Changing the Way You Play the Game

In my last blog, I talked about how I reached a turning point in my emotional and physical recovery where it was time to stop sitting around healing and step up and be accountable for taking the actions necessary to actually get strong enough and able to go on the 50-state ride with Alice.  If I continue as I am right now, I’d be lucky to still be riding a motorcycle, let alone going on the ride with Alice.  I had to decide for myself whether to stay in my comfy place or get on with life…it’s my choice.  I’ve still got too much to do to give up just yet.  But, that means making some tough changes in my life.  Some of the changes (quitting smoking, eating better) could have been done many years ago but I didn’t choose to then.  Lately my attitude had been, hell I’ve made it this long, why torture myself now.  I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing as long as I’m enjoying it.  Well, guess what?  It’s all caught up to me now and if I’m truly going to live what time I have left to the fullest and follow my dreams some things have to change.  No more coasting.

I wrote down the major categories that had to be taken care of and started working through what that would look like the next day.  Over the next few days I took care of some paperwork and housework I had been letting slide and I went to the pool to exercise besides visiting my husband and helping out my stepson and Alice.  I spent a few less hours smoking in the garage.  It may not seem like much, feels like baby steps to me.  But, the biggest thing was to get started. There is also a considerable difference in the way I’m approaching the day.  My motivation has changed.  It still takes some pushing myself to actually do some of these things.  I just keep reminding myself of the alternative.  In a sense, it’s kind of a do or die thing.  I know I’ll die at some point (not too concerned with when) but I can’t go without having given my best effort to do the 50-state ride.  I’m doing this for myself as much as others.

My list of changes included eliminating a few habits I had acquired that were costing me more money than my frivolous budget item could handle.  One of them was to quit buying tokens for my game on my iPad.  Because I had spent so much time sitting around in the last year, I had taken to buying tokens to help me win easier and earn more rewards.  You know how that goes…

The other evening as I was playing my game, I decided I would use up what I had and wouldn’t buy anymore.  Then I came to a roadblock - Me.  This particular game is much more challenging than some of the others I play (and don’t pay for).  However, over time I’ve been able to recognize patterns and have gotten pretty good at playing this one and thoroughly enjoy the mental challenge.  Over time though, my competitive nature and desire to be number one in the games seduced me into buying tokens to be able to keep playing. The game is designed to give you one or two moves short of a win many times, making it easy to see how getting more moves will win the game.  In addition there are constant “deals” popping up with opportunities to buy.  The entire game is about getting you to buy.  I’m not stupid, I know this, but it’s easy to talk yourself into more.  And, I like winning.  Lately, though I’ve been choosing not to win for prizes but win for the win.  Sometimes, I’ll get obstinate and replay a game for as long as it takes without buying extra moves, just to prove a point.  Childish, I know but it gives me great pleasure.

Back to the roadblock.  I could give up not buying extra move tokens, but the games are very frustrating to ever win without my favorite boosters.  So, I got to thinking.  Again, baby steps.  The extra move tokens are the most expensive so that will eliminate close to 75% of what I’ve been spending.  The boosters are what makes the game fun and they are on a timer.  With reducing the time I spend playing the game, it becomes a more budget-friendly pastime.  Sound like a rationalization?  Yep.  A damn good one, if I do say so myself.  Certainly one I can live with for now.

As I continued to play, I stayed strict on not buying extra move tokens.  I just kept replaying until I won and could move one.  After awhile I noticed that I was getting really excited (woke up the cat more than once) when I did win a game.  I realized that I was truly winning the game now.  I’m actually beating them at their own game because I’m not buying the tokens.  I really enjoy the game and winning without buying tokens actually feels astounding compared to winning bonuses.  Of course, I don’t play without thinking about other things, so I started thinking about how changing the way I play my game and finding it more rewarding is really a picture into how changing the way I do my life often brings rewards far greater than the easy pickings.  I’ve experienced this at other times in my life through my healing journey and there’s no reason to expect anything different now.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not talking about material rewards.  I’m talking about feeling good about who I am, what I’m doing with my life, and the fulfilling feelings I get when helping others.  I’m changing the way I play the game of life, no longer chasing security, but chasing my dreams.  My choice, my responsibility.

Love and Peace,

Chick