing that.  I am very grateful also that even a year and a half later my husband (who doesn’t remember many events in the last few years) still remembers that experience and we can share a moment.  Maybe that’s what it’s all about…not so much what happens after we die, but how we cope with our life here on Earth knowing what the end means.  I guess that short story got a little long, but the words kind of just poured out of me, so there you have it.

Given all this, the words of this song really spoke to me.  Although it seems like I’m just moving on from my life with my husband to my next journey on the road, it’s more than that.  The lyrics to the song that I inserted above say it all for me.  Take a moment to re-read them and think about what they mean or even watch the live video of their performance.  To me it says that I know who I am and what I need to do.  And, whether he is still physically here or gone, he is my only…and we don’t say goodbye.  That refrain along with their rendition of it (absolutely stunning, in my book) are repeating themselves over and over again ever since that moment.  I’m enjoying it and it brings me peace.  As I finish this post, I am listening to it again.  Very powerful song for me.

Once again it seems that when I show up for someone else, good things come of it.  Of course I enjoyed having a captive audience driving around in my truck and I cherish the times we have to talk.  But, it never fails that if I’m open to it, there is always an opportunity to take in what’s happening around me, what’s being said or not and utilize it for healing, growing and once in awhile experiencing the joy and peace in my soul.  That was my experience today and I’m still floating on that magic carpet of love that I feel for my husband that’s often hiding somewhere, sometimes as we cope with walking through this awful disease.  It’s nice to remember and bask in it for awhile.

Funny, how I just heard similar words last night at an AA speaker meeting.  The speaker talked about just showing up and being of service to others and how it brings even more back to us, if we look for it.  You never know what happens when you just show up.  It can make a difference in more than one life.  I’m so glad I’m in a place where I can start showing up for other people.  I’ve needed so much help the past few years that it feels really good to be able to start giving back.  That’s also how I feel about doing the 50-state ride with Alice.  Besides the fact that I’m going to be riding, this is also a way to give back or pay forward, in gratitude for the life I found as a result of the healing and spiritual growth I’ve had over the years.  I am compelled to share.

Thanks for letting me share it with you.

Love and Peace,

Chick

P.S.  I found that this “Changing the Way I Play the Game” is actually more thrilling than it used to be to play the game.  It is so fun to beat them at their own game.  Even if it takes playing the game over and over again until I can figure out how to win it.  If I don’t win it the first time, I lose the prizes.  But since I’m not playing for them anymore, they don’t matter.  I’m good enough I do win some prizes and that keeps me happy.  But, man, even when I spend 45 minutes on the same game before I win it is so much more satisfying.  I think that could teach me something about life.  But not tonight.  Maybe later I’ll think about it.