Security

What does security mean to you?  Today at age 68, security looks very different to me.  I can also see the difference in what security meant to my generation and the following generations.

Everyone has their own idea of what security means to them.  It may be job, money, savings, family, home, etc.  For myself and in general for my generation, I think, security was job stability, allowing for secure living now and savings/pension for retirement with a spouse and family to enjoy that stability. That seemed to disappear somewhere between corporate fraud, the economy and 9/11.  Today’s world is very different from when I entered the workforce, forcing change for all of us.  And, in my opinion, change in philosophy and our way of thinking is the hardest of all changes to navigate.  Change is difficult and in our search for security, stability and joy in life embracing change and figuring out what is important to us is a very scary process, particularly when change looms and it comes down to staying stuck vs. putting on my big girl panties and figure out how to move forward.

In a conversation with Alice the other day, I was commenting on the fact that my willingness to sell off everything and hit the road and uproot myself from my secure retirement that I worked so hard for was a bit difficult for some of my friends to comprehend.  Over the past three years my life has changed significantly as my dad died, my son died and I had to move my husband to Memory Care. None of these things were my choice.  As I navigated these past few years and as I have mentioned in previous posts, I was already engaging myself in growing spiritually as I reflected on the religion I was raised in, what I learned about a higher power in AA and what it all means to me at this time in my life.  I had opened up to spiritual growth and in walked Alice.  Together, we have each experienced significant growth over the last two years as we shared our past and started preparing for the 50-state bike ride. A chance meeting that changed both our lives. I really believe that things happen for a reason, not because some being is controlling my life (after all, there is free will involved as evidenced by the results of some of my choices) but because I should look for the lesson and take the opportunity to grow.  Then it becomes my choice to pay attention and grow, or slide past it and repeat.

I’ve been choosing to grow a lot lately.  Not because I’m some kind of saint, far from it.  But essentially, I’m not done living life yet, and I can only stand to sit in the pain briefly until I figure out how to move forward.  That’s been my deal since I got sober.  In the process of that growth, joining up with Alice for the 50-state ride was the perfect way to accomplish the final two things on my bucket list in addition to moving forward with my life.  As we’ve been working on making this happen, what’s important to me now is less about living out my retirement in the security I built and more about returning to the free spirit of my early twenties.  The interesting thing to me is that now that my husband can no longer share that life, that security is no longer important to me.  That’s is a huge revelation for me.  Without love, it means nothing anymore.  Our townhome that we decorated together is simply a place to live now.  My possessions (outside of my motorcycle) are simply that…possessions.  Financial security is now limited to making sure my husband is well taken care of even if it means draining our savings and the rest of it doesn’t matter.  I don’t need that security to live out my life.

I am my security today.  I know without a doubt that I will be ok.  If there’s nothing left, I’ll figure it out.  Not to say that I’m throwing everything to the wind.  I am carefully looking at what our assets are and what’s the best way to move forward and meet our goal of ensuring he’s taken care of, no matter what.  In this process, I realized that our retirement savings mean nothing to me in the grand scheme of things after he’s gone.  If we don’t need it all for his care, great.  I’ll have a bit of a nest egg.  However, if we use it all for his care, so be it.  I’ll still be ok.  It is a very freeing experience to be in this position and frame of mind.  Not for everyone, I’m sure, but just right for me at this time in my life.

Back to my original question for you…What does security mean to you?  Be open to change as you examine what’s really important to you.  Don’t be afraid to embrace change.  You are the only one in charge of how you live your life.  It’s your choice.  I’m not writing this to convince you of my reasons for my choices or to convince anyone to follow my path.  I’m writing to share my experience and thoughts on life.  Take it as it is.

Love and Peace

Chick