I Don’ Wanna but I’m Gunna

I have been out of the game for a minute. Trying to write, but the place I have been in isn’t exactly a place I should write from gauged only by the comfortability of others in my life. Honesty is a hard pill to swallow. Lord knows I know this. I have paid relentlessly for being honest my entire life, but it’s how I am wired. I came into this world wired this way and  I’m sure as fuck going out that way. My mother always said there was no point in punishing me because I was already punishing myself, that if I did something wrong I always came to her about what I did since I could walk and talk before she could even get to it. This never changed. Have I learned to survive by using tactics of omission and lying, the answer is yes. I am human after all. Just the way of it. Life that is. I have wrote a few blogs, haven’t finished them because they come from a place of anger. I don’t exactly want to come from a place of “misplaced” anger, but in some ways I don’t feel people are ready for “my non-misplaced anger”. Either way I suppose I will talk about what I have gone through in the past few weeks and what i have learned.

Prior to my surgery on December 3rd. I was combing through my internal battles. Knowing myself and the challenges ahead of me. Knowing from foresight and my own personal pattern recognition and self awareness. Having a surgery, which I have had a few and know what comes with it but this one is going to put me down unlike the others. My outlet, and self soothing by always doing something is going to be gone. I am going to have to challenge myself on accepting help. I am going to have to drop expectations of who is going to help and who isn’t, I am going to have to sit with things that I haven’t had a chance to because I will be man down. I knew what was coming and was already taking the steps to self regulate and take it easy on myself as I take the steps forward. I won’t lose myself in the process. I thought about the fact that I am constantly moving, always on the go, always doing this, always doing that, how much I do for other people. Sitting with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to help the team for non profit, and wouldn’t be able to get things done having to to let go and allow the people to step up to fill in. I had so much to sit with in such a short time. Things I don’t think most would understand, some folks thinking “whatever it’s just a surgery”. *eye roll.

I had to look back on my traumas and the causes and effects. Sitting with the fact that I was and am grateful for everyone who showed up to help when they did but I would have traded them all to have my mother there instead. Only to realize she was in spirit. Songs playing on the radio, words she used to say coming out of others mouths, that was my mom. People singing songs that my mother sang to me out of no where but placed where she would have placed them. Sitting with the fact that I hadn’t had time to actually truly just miss my mother, deeply whole heartedly because surviving since her death was priority for me and my children. Crying more for her presence than I had since her death in 2016. Needing and wanting her tough love and having it manifest in the strangest ways. Some have seen this themselves and know this to be true from experiencing similar situations resulting from death of their own loved ones. Almost like a door opens to the other side through the pain and grief honestly I think more of the letting go of it in my experience. The other reaching to you in this realm. I wont dive into that today, too much involved and that's not what this blog is about, but nonetheless. I also realized how much time I actually need to myself by constantly being surrounded people by the hour for weeks. How it entirely drains me. I knew this about myself and self regulated the best I could in the past but sitting like this the way I have, it’s time to take action in areas I have been avoiding. Anger being the show and tell for something surfacing, it was boiling on the back burner, until it became a rapid boil and I know I am going to have to handle that pot. I sat back and observed the actions of others, listened to the things they said, how they either backed it or didn’t. I let them. I let them reveal themselves, let them be. In every aspect of my life and their current standing. I was hurt, and became angry and there are things said that I had to sit with, because the words rolled around in my brain, surging energies throughout my body, irritation, betrayal, anger, hurt, grief, disappointment. The changes from the surgery backed by an energy healing before and after in preparation for what's to come understanding not just the physical aspects but the spiritual aspects of everything that is going to transpire in the months ahead. I’m not going down the spiritual rabbit hole with y'all, I have had some realizations about that as well, and that will come out on my time because this is my journey, my life’s vision quest, after all.

Some things said that I had to sit with that flew out of my mouth in conversations that didn’t hit me before even though the words and lessons already resided in MY being, hearing them from my own mouth while in the state of being a hollow bone speaking from my soul to another. Advice from me to another “Throw your fit, just don’t quit”, “I AM my own security”, “I am done accepting the bare minimum because I know who and what I deserve now”. Things I heard from the mouths of others in the last couple months. “Ahh, that's a lot of anger” “If you would have planned better you wouldn’t be in this situation” “Get over it” and so much more but these words are what’s coming to mind in this moment so I suppose it’s all y’all need to know.

Then the quotes that have been showing up in middle of all of my chaos.

“It is better to be a Warrior in a garden than a Gardner in a war.” “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”

The first TikTok reel this morning only compounding everything, all my thoughts and experiences. “If I make one promise to my self for the coming year, it’s to be brutally honest with myself about what I need, and what I have to let go of, because I know the only person I cheat out of a beautiful life when I lie to myself is, me.”

So reflecting on all of this in the last couple months, add in the handful of people from my past that I have known over 10 years showing up. What I learned from those situations in the last year, while running my life, my household, and my non profit. I have learned and am strongly standing firm in things I didn’t have the back bone for before. Was it on a slow simmer on the back burner, yes. The words back bone may be the key words in this because like I have mentioned many times before everything is connected.

Will some of you get this? I don’t know nor do I care anymore because what I do know is something has changed. A lot of things have changed and it was already on its way for me to be where I am today verses yesterday. I don’t know what happened on the operating table besides I woke up with things that were there are now gone and things that weren’t happening for majority of my life are happening now. I feel like I have substantial blood flow and oxygen to my brain for the first time in decades, my posture is different in a manner that causes me to stand straighter shoulders back more. The cause and effect of this. The sudden boundaries and convictions being vocalized like they haven’t been before. My words carrying more weight and conviction Could it be the surgery? Could it be the Reiki healing I had target a specific area for specific reasons? Is it the observing I was forced into by being man down having to sit with everything? All the what ifs and what's thats. Question should be does it matter where it’s all coming from. Well, sure in some aspects but on the other hand nah. I am riding it all, every wave coming in regardless of the size. It’s all relevant always is always will be. The cause and effect. I see the differences in everyone around me as I step into this aligned spine of mine. My back bone. I have hit a level of not giving a shit that in a way I am patting myself on my own back saying it’s about fucking time. Yeah, flip side to that is in order to do that realizing you don’t need pats on the back from anyone else anymore. Hitting a level of “I'm done throwing hands in air and pulling it all back and the rest are on their own”

So to the point. Where I am at. I am done packing others weight. I am done putting work into relationships that won't put the work in themselves. I am done having expectations for those I care most about but don’t care for me the same. I am done allowing others to take titles in my life without actually putting the work in themselves regardless of the years I have invested in waiting for them to grow themselves. I am done listening to excuses. I am done taking advice from people that haven’t put the work in. I am only meeting people where they meet me. As far as my future forward with the non-profit and bike ride. This is for me and the parts of me being it for the reasons I have and I’ll do it alone. I am done talking spiritual with people to use my words and lessons as their own. I am letting them fall. I have picked them up time after time while never getting a hand and now they can get off my back. I am not here to do the inner work for no one but myself with the knowing that it’s the only way to truly help others. I am done walking people through their part and what they have to do. Either do it or get the fuck out of my way. I have over exhausted, over extended, over loved, over cared, over helped only enabling these people from dealing with their own shit. SO if you want a place earn it, and step with me. Because in all aspects of the phrase “My way or the highway”. No, I am the fucking highway. I dedicated my life to this. I made the sacrifices for decades. I did the research. I did the fucking work. You want it you work for it. You do the inner work. You step forward. Want to be strong like me well guess what you are going to have to go through the trenches to carry that badge of honor and it doesn’t come easy. You will not have a place while refusing to put the work in without learning the vision. I am not giving it away anymore. And rightfully fucking so. I deserve this. The life I have lived I deserve the road in my helmet for a couple years, not overextending for anyone but myself and I am not packing no one any more. Keep up or get left behind. I am going to run this at my pace. Not just the non profit this stretches into all aspects of my life. I am not playing dominos anymore. I am not giving power to the words of discouragement out of the mouths I loved more than any others anymore. Everyone made their bed. My accountability is admitting my part in enabling others to learn how I did thinking I was caring for them and guarding them from pain but in reality I sacrificed myself when those people have to fall in order to get themselves back up or they will never learn by being carried on the back of others. You want to sit at my table telling me that you support me and believe in what I am doing but can’t explain why or haven’t read at least 3 of my blogs it’s simple I am taking my plate back and you can eat somewhere else. You don’t want to publicly acknowledge my existence in your life because of the repercussions of your inner circle same goes for you. Eat somewhere where else. You are not taking from me or the others sitting at my table that actually put the work in.

Does this mean you need to know everything, no just the essence. In all honesty there is one soul on this planet that sees me for who I truly am in and out and what it took for that to happen was that person working on themselves for themselves. It comes at a cost and sacrifice and I do not expect this from anyone but in that essence and presence in my life, I have learned I am done accepting bare minimum from everyone and anyone.

As far as the things I pointed out earlier in the blog.

I planted gardens for people only to learn they would put me in a position to have to become the warrior. At the same time taking accountability for my naivety and my positioning myself with ones that didn’t deserve the garden to begin with. But that's neither here nor there now because the lesson is learned.

My anger is not misplaced it does not come from a place of hate regardless of the effects of the words of truth that land on the other from my truth vomit mouth. It’s always backed by love. Like being slapped across the face versus being punched. There is no love behind a fist only hate, a slap carries more weight because it’s from a place of love and firm fucking boundaries. Just ask your mothers.

I am understanding the power of my mouth, words, throat chakra online, etc.

Piss poor planning oh sure yeah my accountability there is counting on others that had continuously shown me their patterns and ignoring them. When they said yeah I’ll be there, yeah I’ll take that on, then backed out last minute and I relentlessly continued to give the benefit of the doubt. 1st time shame on you 2nd time shame on me. Not happening anymore. For all I care now stay where I dropped you or take accountability and get the fuck back up. Your choice. I will not aid any longer in enabling and packing anyone’s weight. I know my place my work my dedication my research my time my sweat my blood givin', my fucking sacrifices.

I am going to throw my fits *showing my love backed anger because it is not misplaced and my boundaries were earned. In the depths of hell where I am rooted where I came from where I was forged in fire and I am rising and you either meet me there or you fill in the blanks y'all not dumb. And stop misreading my material from your lack of understanding and ignorance. Everything I do is backed by love. Every mother fucking thing and interaction. My heart is outstandingly huge as are my well crafted boundaries for what I gave away so naively freely. I’ll give a hand up sure. I am just not packing no one’s weight and excuses anymore.

I have been betrayed enough by others in and all my life and the worst one above all is the betrayals to myself. And never again.

Much Love and Gratitude

Lalenya aka: Alice