A Cause for Pause

This was written March of 2024.

There are paths you choose to walk, commitments you make whether it be to a job, a person, a memoir, a non-profit, a trainer, your kids, your spouse etc. You take so much on your plate of life, whilst having things on the back burner. It becomes impossible to eat what’s on your plate, and the rest becomes wasted. You try to do the admirable thing. Work a 40-hour work week, providing for your family, being there for the moments your children need you, be there for your spouse, do your best to be there for the friends you love, whilst trying to pursue dreams that are so large, with a passion and desire and drive that no one understands.

The dream, the vision, it separates you from a large majority of people that you don’t want a divide between, but it’s there. No denying it. You can fight it, but there is no use. Life, God, spirit, has other plans, and it does not involve the ones you want it to. No matter how you try, these people, these souls will be shaken off your roller coaster of life. The reasons may not be clear at the time, but they will be. You’ll feel as if the walls crumble around you, as you become stronger, as you heal, as you voice your boundaries, as you take steps forward realizing with every step forward you are moving away from all you’ve known.

So, you resist. You second guess the steps forward, why are the ones you have grown to love for years, or even the few months you’ve known them, not stepping with you, why are they getting further away? You keep looking over your shoulder, with every step, tears pouring down your face, asking why, but you know, you see their chains, you see what ails them, and you see the ones waving in the background, wishing you well on your journey. You look at your feet, you hesitate in the next steps, you don’t want to leave it all behind, is it worth it you ask yourself? Why me? Why can’t they step with me? Why can’t they break their chains? Why are the others lovingly waving goodbye? Is this goodbye?

You are second guessing every step, every decision, every word that has come out of your mouth to make some of them step back. Everything is under scrutiny. Cause and effect. Next thing you know, you are getting fired for the first time in your life. For unbelievable reasons but IT happened, people quit on you for reasons that they didn’t have the integrity to tell you themselves for the reasons why. The reason you were fired starts to become apparent after you get hit with an unexpected turn on a finding on your health from an unexpected ER visit. All within a months’ time.

So, this becomes the moment of a “Cause for pause”. You slip into a slight depression, analyzing every single moment that stands out for the last few months, what led to this, where did this begin, what moments caused and affected. What was the catalyst? What did I do wrong, how do I move forward.

Then the “fuck it” moment happens. It’s been a long time since you danced this dance. Fired for the first time, for reasons that are not resolved yet, can’t get another job until the reasons are resolved, so pull up a chair and sit, child, smoke from your piece that you named Insight, and let the magic happen. Let the plant's magic wield its powers that be, she’s medicinal after all, to those who don’t abuse her gifts. Sit, ask, reflect, feel, listen, and let go of what is, what was and what will be. Kick your feet up, Laugh, just fucking LAUGH at the riddles life has been weaving for you, then inhale and exhale with the realization: the realization that you, yourself are responsible and accountable for everything. All of it.

The universe/God/spirit just did what you asked for. Ohh yes, Sweet Mary Jane wielding her powers that be with the powers of the name Insight that my words weaved into the dance of a roll out of every cataloged moment in time of my very own lifetime.  Sitting with a long time friend who reminds you of your roots, all the correlations to this year's theme, which is all getting back to your roots, where you came from, being reminded of the years you were free, when you danced, when you didn’t know fear, in these moments of reflection, over the passing of Insight, you recall getting on your knees next to your bed and praying, something no one believes or even knows you do, and praying for a clear path, because you know you are at a fork in the road, what way to go, Uncle Sam & the Rat Race or Forge your own Path no matter the storm. Laughing, you tell your friend while passing Insight that you prayed for a clear path the weekend before you were fired. Laughter ensues when she says “Ohh shit, well path seems clear to me.”

The whole conversation is a breath of fresh air because this friendship has always been nothing less than honest, true, in all the glories of beauty and pain through our life’s journeys together, no conversation ever falls short of full accountability for our faults, struggles, our dark sides, our light, our truth, all that we are. Tears soon fall in conversation, she knows what this all means, she knows me. She knows what decisions I am making before I even know, I honestly think I am “still deciding” but looking in her eyes, she knows. I already know what’s happening seeing it in her eyes. We laugh and cry at the gravity of the situation. What this all means and will mean. She knows this is my last shot, that I must go all in, and what it all means for me, and everyone around me including her. The hard swallows, the goodbye.

It’s like a vision I had of me pacing back and forth in a hallway, I switch between sitting in a chair facing an open door, chain smoking, legs shaking with elbows on knees leaning forward in front of this open door that leads to a room filled with filing cabinets lining every wall. Files upon files stacked on the cabinets, some to the ceiling, bulletin boards filled with notes covering every wall. The only clean surface is the table. Not a damn thing on the table. I pace back and forth, I sit, staring at this open door because I know what this all means. I know what the empty surface of the table means. I know what I must do, and FUCK!

All my loved ones are in the hall, but they all know they can’t walk in, they tried to help, and they slowly leave the hallway, I know what their absences mean, I know what their goodbyes mean, I know I have to walk in that room, and I know just as the ones that got me all the way to the door what this means. The pacing ensues, as it has been for years, I have pulled up my sleeves, still pacing, still chain smoking, cussing. This is my room, and no one can come in with me. I am not to rely on anyone because no one can do what I must do and can do in that room. It’s my research, my work, my studies, my findings, my loves, my soul pieces, my blood sweat, and tears. I must close that door, and once I do, I can’t come out until it’s done.  Some may not understand this, but that’s okay because the ones that have witnessed, who’ve walked with me through hell, know. That’s all I need now. All the reminders in the past few months, to remind me of my roots, who I am, where I came from, all happened in a beautiful painful sequence up to this moment.

The moment I chose to walk into that room, without looking behind me. Realizing my chains were to people that left me a long time ago, that my steps are no longer bound, that I do not have chains on anymore, that I don’t watch my feet, that my sleeves are pulled up, that I am on my own because I am the only one for this job. It's time, to finish ALL that I’ve started.

*Flicks cigarette, walks forward, and click shut behind me.