Just Show Up - Finale!

Hello there.  Since I didn’t finish this post the other day and Alice is desperately trying to get her house in order before her surgery, I offered to finish my post to substitute for her.  Never fear, she will be online again.

Now…About the rest of the story:  At age 55 I was “retired” as part of a large layoff and reorganization.  After over 30 years of being the best I could (fairly successfully, I might add) I was told there was not a place for me in the new organization.  I was planning on retiring anyway in another two years since my husband is 10 years older than me and I wanted to enjoy as much time as possible with him.  However, being told there was not a place for me was at that time was the biggest blow of my life.  It rocked me to the core.  Within 24 hours of that blow, I figured out that it was probably the best thing that could happen at that time.  My severance and pension would be enough to sustain us financially and I just got set free to enjoy even more time with my husband who had already been retired three years. I was offered a full-time job the next day, but didn’t need to take it (I wouldn’t have anyway, it would have meant a move to New Jersey).  However, they did hire me as a consultant facilitating the industry standards groups I had previously been a member of.  Now, talk about a dream job.  I got paid (substantially more) for every single hour I worked, travel time and expenses paid.  Except for the in-person meetings, I could work from home, usually less than 20 hours a week.  We had time to go fishing, take motorcycle trips and even became snowbirds for several years, spending the winter in Florida with good friends.  Retirement was a blast.

Even though we were having the time of our life, I was still struggling with that blow to my core of being laid off.  It took around six months or so to really wrap my head around it and find my center again.  My attitude kind of sucked:  Fuck You World!!! My husband did survive those months with a lot of love and patience.  My self-worth had taken such a blow that the slightest criticism or hint of disagreement inevitably ended in a meltdown on my part and more bad feelings about myself.  This was a pattern in my life, but in recent years it had receded with healing and growth as I learned how to better deal with my demons and insecurities.  In the months following the layoff they were back in force and would happen at any given moment.  I recall one day when we had gone fishing.  We were having a great time testing out our new depth finder.  We actually found the fishing hole in the middle of a large lake north of us.  I don’t remember what was said, but our fishing got cut short and I was in complete meltdown mode by the time we got to the dock.  As with most of us, my meltdowns are not pretty.  The “witch with a capital B” comes out and motivates me to swear and scream and ends with sobbing uncontrollably, stating that I just can’t stand myself.  It doesn’t usually take too long before I come to my senses and process what’s going on with me and set myself straight.  Getting rid of the bad feelings about myself usually takes a bit longer.  It typically takes a conversation with my husband or a close friend shortly after processing it in order to start feeling ok about myself.  Eventually I worked through that blow to my core and found the grace and the strength to regain my center and take accountability to make my life the best it can be regardless of where I fit or where I don’t.

After about seven years of living the dream retirement, age started changing things.  Six years ago my husband decided to sell his motorcycle because he couldn’t trust his legs anymore.  I kept riding, but in the next few years I also had two back surgeries and breast cancer.  By the time we downsized into a townhouse I now needed a spine fusion and my husband was facing a return of his cancer and a debilitating treatment of radiation and chemo ending in accelerated dementia and two more surgeries for me. If you’ve been following my blogs, you know what our life has been since then.  I won’t go through the details again here.  If you don’t know, feel free to go back and read to catch up.

Anyway, this brings me to the finale.  About a year or so ago, I decided, upon advice, that I should check out an Alzheimer’s Caregivers Support Group.  Having reaped the benefits of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was pretty certain that talking with others in the same situation would be extremely beneficial.  Alice and other friends were always there for me and listened “ad nauseum” to my experiences coping with losing my husband to dementia.  But I knew that someone who had lived or was living in the same situation would be able to share how they coped and what worked or didn’t work for them.  There is a big relief also in understanding at a deeper level that you’re not alone in what you’re going through.  A good support group can make all the difference in the world.  I wasn’t real sure what to expect at a meeting, but it certainly seemed like a positive step.  The group had a facilitator from the Alzheimer’s organization.  Going around the table each person gave a recap of what was happening currently with them.  Feedback was offered by the facilitator or other attendees.  As I observed the meeting, I noticed one woman in particular that had obviously healed and grown in her experience and even though her husband had passed away the previous year, she was still very active in the support groups as she felt she could still provide value in sharing her experience. As a minister’s wife, I think it was in her DNA to want to share her experience with others.  It was very clear to me that she was the one I wanted to talk to after the meeting.  Much of what I heard from her was similar to the messages I got in AA, just tailored to being a caregiver for a loved one with dementia.  I was able to get her phone number after the meeting and called her shortly after that.  We are enjoying a new friendship along with the mentor/sponsor role she is providing me.  From our conversations I’ve learned that for her, sharing and helping others through their journey provides her with a real sense of purpose and she reaps the benefits as well.

All this brings me to my original point.  Last week I just showed up at the Alzheimer’s Caregiver’s Support group because “I really should, I haven’t been there in a long time and I was feeling a need to talk about what I had been going through with my husband lately.”  Well since I hadn’t been there in awhile I didn’t know they cancelled the 3rd Wednesday of the month for Nov. & Dec because of the holidays.  No meeting.  Shit, now what?  Oh well.  I wasn’t the only one.  As I walked down the hall another regular member of the group was sitting at a table outside the meeting room with a woman I didn’t recognize.  As he saw me walking down the hall (no crutches) he rose to greet me.  He was one of my favorites and I was glad to see him.  We discussed the fact that the meeting room door was locked and why no meeting.  I introduced myself to the woman sitting at the table with him.  Turns out this was her first meeting, her husband was recently diagnosed.  She started telling us a bit about their situation and asking questions about ours.  We sat and talked with her for the entire 1 1/2 hour meeting time.  We ended up with a meeting after all.  She was so grateful that we talked with her, but that’s not the point.  As I drove away my first thought was “it’s all about showing up even though the outcome wasn’t what I thought it would be.”  Because I showed up, I was there when a newcomer needed to talk to somebody who had been there.  Somebody was really looking out for her because she got the two of us who just showed up that day.

But, it’s even bigger than that.  As I discussed at the beginning of Monday’s post, a key learning in my early AA experience was that part of staying sober and getting healthier is carrying the message to other alcoholics.  By offering others hope and strength, it just seems to solidify your own hope and strength.  And, it applies to much more than alcoholism recovery.  I experienced it last Wednesday at the Alzheimer’s Caregivers support group.  There is something about sharing with someone who really knows that is invigorating to one’s soul. I’ve also often talked about wanting to work with abused women.  Another area where I think I can be of service because I’ve been there, done that, walked away and found my true value.  This is the journey I’m about to embark on with Alice and the reason why I am so committed to Clearview Works and their mission.

Following is a verbatim text between myself and my Alzheimer’s Mentor after an earlier conversation.

Her:  How did things go today?

Me:  Pretty good for the most part. Ate lunch with him, took a nap together spooning. PT came, had been there Monday too.  Took him for a walk with the walker and said he could move to the walker. After a few hours, he wanted me to take him out for a smoke.  Then he got angry, sundowned, and started threatening me.  I left his room and he followed me down by the entrance.  After taking his meds, he threw the water at me.  Staff was on him right away and helped me escape.  I’m doing ok with it today, though.  It’s just part of the drill.  I was just glad to have had some good time with him.  That’s what really counts in my book.  He called just a bit ago to tell me he loved me.   He already forgot some of today’s visit.  I’m fairly grounded in the acceptance stage for the moment.  Some strength I gained from talking to a newcomer this morning, I think.  Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to get full value from the experience.  So, the fact that neither Jim or I knew there wasn’t going to be a meeting and we were there for the newcomer speaks volumes to me.  I’d be a fool not to take all the benefits of that encounter with me.  I’m as grateful as she was.

Her:  AMEN

All it takes is to Just Show Up!

Love and Peace

Chick

Oh yeah, by the way, one more thing. In the first half of the blog I went on quite a bit about how quiet and shy I was and how I mostly outgrew that by showing up and doing the next thing. That was leading to a point also. Since retirement and especially the last few years, I’ve come to love who I am and totally into being myself, not too many insecurity filters anymore. Now I’m more than likely to be the one to initiate conversation with anyone, anytime whether I know them or not. In fact, that is how I met Alice. I started up a conversation with her in the Nail Salon just because she was there. Increasingly I’ve become more social and friendly in just about any gathering or interaction with people. I suspect some might say “she sure talks a lot.” Yes I do. I own it and love it. I have been working on dialing back the talking and listening more…Progress rather than Perfection. Turns out this whole healing and growth thing broke down that insecurity shell and morphed into a skill set I can bring to the table now as part of Clearview Works. It’s as if I’ve been preparing for this all my life. Now that is too deep of a thought to take any further for me today, but you may see something about it in the future. Stay tuned and follow our journey.

Love and Peace

Chick (again)