Envy

Jen here. I'm always a little envious of people with strong family ties. I'm amazed at the people who actually enjoy being around their families, and their moms in particular. The best I can say about my relationship with my mom is it's complicated. I don't have a bad relationship with my parents; I have a cautious relationship.

I could, & some would say I should, go no contact, but I won't. I am, however, pretty low contact. Having enough physical distance to be inconvenient helps. My extremely low social needs help too. I just can't walk away though.

When I was in my tweens, my mom cut off ties with my grandpa. Beyond being an alcoholic, I don't know the reason she's no contact with her dad. The petty side of me wants to stay in contact with her because she doesn't talk to him. But that's not the only tie that's binding me.

I have this unspeakable, cautious feeling about my family whenever I see them. I am guard up and boundaries on high alert when I see them, but there's also love. I have good memories of growing up. I remember the good feelings I would get at family gatherings.

So, it's complicated. Family often is. And that's ok.