Here I Go, Again on My own, Going Down the Only Road I’ve Ever Known

Credit to Whitesnake and much gratitude for the beautiful musical arrangement surrounding the words now coming from my soul.

This song is mine!

No I don't know where I'm going

But, I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises

In songs of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Though I keep searching for an answer

I never seem to find what I'm looking for

Oh Lord, I pray, you give me strength to carry on

'Cause I know what it means

To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue

Waiting on love's sweet charity

And I'm gonna hold on

For the rest of my days

'Cause I know what it means

To walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

But, here I go again

I’ve always loved the music of this song. That is always the first thing that grabs me when I hear a song. It’s all about the beat, the musical arrangement and the vocalist. Over time as I continue to hear the song, I start learning the words so I can participate in singing the song, especially the chorus which is easier to learn and where a lot of the emotional pull of the song is. Eventually I learn enough parts of the verses to be able to sing along with the whole song. Then one day, listening to the same song again, I close my eyes as my body moves to the music and my hands move with the beat and just listen to the words of the song. “Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams” it’s the street I’ve been on as the plans and dreams we had for our retirement and time together fade away. I’m on my own again, walking down the only road I’ve known, my life’s journey, at a time in my life where I am refining who I am and working on figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my time here on Earth. When it’s a song that really strikes you in the soul, you can feel the vibration inside of you and you become the song. This is me and this is my song for Chick and Alice.

This morning as Alice and I were enjoying our energy drinks and breakfast sandwiches we caught up on what had been happening for each of us over the weekend. As we both recounted various encounters and interactions we had over the weekend it became apparent, once again, that we were walking a parallel path together. Although we are living in different generations, I’m retired and she’s soon to become an empty-nester, we are learning the same lessons at the same time through our own experiences. Over the last months Alice has been struggling with and writing about letting go of the people in her life that aren’t truly supporting her as the person she has become. Meanwhile, I’m still living in my crazy life with all the help and support from my friends and family. And, believe me…without Alice and those friends and family, I don’t know that I would have enough sanity left to keep moving on with some sense of dignity and grace. For that, I am eternally grateful for every single one of them.

However, as Alice and I were discussing some of her process over the weekend, I shared a text with her from a very close family member who had been supporting me all along but apparently was just giving lip service to supporting me in my plan to ride 50 states with Alice.

“…plus I think you're fooling yourself on this trip, but I love you. But you could just travel in style and comfort 10 years ago maybe but now? So, I’m gonna change my number on Monday. Take care.”

A slice to my heart. When I read the text initially, I knew it was him in one of his dark moods and drunk. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Exited the text and refused to think about it anymore.

So, we were talking about the people in our lives that are really supporting us in our endeavor and the ones that were downright questioning our motives and whether I could actually do the journey at this age without serious injury or death or not and whether Alice could succeed with me along, figuring I would slow her down, distract her, cause more havoc on the road that she will be able to deal with, literally putting her life on the line for me in their eyes. They point out the struggles I’ve had with my physical health, the drain of the deaths of loved ones, my crash off narcotics, etc. They rejoice in every perceived setback even though each one has provided me with an opportunity to learn another lesson and walk out the other side stronger than ever, even supposedly trying to cast a spell on me to ensure I get out of the way. Call it what you will, but that sure seems like a betrayal of love and trust to me. It cuts to the heart so quickly I can feel it physically in my core. So, what does a person do with all that? My initial response is…”ok, you’re giving up your place at my table? Fuck you (and the horse you rode in on). It will be one hell of a long time before you earn that trust back.” I truly hope that happens before either one of us crosses that line to the end. But, you know what? As I processed through that initial shock and searched that pain in my heart, I also realized that I made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time. It’s time to again chase my dream. I had the dream husband, children to love and help raise, cherished friends and family and a successful career in the life I chose to pursue. I am very grateful and fulfilled in my life, but all the life experiences and lessons I’ve learned over the last few years as I’ve been living in chronic pain, losing my dad, my son and now my husband are telling me that now it’s time to love me and take care of myself so I can keep on living and loving in the time I have left. It is my intention to continue as long as I can and do what I can the best I can.

I also realized that my love and care for others can no longer drive my decisions. It is my journey and I get to make those decisions focused on love and care for myself, nobody else. My “Fuck You” is laced with love. I’m not void of love for others, but I have come to the point that I am voiding the impact of your words and actions on how I live the rest of my life. If you’re not with me, you’re not with me, I am moving on anyway and I won’t be taking your baggage with me. It’s not mine. It’s yours to keep.

Is it unrealistic or egotistical for me to even expect that from those that I love? I don’t know whether or not it is and not really sure I care. I do know this, I do know that this next part of my life’s journey is not about the outcome, but about the journey. I am committed to this journey with Alice and cannot take on any of the naysayers or what they have to say. Whether you know me, or don’t know me as well as you think you do, or don’t know me at all or think you care about me or you don’t, doesn’t make a difference. I will continue on my journey with or without your support. My trust and support is going on this journey with me. I’m truly sorry you won’t be part of that. I still love you, but this is so long for now. I hope we can come together again soon. Even if that doesn’t happen, I’ll always be carrying my love for you with me.

Here I go again on my own…but now, down that parallel path with Alice.