Just Show Up

After showing up for Alice with my walking cast and accompanying her on her first time driving in the rain, even though I probably could have made it home without getting wet.

One of the first things I learned when I joined Alcoholics Anonymous that a key point in recovery is to not only learn how to get sober and stay sober, but in order to do so, it is also important to carry the message to others suffering from alcoholism.  I remember in my first 30 days of sobriety my sponsor took me to some treatment centers to talk to others in early recovery. I tried to tell him I didn’t have anything valuable to offer and that it wasn’t really necessary for me to go with.  He informed me that I had been sober one day at a time for weeks or a month and that’s more than they had.  I should share my story and maybe give them a glimpse of what living sober can be like. I doubted it, but went along for the ride.  It was way out of my comfort zone.  After all, I had just destroyed my life, wasn’t feeling very successful at anything and was never comfortable just sitting down and chatting with someone.  I was pretty shy and definitely an introvert.

Now, anybody that has known me in more recent years probably can’t fathom that about me.  I’m still technically an introvert, but that has more to do with how I recharge. I recharge myself in the quiet of my own space, wherever that may be.  However, since I was little, I was a very social person, always seeking to be a part of what anyone else was doing.  I wrote earlier about the fact that I loved kindergarten so much and was very upset about being out of school for several days during a cross-country move my family made.  My shyness and insecurity came about around 2nd or 3rd grade when it seemed other kids decided I was different for whatever reason and didn’t choose to play with me and I was teased unmercifully. By the time high school came around, I had very few friends, usually the new kids in school, and was constantly bullied on the school bus.  I still wanted to be a part of everything, but the experiences weren’t so great.  I became very shy and kept my mouth shut so as not to invite more negativity about who I was.  Alcohol and drinking in the bars gave me the freedom to be social and feel like I belonged to the crowd.  Over the years, though, I kept showing up, changed my life and felt a whole lot better about myself.  At first, it was showing up early for the meetings and talking with others, particularly newcomers.  I’ve never been comfortable in large crowds, still that underlying feeling of not being good enough. But, I showed up even though it was extremely uncomfortable and I hated doing it.

Next, was taking on responsibilities in the group.  I remember a night where I stood up and made an announcement to the group per a conversation I had with one of the elders in the group.  Unbeknownst to me, another one of the elders in the group was vehemently opposed to whatever it was that I was announcing. That person exploded from his chair with quite a few points in total rejection of what I had said.  Now, for years I never volunteered to stand up and present anything to anybody.  I learned my lesson well in school.  But as my confidence grew in sobriety and I had been in this particular group for some time, it became easier to start showing up in those discussions.  It was my worst nightmare come true!  My gut still reacts today with the remnants of how I felt then as if my heart hit the floor and my stomach hit my throat while I write this and that happened over 40 years ago.  I wanted to magically disappear and never come back.  I was sure everyone in the room was thinking “that fucking chick doesn’t have a clue.”  But the most amazing thing happened after the meeting.  So many people came up to me after the meeting reassuring me that I had handled that pretty well, especially since I had gotten caught in that political web apparently everyone but me knew about.  And you know what else?  I survived.  My life as I knew it wasn’t over.  And, I believe I also recall an apology from both those elders.  That whole experience put one hell of a big crack in that veneer I had acquired in order to protect myself since childhood.  I was me and others liked me anyway (I was referred to as Biker Carol in that group to differentiate the multiple Carols in the group).  That gave me the courage to keep getting involved and start to speak up.  Fast forward 10 years…I’m the first woman President of the founding chapter of a sober motorcycle club across Minnesota that flies colors to this day.

Fast forward through the next 17 years of a successful career full of committee leadership, presentations in front of a few, to hundreds of people, including executive levels, technical and business experts across the world.  Please tell me, where the hell did that woman come from?  Certainly not that woman with 30 days of sobriety that was afraid to talk to anyone?  Best I can come up with is that I just kept showing up and kept learning, regardless of the outcome. If I stumbled (in my mind read failed utterly), I reflected on what could have gone better?  I’m not big on being hit by a self confidence wrecking ball and really don’t care for a repeat performance.  Besides, “I’m gonna be somebody, someday”…credit to Travis Tritt…I just need to learn and move on.  You just put one foot in front of the other, as my mom still says.

Wow, this is getting a whole lot more in depth than I planned to go in the beginning. And, there’s still more to say before I get to the finale where I reveal the text I sent to a friend which is what prompted the title in the first place and obviously compelled me go into depth writing about it.  So, I think this is it for tonight.  Stay tuned, I’ll finish it next time.

Love and Peace,

Chick