It’s Funny

This was written earlier as part of a previous project -Editor

Yes, it’s funny, I literally throw my head back in laughter at some of my self-realizations. How could one not? But back to what’s funny…. It’s funny how some of the most profound moments I recall happened sitting on a bench or steps of a porch. I could stretch out 39 years of my entire life in a timeline of pivotal moments of conversations sitting on benches, curbs, or steps. The most recent happens to be a moment with a dear friend of mine, who has eyes that seem so familiar, like we have spent lifetimes helping each other in other realms of time. His eyes, I swear, have inspired the common theories behind the hypnotism and powers of alluring capabilities of vampires written about for centuries. Deep, enticing dark, that pulls you right in, under his spell. No, I am not under his spell, nor is he under mine. Are we both capable? Ohh sure. However, there is something beautiful about sitting at a table of people who know what they are all capable of and choosing not to act, whilst in this knowing of each other’s capabilities and still being wholeheartedly trusting of the other. 

Also, can’t bullshit a bullshitter right. Really though, no bullshitting. Full accountability for us at this table, so leaves no room for bullshit. My favorite table to sit at. Anyhow, we had dinner, discussing life, and all our findings, and realizations, whilst bouncing our inner thoughts of turmoil off each other. Then after dinner we sat on a bench, randomly placed I thought, but none the less it was a little wooden bench. We sat talking, and then something he said triggered memories of a reoccurring dream I used to have as a little girl, and the last time being when I was a teenager. It tied into everything we had been talking about prior, while eating dinner, and everything before the trigger moment. I love when this happens, I always giggle, even in the middle of a conversation where the giggle is absolutely misplaced because the other person has no idea what just happened in my head. Those light bulb ahh ha moments. Where everything falls into place, and another piece is added to the life puzzle you’ve been trying to put together. 

So, the dreams. I used to dream as a little girl that there was an empty stage, and an endless sea of people as the audience. I was seeing everything from above, and I am standing in the middle of this crowd, getting claustrophobic, being pushed, shoved, and all hands reaching for me. I feel smothered, like I am drowning, that I can’t breathe. Then another dream, same dream but this time, I am kicking off the pavement and making some room around me, by the force waves of wind from me trying to kick off, to fly out of this crowd, but no matter how many times I try the people keep weighing me down, keep pushing, more coming, keep pulling.

Now in dream interpretation, you have to pay attention to everything. Like the empty stage, the people, the fact that I couldn’t breathe, the time I had that dream in my life, what was going on in my life at that time, but also can’t get frustrated trying to find the meaning because some dreams, I have found, take decades to get to the bottom of their meaning or purpose. Everything is relevant and connected. So the 3^rd dream I had years later as a teen. Okay first though. My number one fear, besides the ocean, is public speaking. Hands down. I have always despised center stage, being center of attention. I don’t care if I am being granted a reward, please for the love of god don’t make me walk up there. 

So, last dream, same thing, but this time I pull from everything inside of me from my core, my womb, my entire being and I go for a kick off, one arm in the air the other arm holding all these people back and I fly up and out, but then I land like a super hero (I am not a super hero, just a dream) but I land in middle of the stage, I take a few long, deep breaths to collect myself, and stand up, put my arms out to the sides and say “All right, now I got some shit to say”. Then I woke up. 

Okay so back to the conversation on the bench, I don’t exactly remember what key words in that conversation activated the memory recall. However, it came at a moment in my life, being fired for the first time, and coming to a fork in the road, and me trying to figure out what way I need to go. Message received, then reinforced by another conversation a couple weeks later with someone I’ve known for a short time, but dreamt about and who has a significant part in my life right now. She and I were discussing jobs, being bosses, where we’ve gone wrong in leading people, working for engineers, entirely different types of engineers but none the less. Engineers' brains are definitely wired differently than the production floor. Cooks’ vs waitress, service vs parts, so on and so forth. We talked about all our jobs, and how just fuck those Engineers. 

We discuss more on her experience and what path she thinks that I should take. She’s not telling me what to do; there is much respect. Again with another soul that takes full accountability for herself. Again MY FAVORITE TYPE OF PEOPLE. As I take in everything she is saying while adding my experience, both coming up with the same conclusions. How my entire life every single job that I worked was from the production point of view, always working behind the scenes. A cook instead of a waitress, service and parts instead of Retail, so on and so forth. Then we work into my goals and dreams from all of this. Talking about what I have done wrong, what she did wrong, what I can improve on, and then a deep breath from something she says. I sit back, and say “Well fuck, I guess I have to be the Engineer now”. Laughter ensues. 

So, what’s my point? My point is I have made it a fork in the road, I decided, but to walk the path I chose. I must completely, and entirely embrace every single side of me. Good and bad, and use it for the cause for pause, I move towards. That moment on the stage. Metaphorically, or maybe literally. I just started walking the path, and things could change what I’ve seen that lies ahead or what I am working for. Either way, the metaphors from my dreams, and the conversations, have all tied together. In the dream I pull from everything that I am to get out of the sea of people that pull on me. So, I then in turn with the reminder from the bench convo, and Engineer convo, I have to pull from every side. Because within the conversations is also the realization that I am wired a specific way. Even in ways that are looked down upon, but only when all combined can I be free. That I have to embrace and accept all that I am in in order to accomplish where I am headed. Because “I am a million different people from one day to the next” so To the stage to speak. 

“I’ll take you down the only road I’ve been down. You know the only one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet.”

Much Love and Gratitude