The Curse of the “Strong Ones” & the Secret Moments Between their Human Interactions

Heads up this one is going to be a bit raw or maybe not who knows til I am done. I am just feeling raw these days. Maybe the full moon, maybe because I am mooning myself. Either way it’s what I am experiencing and I have gone rounds with myself pacing back and forth on which blog I should write. So much to say so little time to get it done. My second to last blog took me 16.5 hours. Time is precious and I have been utilizing every fucking second that I can. Trying to make sure I take time for myself in the process but that doesn’t always seem to happen these days. Not complaining. It’s my lot in life and the path I chose to walk. I am happy to walk it and happy with against all odds, who I have become today.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting, a lot of things have been coming up in some way or another as always. Same shit different day.

A few things said that I have been sitting with. Some have me pacing physically and metaphorically. Examples “You are so strong and brave.” “Let them burn, Even Me.” “How you holding up?” “What do you want for that?” and few more I rather just beat around the bush about.

Now, You’re strong and brave… I understand the sentiment. I am grateful for it but the heaviness that wells in my chest hearing these words. Takes me back to a day that I was told when I was holding my ground and standing in my truth. “Lalenya, not everyone is strong like you.”

Something some of you should know about me is I feel and process multiple emotions all at once. So, parts of this looks like….

• Thank you for noticing took a lot to get here.

• Boy I have a lot of people fooled.

• Thanks though I didn’t have a choice.

• Ohh yes, blame me for being the strong one, though I got here by you and everyone else leaving me to drown in the sink or swim game of life for speaking truth and by all means keep catering to the guilty because sure they had a bad life. Make excuses for the ones that won't change and keep doing evil deeds but cast out the one that speaks the truth and challenges the status quo by standing toe to toe with the adversities you cast upon me.

• You only see how I face my days not what it takes to continue to.

Strong and brave sure. Some will argue and debate this with me. Why I am, how I stand out from others but I have fought every day of my life to just be vertical in some aspect. The amount of times I have wanted to give up is countless. I don’t get to sit with heart break, I have to move with it. Clock is ticking always. I am on borrowed time. I have been given second chances for my mortality. No rest for the wicked. All of our days are numbered and I don’t like to waste time. I fight with resting because I feel it’s a waste of time because I am not being productive. This has gotten better over the years but I still have bouts of beating myself up for it.

“Strong and brave.” Deeply sighs. I have tried taking my own life. Pulled the trigger. I was committed to this choice. That didn’t happen. (Not promoting this at all). I cry in closets. I cry in the shower because it’s the best way to hide a hard cry. I sit in the driveway listening to a song and cry before I enter whatever house/home at the time, more than anyone could ever know. I cry myself to sleep even laying next to someone who never knows. I cry when I check my social media accounts and my most treasured friends and family show no support all because of their reputations. Not knowing if the roles were reversed I’d have their backs. I forgive way too easily and countlessly no matter the cost to myself because my heart is my strength but my greatest weakness. I cry for my perpetrators and their fates saddened by the choices they never took to heal or find redemption. I cry for the animals, land, environment, the state of the country and how sometimes I feel like what I am doing is a lost cause because no one wants to take the steps to turn it around because collectively Homo-Sapiens are by far the greediest of all forms. Taking way more than they need, and I could go on and on.

“Let them burn even me.” Well if you aren’t a martyr for the cause if I've ever seen one. I still sit with this one. Number one I don’t want anyone to burn. I want people to heal and grow. It deeply saddens me when they don’t. I don’t let this affect me as much as it used to because of free will. I have to respect the fact that people have the choice to not heal and grow. I also am grateful for the sentiment at the same time. A form of accountability in there but none more than my mother admitting her faults and taking her accountability but making sure I looked like a fucked up child that she had to defend herself from not the other way around. Coming from another person that would let me hang on the cross for their sins as they watch me bleed out. Thanks, tips hat but fuck you. I’ll do me you do you.

“How you holding up?” I do enjoy being asked how I am doing but I lie frequently. Though I know they know the truth. I can see it in their eyes. I know they are watching. But somedays especially this week I just wanted to say how the fuck do you think I am holding up? I am doing my best to be a leader for my team. I am always late getting my blog in because it is last priority even though I helped construct the rules and guidelines. I cry between places. I live minimally. I don’t like eating these days. Was asked if I was on a single woman’s diet the other day. I juggle 3 different jobs to save for fuel for the bike ride. I schedule a day for myself I mean completely for myself and my boys ask me to go shooting and I chug coffee to make sure I get in every minute that my boys want to spend with me. I miss my fucking dog. I miss my wife but am holding my ground. I miss living in one place but have rooms in 3 different locations. I have multiple travel bags that I pack and repack weekly because they are constantly in cycle. Taking care of my uncle 2 hours away when I get time off work. I manage non profit, death doula, cleaning house for $35 an hour, sleeping in different places multiple times a week to chase a fucking dream on pure fucking faith and I, for the love of god, cannot and will not FUCKING STOP chasing. I am exhausted everyday, I am still recovering from surgery, I am still fighting new nerve issues. I save every fucking tip I get and do my best to not impulse buy. I read, research and refresh my memory. I think constantly about the route and non profit. I am always moving always pivoting always fucking doing something. So, short story I am holding just fucking fine. Thank you for asking.

FUCK, that’s not even all of it.

“What do you want for that?” Ugh, nothing mother-f’ers. I don’t just do things for people for my personal gain. Yes, I do need to work on receiving, but that's not why I do things. I do it because I fucking love. I love hard, deep, and forever. Doesn’t matter who, doesn’t matter what they did or didn’t do. I am a fucking bleeding heart. Yes, to rebuttal the argument about my state of mind when it comes to receiving. I could use some work in this area, but damn it. I give to give and what I am given in return is precious time shared with beautiful souls. Cause god damn it, you maroons. This is all we can take with us. I don’t care about money, I don’t care about gifts. I have been given so many gifts for all the wrong reasons. Sharing your time, making time for me in your life means more to me than anything that could possibly be given.

But, to counter my son’s argument about receiving for the business mind. If anyone wants to “give” just Donate, so Chick and I can fuel our tanks for 2 years. We are riding the least expensive fuel guzzlers for motor vehicles for 2 years. But really, I am grinding everyday to make that happen. So, if no one wants to donate/support Chick and Myself. We got this without the help. There is 3 of us on the board donating as much as we can without breaking the bank in our day to day lives. This whole ride I designed to be cost effective in so many facets. I have faith, and so does the team. We are happy to do it. We made our choices to walk this path. But for me. In all honesty, if my cancer doesn’t come back with a vengeance, if I die on this ride, because yes we know what all the fucking risks are but at this time. All I want is time. It means the most to me. I don’t know if I will make it home. I don’t know if I will ever see all the faces I love so fucking much. I don’t know. Ya know?

Strong, shrugs… I really don’t know. I am just out here doing me trying to secure a future for my grandchildren and everyone else’s. To help others heal and grow. Sharing my wisdom gathered from my experience, and research. I am losing patience for many these days as I stand my ground with one, I realize the others I have let slide. All I do know is that only one person in our collected circles truly understands the pull to the highway and she's going with me. Even when I tell her she doesn’t have to stand by me. With death threats, with exposing a lil podunk town of all of the dark secrets I know while exposing my sins as well in order to help others. She always says Fuck Yeah when I question her going. Telling me there is no place she’d rather be. So confused on why out of all the people in my life. Out of all people I would lay life down for. Out of all the people I would come running at the drop of a hat if they called for my help. Yet, she is the one who believes. Believes in me. All in, believes. It still brings me to tears. I am so fucking grateful, but so unsure because in some aspects why couldn’t it been the ones I wanted. Why a woman that I met over 2 years ago, who knows more about me than some of my closest friends. Not all. But majority. She is the one who says fuck yeah. It warms my heart but yet breaks it all the same. But the connection is hard to explain. We both feel everything in our lives separately was always working towards this. We were like magnets. When the student is ready to learn the teacher arrives. I laugh at this because both Chick and I would argue who’s the student and who’s the teacher knowing we are simultaneously both for each other. The rest is just too sacred to share.

So really all I am trying to say is the “strong ones” are just real fucking people, living real fucking lives, with real fucking human emotions. We break, we fall though we fall proud. Yes, we always get back up, but it’s with tears, screaming fuck, throwing dirt, and sometimes praying we could just stop. We just don’t have it in us to. We are running on a different set of rules.

As far as this bike ride. I don’t think people understand the risks involved for both Chick and myself. How aware we are of the risks. Understanding that we are doing are best with little to no help from our closest friends and family being totally okay with doing it ourselves because we may never see their faces again. It’s the true true. We are doing our best to work through and let go of our grievances, heart aches, disappointments, judgments from others we love because deep down all we truly care about is the time we get to spend with them. No matter how much we have to grind to make this happen. The exhaustion is relentless but we keep pushing forward. This is something we think about a lot. The ride is less than a year away and we are not turning back. Both of us knowing the pain of death. Knowing we may die out there both honored to be next to each other doing it but nonetheless still carrying the same weight of the fate of the strong ones.