One Last Day

Was yesterday.  Today something changed.

Let me back up and give you some context before I tell you what happened.

If you are a regular reader of Chick and Alice blog posts you know all about the healing and growing the entire team has been going through as we navigate our lives and prepare for the 50-state ride for Clearview Works.  If not, you can catch up reading our earlier blogs on the website or listen on Spotify.

However, today I’m not here to talk about my journey in healing and growing as I walked through my version of hell.  Now it’s about the transition to the future.

As I mentioned in my last post, my plan for joining Alice on the 50-state ride involves selling off off my house, securing my husband’s financial future and getting rid of most of my possessions.  I can’t see the sense in paying that money on an empty house.  I’m pretty certain I can find a more constructive use for that money on the road.  And, who knows where I could end up after traveling the entire country.  Anything can happen and I’m just open to whatever comes next.

As I’ve been dealing with my life challenges, I have spent more hours than I will ever admit to sitting outside or in our garage smoking and playing my favorite game on my iPad. It is so challenging and fun that it keeps my mind’s noise occupied, thus allowing me to escape that bullshit for awhile.  Between my husband’s decline and my own back and hip chronic pain and surgeries, we didn’t get out too much, so lots of time to fill at home.  And the reason I’m never in the house is because I can just pick up a pipe or a cigarette anytime I want.

By the time I came home from Cancun the first of November I was healing quite well from my surgery and able to get rid of my crutches and learn how to walk again.  I’ve been making amazing progress ever since then, just from my life’s activities even though I haven’t been doing any of my exercises.  The pain doesn’t faze me too much during the day, depending on my level of activity.  Usually by evening, I need some level of pain control.  So, I sit in my garage, play my game and smoke…till late at night.  Ok, not so smart, especially at my age and with what I say I want to do in the next few years.  If I’m hitting the road with Alice, I need to get a lot healthier and stronger to handle my bike and being on the road day after day.  So, with all this time smoking and sitting around two things started happening.  First of all the smoker’s cough I’ve been sporting for awhile has gotten significantly worse.  I practically cough up a lung when I hit the weed.  In the morning I’m extremely congested and work on coughing up the other lung.  I’ve also noticed the effects on my breathing.  Second of all, I am starting to experience an increase in back pain from sitting so much.

I will say this about the fact that the game quiets my mind, it frees up the rest of my mind to be able to process whatever is going on.  So, night after night and every morning I’ve been telling myself, you have got to quit doing this.  And every time I have an excuse to procrastinate just a little bit longer.  Well, that finally came to a head this week.  As near as I can tell, the important events leading up to this were:

I’ve been ignoring the bills that aren’t autopay all month in addition to just about anything else that should be done that I can get away with.

Although I’m planning on selling the house before we go, a friend mentioned last Sunday that her sister is interested in my place for next spring.  I said sure, I can sell anytime.

Same friend has always loved my dishes and said she wanted them if I ever got rid of them. After thinking about the fact that I could be selling my house earlier than expected made me realize I can also start getting rid of things I won’t be keeping.  So I texted her and told her she could come and get them now.  I don’t cook for anyone anymore and usually just use paper plates if I need one.

So, I was sitting here playing my game, smoking and thinking about the fact that it’s really happening, I’m preparing for the road.  A bit later as I took a hit and started coughing the same old thought came into my head….you’ve got to quit doing this if you want to live very long and get strong enough to actually hit the road. Then I thought about what it would take to quit smoking, exercise, eat better, etc., etc.  It didn’t sound appealing at all.  So, I started trying to find a way out.  Then I had another thought…it’s time to make a decision…shit or get off the pot; fish or cut bait…. You (Chick) can sit here in the comfy space you created in your current life, keep smoking and doing as little as possible and probably die within a few years or you go ahead and put all that physical and spiritual healing to good use on this mission with Alice. But first you gotta be accountable and decide how you want to live out your life.  Ugh.  Man.  I gotta sleep on that one.  I have plenty of reasons to justify not really facing up to life anymore.  On the other hand, I have even more reasons to pursue my dreams.  But, that’s a lotta work and I don’t know if I’m up to the task. Let me sleep on it and I’ll let you know.

The following night while doing my usual chilling, I realized I had already come to the conclusion that I couldn’t bring myself to take the easy way out.  I realized this as I was already thinking about what it would take to move forward.  I’ve tried to change bad habits many different ways before with varying degrees of success.  The one thing I do know for sure is that it starts with a commitment that is personal to your heart.  I got that and now it’s time .  A plan would probably be good, since I don’t usually have a plan, just rush headlong into it.  But, I also know myself well enough that that plan needs a lot of flexibility to work for me.  I also know I need to write enough down so I can remember the plan.

I got out my little notebook and decided I would write it up like a project plan and see if I could figure it out.  I started with my objective and went on to write my goals.  I looked at it and thought…do I have this named right? Are these goals, objectives, scope???  Oh, fuck it.  It’s been too long, I can’t remember.  So, I wrote it up like this.

I choose to:

Move forward with my life with Chick and Alice vs. staying in my comfy life and quietly die in a few years.

Things I need to do:

Quit smoking cigarettes

Cut down weed smoking

Work out on a regular basis

Start taking my supplements again

Quit paying for game tokens

Phase out Caribou

Figure out finances and secure my husband’s financial future

Get a storage unit and start downsizing

Get active in A.B.A.T.E.

Attend Alzheimer’s Caregiver’s Support Group

Schedule visits with my husband every 1-3 days, maybe coinciding with working out.

Stay current with finances, other paperwork and household responsibilities

Limit time spent sitting around

I’m sure there is more to add to that list, but it’s certainly enough to get started.  For now, it helps me to focus my energy on what’s important to me.

One last day was yesterday…One last day of hanging out in my comfy space, being totally unaccountable…Stayed in my jammies, went to Caribou and did absolutely nothing else the entire day except smoke and play my game.

Today I tried out my plan.  It started out a bit shaky when I didn’t wake up until the cat started jumping on me at 1:00 in the afternoon.  I had gotten to bed late and was up a few times during the night.  I had told my husband I would visit in the morning.  Oops.  Ok.  Now what.  I thought about scrapping my plan.  Maybes I would start tomorrow. But, I’ve played that game before.  Tomorrow never comes.   So, after indulging in my one hour wake-up routine (which had morphed into a 3-4 hour routine lately) I got showered and dressed and headed out to visit him (and stopped at Caribou, of course).  As I thought about which route to take home I remembered I had decided to work out.  Damn.  I guess that’s the way I’m going home.  I stopped at the Y and spent 45 minutes doing stretches and exercises in the pool.

When I finally arrived home, I felt really good about following through.  I started a load of laundry and sat down for my relaxing time.  I chose to follow my plan and didn’t purchase anything.

This will definitely be a One Day At A Time thing.  It’s too overwhelming for anything more than that.  But, I need to do the hard stuff in order to accomplish what I want to do and committed to.  Another hard step in this healing and growing thing.  Getting accountable and stepping into action to change things for myself.  An ever-evolving process as I continue to learn and grow.

Stay tuned.  I will be sharing my progress along the way.

Love and Peace,

Chick

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