Where is that Love?

There has been a thread of music running through me over the past several days.  Since Friday, I have been spending a lot of time in my truck, sitting or waiting or driving with a lot of uninterrupted time of listening to my playlist.  Even though I’ve heard the songs over and over, they are the songs that mean something to me.  And, that meaning can change over time and depending on the current situation in my life.  Being alone in the truck listening to my music gives me an opportunity to process what’s going on in my daily life and the random pattern of the songs often triggers a thought that directs my process into thinking about the message in the music.  Lately, that thread has been:

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

What About Love?

Have you ever really loved a Woman?

Wind Beneath My Wings

What a Day Yesterday Was

These songs, of course, take my thoughts to the love I’ve shared with my husband for over 40 years.  But lately a second thought thread has been surfacing out of the reflections and spiritual growth I’ve experienced over the past couple years.  There are so many ways I can go with this thought, so we’ll see what comes out now as I write.

I guess I’ll start with the above song thread.  As a teenager into early adulthood, I was looking for love.  As I look back I can see how I pursued love, much like I pursued alcohol into alcoholism to ease the pain of love gone bad.  After my second marriage ended, I was done with pursuing love.  I made it my mission to pursue a good time with no commitments, no obligations, entirely sure that love and marriage weren’t my game.  I wasn’t about to stop enjoying men and the attention, but it damn sure was going to be on my terms.  I think one of my theme songs back then was “Nobody’s going break my stride, nobody’s going to slow me down.”  My other favorite back then was “Turn Me Loose.”  But, you know, life often throws a wrench in the works.  Just when you think you got it figured out, something happens that changes your whole direction.  Into my life, walks my current husband.  Over time friendship became something more and he quietly slipped into my heart and the rest is history, so they say.  And man, what a history.  That man knows how to love.  I’m not just talking about sex.  I’m talking about the way he showed his love on a daily basis.  His mode of loving has always been “I love you, what can I do to make you happy?”  On a regular basis, his thoughtfulness for me and our life together was demonstrated in the little things he would do.  I’m not talking flowers and candy, it was his daily actions that showed consideration for what was important to me.  His stance always was “I’m a lover, not a fighter” and as a result he spent more energy bringing love to the table rather than making sure his got his.  He was the kind of person that a different woman could (and did) take advantage of.  But what he did for me was just loved me and who I was.  Now I’m not telling you this was some “happily ever after” nirvana.  After all, he’s just a man…and I’m just a woman, both with our own baggage.  But he created a safe place for me to love and taught me how to really love someone.  It was over four years before he asked me to marry him because he had to wait for me to come to trust our love and embrace it.

I’ve often said that his love and belief in me and in us together along with the growth I was doing living sober gave me the confidence and belief in myself to be able to go out and conquer our world.  I have always been the more visible one to the outside world, but his constant presence has always been part of my strength. The other day, as I was listening to the song What a Day Yesterday Was, I found some of the joy in our love that I had been missing lately. Our life together as we knew it is over. We’re in a different mode now and the stress of dealing with his decline is clouding the love I feel for him. But, for a while I felt the joy and love as I thought about our life together. I thought of all the good times as a blended family and the fun things we did together and the love we shared. Then, I cried. It sure was good to feel that kind of love again.

Over the last three years with his slide into Alzheimer’s, once again love takes on a different form.  His love for me has become a very dependent love, almost obsessive love, needing me to make everything ok as his mind is leaving him.  My deep love for him is still there but has taken on different forms.  But, I only get glimpses of the man he used to be.  His son puts it like this:  “He’s just a shell of the man he used to be.”  I will tell you this right now, I ain’t no saint.  I’ve been struggling with reconciling the fact that the man I love is no longer there and the fact the man that I loved all these years has become someone else even though he is still the love of my life.  It is triggering a whole lot of PTSD from past relationships.  Today, I literally couldn’t put pen to paper to sign in this morning when I went to visit him.  I had a meeting with staff first to discuss some care needs.  Then, I was planning on visiting him for awhile.  I just stood there and started to cry.  I stomped my foot and said, I can’t do this.  I cannot bring myself to go in and see him right now.  The staff was wonderful and told me it was ok, sometimes you need a break. Go take care of yourself.  So I turned around and walked out the door.  It was the most godawful feeling and broke my heart.

I stopped for our energy drinks and went straight to see Alice.  This time it wasn’t about her, it was about me.  We talked about how I’ve been going through this since he moved into Memory Care. It’s more of the letting go process. It isn’t nearly as overwhelming as it was a few months ago. We talked about his behavior and the impact on me. She was able to talk me down and get me on a track of “ok, what do I do now?” Realizing that PTSD is a big part of my reaction was actually reassuring. I talked about that some in an earlier blog. PTSD is a new thing for me. Not once in our marriage did I ever experience aggression or mental abuse from the person I loved until his decline and he started becoming someone I could no longer trust. It was a surprise to me the first time, but through talking with Alice at that time, I came to understand that PTSD is exactly what the un-named intense emotion I was feeling. I know enough about PTSD and the healing process to know that there is a way through this. It’s not so scary when you understand where the intense feelings that are coloring the current experience come from. Once I separate that out, I can move on and deal with it. I came home, did some laundry and just chilled for awhile to process and started writing.  So this is where we got to.  I think there is more to this that I need to process, so I’m sure there’s more to say.  Stay tuned.

Love and Peace,

Chick