Rest and Relaxation…Destruction?

The saga continues…Even after my 4-hour nap on Thursday, I slept the night and more on Friday,  In fact, I laid down for a nap that morning and woke up shortly before 2 pm. Oops, Mr. Jones was supposed to be at the Vet at 2:00.  I called them and they said I could come at 3:00.  Quick shower, dressed and outdoor with the cat. Made it by three.  Mr. Jones was due for his distemper immunization.  When we got home, we both sat down to rest.  As typical for Mr. Jones (and I suppose most cats), the first night and day or two after an immunization, all he really wants to do is sleep, and mostly in my lap.  Now, this meshed very well with my plans, because I was still kinda worn out from my week and taking on the responsibility of providing Mr. Jones the comfort of sleeping in my lap seemed to me to be the perfect excuse for me to just chill and not do anything.  It was time for me and Mr. Jones to rest together until we felt better.  We both deserved it after the week we had.  After all, he was home alone a lot all week while I was at the hospital every day, then I had the audacity to come home for awhile and then take him in for a shot.  Poor guy.  Ok.  Enough about that.  Here comes the rest of the weekend…

I set my alarm for the next morning, as I had received a phone call from the physical therapist that would be evaluating my husband.  Since I have Power of Attorney for him now, I needed to be there to sign the paperwork.  I agreed to meet him there at 12:30 pm.  All in all, it went pretty well.  My husband keeps forgetting why’s he’s in a wheelchair and now needs to work at being able to walk again.  I had to work with him and the therapist to get him to actually get him out of the wheelchair and a few more times about why the guy was there and keeping him from being alone with his wife and why he needed to learn how to walk again.  But, we got him through it.  On the way home I was reflecting on how it went and the agreement I made with PT, that I was going to have attend his appointments with PT and OT to help cajole him into working with them.  Understanding the fact that I may or may not be successful depending on whether the “Good” Carol or the “Bad” Carol shows up at that time.  When I got home, Mr. Jones was so glad to see me and climbed right into my lap to cuddle and sleep.  Again, I thought “Perfect.” Fits my plans exactly.  One thing changed though…I moved from resting and taking care of myself down into the doldrums.  The dictionary meaning describes my state of mind at that time exactly:  A state or period of stagnation or depression.  There you have it.  As I came down off that roller coaster of much needed and glorious vacation smack dab into the wall of reality when my husband fell and broke his hip about 36 hours after I got home. And, even though I had successfully navigated the latest crisis with as much grace and dignity as I could muster, I still crashed and burned.  This is typical behavior for me and I’ve had various degrees of success managing coming off of an adrenaline high while dealing with life’s latest crisis.  I’m the best you can find in a crisis. But when the crisis is over, I crash just like I used to crash off alcohol and drugs.  But as I’ve grown over the years I’ve recognized my pattern and am more interested in recognizing it when it’s happening and try to find ways to cushion the blow.  What usually works for me over time, is to sit with it and process it after recognizing it.  Good work if you can get it.  So, I sat with it the rest of Saturday.  I did get 4 loads of laundry done and folded and hung up what absolutely needed it, while I was sitting with it.  I left the miscellaneous jammies, socks and underwear along with the load of sheets still spread out on the bed.  My plan was to get up and do it Sunday along with finishing unpacking my suitcase.  Shortly after getting up I went to get our favorite energy drinks with Alice, came home and did absolutely nothing the rest of the day.  Okay.  New plan.  At some point, I realized that I had slipped into depression as my anger was directed inward.  Bad place to be when depression is rife in your family history.  Oh shit.  Now what?  Well, I decided Sunday night that I would go to bed in time to get up by 8:00 am so I could tackle what I didn’t do Sunday first thing Monday morning.  I woke up at 8:00, rolled back over and went to sleep for almost another three hours.  Alice was calling to see if I wanted to go get a drink.  Of course!  As I waited for her to pick me up, I realized I would need to be accountable and talk with her about where I had landed Saturday and Sunday (I managed to keep it hidden when I saw her Sunday morning).  But, the time had come to deal with it and figure out my way out of the doldrums.  I was pretty down on myself, didn’t like myself too much and certainly wasn’t happy with this part of my life’s journey.  Pretty painful place to be and I just couldn’t see myself staying there.  There are things to be done and I need to get doing them in order to create some kind of peace in the middle of the chaos.

So after a full breakfast of caffeine, protein, carbs and the requisite number of cigarettes for me to come to life, we talked.  Alice gets me and she’s been beside me for two years now as I’ve walked through my version of hell.  I was approaching the conversation from a viewpoint of having sunk into my old bad habits while not taking care of anything, meant we needed a serious conversation about what I should have been doing and needed to change.  I told Alice that the title of my post today would be Rest and Destruction.  She looks at me and WHY?  Not even close.  Alice says, sometimes you just need to sit with it.  It’s okay and totally needed after the roller coaster I was on dropped me off.  We talked about a lot of different things going on in our lives and the way that although we are each riding our own personal roller coaster, we seem to be in parallel.  We also discussed the different reactions we have.  When I’m deeply angry, I turn it inward on myself.  When she’s deeply angry, she turns it outwards.  Recognizing this about ourselves goes a long way towards finding a solution that takes me out this place.  I remember now something my therapist said not too long ago:  “Treat yourself with the same love you would treat a close friend in the same position.”  Duh.  Alice just showed me that love as we talked about exactly what I was going through. I came home full of resolve to take her advice on starting back to caring for myself again.  She suggested I start with a shower and getting dressed and I agreed and said that always makes me feel more human and ready to do something.  As soon as I sit down a bit to veg on my game and smoke a bit.  Well, I’m here to tell you, I didn’t exactly follow her advice to the letter.  As I sat and processed our conversation, I realized I needed to first write.  Not only because it is due today and I needed to get it in on time, especially since my last one was so late, but I needed to write right now about this while it’s so fresh in my mind.  I had a different post in mind for today, but needed to write about this.  I did amend the title to read: Rest and Relaxtion…Destruction? So, I guess I did take that first step owning up to where I was and starting to walk forward.  Kind of like I’m still learning to physically walk correctly at the same time.  Physical and emotional exercises are sure to cure what ails you.  So they say.  I’m willing to give it a shot right  now.  Stay tuned and see how I go.

Love and Peace,

Chick