I Despised Becoming a Woman

So, Chick is running a garage sale to help raise funds for the 50 state Bike ride. I am writing in her place. Which, lucky readers I am in a spicy mood today. Been sitting with a lot as more history presents itself. Going through files upon files of my own history, my mother’s history, my family history, history of my family unit and all our trials and tribulations. From Certifications, Diplomas, Medical reports, police reports, court proceedings, Sheriff's reports, Psych Evaluations, pictures of broken families, over and over again, biological to step, divorce decrees, restraining orders, finding things missing like a sibling in a divorce decree, I mean I have been going through it all and still have tons to go through.

This has been bringing up a lot from my past, flashbacks, and getting stuck in a loop again. Though it is a lot easier than before as I have done a lot of healing over the years. I know I am in the loop and know what I need to do to get out of these loops at this point. Fighting the disappointment in myself that I still have healing to do, and how much work it is to continue to heal. Why can’t I just be fixed. Why can’t these flashbacks just be casual memories, why do I still have to relive it, and mother fuck I am so tired of the past messing with the blessings I have today. I am ready for this shit to be over.

So far this year seems to be nothing but tying up loose ends. Closing the loops. Full circles. And my final “enough is enough” are being handed out like candy. Titles bear no weight on me anymore. And the only way to get a title is to earn it at this point.

Now what does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well hang in there, nothing and everything. Because what? Fill in the blank… Everything is connected. Yep that’s right.

There is no way avoiding the path ahead. I am writing a book, and I will be using documents from my life, and ones before me. Then I will write between to fill in the blanks. The rest is getting everything in order for my family unit so they either will be taken care of in my absence or the event of sometimes a much wanted death. Because I am fucking tired sometimes. Not suicidal just fucking tired and want to go home. I know, I know. But fuck people, walk a mile in my shoes.

To those wanting to Sue Me, everything will be published for you to do so better start ramping up.

I have written about my mother and touched base on my sister a few times. How my mother was my biggest abuser and yet my biggest hero all in the same. Though that stands true in my heart and soul. There are days that I simmer in hate, anger, grief, resentment, and much more. Part of the cards I was dealt all that matters is I act and lead with my heart, and sit with it, and let it go in whatever way I need to and I suppose today it is writing. Sorry for y'all.

Chick has been talking about her mother a lot lately as she maneuvers her life journey of memories. Her memories are fond of her mother. This brings me much joy for her. I don’t envy or wallow in jealousy. I burst with joy that others got a better experience. As she has been talking about good memories of how she grew up, whilst I have been going through files of all sorts, more patterns of myself and my lineage presenting itself in a way that I can now see more than before.

My mother and my halfling have been on my mind a lot lately after recent news to ME, (finding out through someone else) that my halfling was adopted by the man who disowned me and cast me out as a liar. When I wasn’t the liar or the perpetrator. Not that my life hasn’t prepared me for the betrayals and being banished from a bloodline due to the truth that came from my mouth. The constant push for them to heal and challenging them to deal with shit they all ended up brushing under the family rug for vanity. Protect the family from ridicule. Keep the truth talker on the outs while casting her into alienation of everything she knew so they could be ostriches with their heads in the sands.

Lately I have been royally pissed at the life I lived. I am grateful because of who I am, how strong I had to become because I had no other choice, but I went without “family”. I cleaned up their messes while they all cast me out. Even the Mother and fathers of the children I raised when they all signed their OWN rights away. I have been the bigger person. I have had to make decisions I would never dream of anyone having to make. I took the ridicule, I took the alienation, I took the death threats, I took being blamed for everything that went wrong. I stood my ground with tears in my eyes, and an ache in my heart that I would never wish on my worst enemy.

This isn’t a woe is me party. I don’t need or want sympathy. Or any prayers for my peace. I am at peace in where I am at. And if anyone wants to pray for me please pray I win the war I have been fighting. Because history has proven that there is no peace without war.

Sexuality. This has been a whirl spin of mind fuckery for me all my life. I always seemed to have better values and morals naturally than my mother or the women in my bloodline. Maternal that is. I have yet to get to know the paternal side and what I know of the man that created me I am leery, even of them. Blood scares me more than non-blood folk.

Not sexuality as in the alphabet hogs. I could care less who is fucking who behind closed doors as long as the kids are not part of the mix and the adults are willing and consenting.

I am talking about the sexuality of some of the women in this world. Now, why is this pertaining to me? Well I have plenty of experience myself, from switching teams and batting for the other. Being called a man hater when I never hated men, I feared them. Truth is I hated WOMEN. Yep my secret is out. Now let’s get into MY whys.

I was a little girl, had to be ages from 5-7. I remember my mom bringing a woman home and being covered in hickies while my dad was gone. Telling me while laughing and falling over that friends sometimes bite each other. Yes, ohh haha. Age 11. I hated being a girl. Started my monthly at age 11, started growing boobs. Super. I hated it. In this world. I had already been violated by two male family members by that age. Who were supposed to be my protectors. Then 12, my mother coming to me for advice on STDs now referred to as STIs because I had taken sex ed in school and, as I understood it, she was having multiple affairs on my dad. She in turn asked me to keep this secret. I dropped out two months into my sophomore year because I was put into a class where two kids from two different families sat in desks and only empty desk was between both of these boys. WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS? Wish I could make this shit up. Then growing up. My halfling having to go with me and my friends. Buddies whatever, telling me that they didn’t want to hang out with me if she came with because, according to them, she was rubbing their dick the whole time, and THEY were uncomfortable.

I remember watching my halfling being put in the small town group home for a year after what I understood at the time to be 3 yes 3 fucking FALSE accusations following breakups with the boys. Bringing my boyfriends home and, from my perspective, both my mother and halfling trying to fuck them. Walking in on my mother spread eagle with the woman I understood her to be having an affair with while married to my dad. Yes, for real. I later learned my halfling had slept with the guy I was engaged to in our family shower a week after we broke up. Then she told me, “I thought you hated him”. Lucky mother fucker. I was a statutory case and you went for my lil’ halfling. Nice. Buddies coming to me and expecting to remain friends after telling me they almost slept with my mother when, according to them, she advanced on them. So brought girls home after that. Same shit. My marriages brought their own experiences involving both my mother and sibling with all 3 of my spouses. My halfling going to one of my husband's boxing matches. I had a high seat in the bleachers and watched her maneuver the crowd and walk straight over to one of the boxing judges and work her magic if you will. She got a bracelet out of the deal so you go girl. WTF! That judge was in his late 50’s to 60’s mind you. With a wedding band. Wish it stopped there but it didn’t.

No, I had to tell both these women in my life to stay off my wife. “That’s enough mother” as she lingered too long in hugs and the fucking hip tilt. Listening and trying to console both of them through all the things they told me and the things I witnessed. One dressing up in baby doll lingerie in circumstances I understood to involve a girl who had reportedly been sexually abused by the man involved. I was aware of allegations involving that man and that girl, and later of charges being pressed against him. I have always wondered what else happened that I did not know about. I was also told about an abortion following a pregnancy that I understood had initially been mutually agreed upon. Then let’s top it off with the fact that adoption of a grown ass woman that took my warning from an old video that I won’t be changing my name, but you mother fuckers better. I remember my case worker being told, “I have never seen any abuse in the home,” despite what I experienced there. Not what you apologized to me for when I was 16 in your kitchen over a glass of scotch huh Daddy? And then there were allegations she made about you touching her as a girl. Were they true? I don’t know. But after everything I have learned, I have questions. Yes, blame me Daddy. She’s the innocent one. Talk to the other two kids that suffered immensely during the years her offspring was in our family unit. He came to us with serious issues already present. Hate to break it to you. Proof is the pudding, and I got the pudding. You want the records and diagnoses too? Bet you’re regretting teaching me to read and research now. Hat’s off. Gloves off.

Now, why would so many people connected to painful chapters of my life become friends on Facebook? LMFAO, I don’t stalk people. But the information falls in my lap. Screenshots and timestamps document what I have seen and when it came to me. Why would an ex husband make friends with a man I say molested me as a little girl, after that ex had previously “helped” protect me from him? Why would my halfling become friends with my ex-husband? Why would my halfling take her child (at the time) around the man I say molested me? Then tell me, “Well, he didn’t molest me”. Why would a man who had previously been involved with my halfling become friends with them after everything that happened between them? Why does it feel like a whole group is trying to take me out? Yeah I must be paranoid right. But I am not the one changing my name or surrounding myself with people tied to these chapters of my life. I am standing alone. The demon you made holding a sword crafted in the heavens. So, let’s play.

Time for redemption is over. Not a threat. And as vain as all of you are (not the readers) but the lot of ya I am referring to. This is not about you. This is about ME, and the others.

I was recently reminded how it feels like everyone wants my mouth shut. I sat with this, and was down for many days over this. Silent. Introverted. Empty. Then a young girl walked in. She had a black eye and severe bruising on the back of her arms. The bruising immediately reminded me of what I experienced when I was gripped and banged up against something, the momentum of the back and forth making my bruises ten times worse. ASK ME HOW I FUCKING KNOW!! More bruises on her sides. I have bits and pieces of her life, but don’t need much to recognize things that remind me of myself. I watch how she interacts with others, how she maneuvers with hand gestures, and body movements. I recognize things in her that remind me of the life I lived. I recognize the self worth and respect I once struggled with. I recognize picking what is familiar, believing you don’t deserve better, and believing that is what love is. THAT GIRL WAS ME!

This started welling up that grit of mine again. I will not stay down. I will stand like a stone. I will march steady like a soldier. I will wear multiple knives for every fucking position. I will conceal and carry IWB and name my gun dick while sporting my tramp tattoo the penis and potato. Because my WOMB, MY BODY, MY CHOICE, I AM THE FUCKING DICTATOR of my SOUL, BODY AND SPIRIT. I will figure out a way for women to become strong and save their soft without LEARNING THE WAY I HAD TO.

Trump that! 😜

So that’s the short story of how I grew to hate women by watching the ones who walk hips first.

Well, hell I feel better. By the way I don’t hate women anymore. Took a lot of healing. I believe if y'all have read the blogs before. I talk more fondly. Well, not completely but enough to know I have healed some, and lead with love. Alchemizing is what I am doing now.

Much Love and Gratitude

Lalenya aka: Alice